Classic Insult Humor Quotes

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. ~ William Shakespeare

The eccentric passion of Shankly was underlined for me by my England team-mate Roger Hunt's version of the classic tale of the Liverpool manager's pre-game talk before playing Manchester United. The story has probably been told a thousand times in and out of football, and each time you hear it there are different details, but when Roger told it the occasion was still fresh in his mind and I've always believed it to be the definitive account. It was later on the same day, as Roger and I travelled together to report for England duty, after we had played our bruising match at Anfield. Ian St John had scored the winner, then squared up to Denis Law, with Nobby finally sealing the mood of the afternoon by giving the Kop the 'V' sign. After settling down in our railway carriage, Roger said, 'You may have lost today, but you would have been pleased with yourself before the game. Shanks mentioned you in the team talk. When he says anything positive about the opposition, normally he never singles out players.' According to Roger, Shankly burst into the dressing room in his usual aggressive style and said, 'We're playing Manchester United this afternoon, and really it's an insult that we have to let them on to our field because we are superior to them in every department, but they are in the league so I suppose we have to play them. In goal Dunne is hopeless- he never knows where he is going. At right back Brennan is a straw- any wind will blow him over. Foulkes the centre half kicks t ~ Bobby Charlton

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music ~ Ludwig Van Beethoven

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? ~ Henny Youngman

sarcasm is the ability to insult an idiot without realizing it ~ Jhon Green

She filed the image away as an excellent and insulting question to ask the earl at an utterly inappropriate future moment. ~ Gail Carriger

The chapters on whaling in MOBY DICK can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers. ~ William Goldman

Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time. ~ Suzanne Fields

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. ~ Mae West

So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?"
Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. "What did he say?"
She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. "He wanted to join us in our bed."
"I'll run him through."
"No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you."
"It was an insult to you, love. That can't be ignored."
"And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don't care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won't have you risking your life. ~ Sharon Page

Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out."
Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult. ~ Kristin Hannah

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not. ~ Sherman Alexie

Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better. ~ Julie Berry

When the thing did not explode, Polybotes bent down cautiously and picked it up.
He roared in outrage. "A Ding Dong? You dare insult me with a Ding Dong? ~ Rick Riordan

He was a six and a half foot scowl.
(on Rachmaninov) ~ Igor Stravinsky

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? ~ Mark Twain

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people. ~ Russell Lynes

There are two insults which no human being will endure: The assertion that he hasn't a sense of humor, and the doubly impertinent assertion that he has never known trouble. ~ Sinclair Lewis

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ~ Groucho Marx

I'm a savant when it comes to character judgment," he tells her. "For instance, most people wouldn't see anything in you besides attitude and a need for stronger deodorant, but I think you can handle the storks almost as well as Connor handled the Graveyard."
Bam gives him a halfhearted glare. "Can you ever give a compliment without also making it an insult?"
"No," he admits. "Not possible. It's the essence of my charm. ~ Neal Shusterman

Dumb as he looked, he never missed an insult.
Dr. Rowan musing about Simple Silas ~ Ava Gray

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. ~ Christopher Moore

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts. ~ Brandon Sanderson

I decided that being called "crazy" by a man was not an insult but a challenge. It gives the woman an opportunity to say, "Crazy? Oh, I'll show you fucking crazy. ~ Alana Massey

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~ Mae West

Mr. Schmidt had screamed at me in New York: LOSER! You English Loser ... I suppose he thought it was the most grievous insult he could hurl. But such a curse doesn't really have any effect on an English person - or a European - it seems to me. We know we're all going to lose in the end so it is deprived of any force as a slur. But not in the USA. Perhaps this is the great difference between the two worlds, this concept of Loserdom. In the New World it is the ultimate mark of shame - in the Old it prompts only a wry sympathy. ~ William Boyd

All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine.
(on Bach) ~ Arnold Bax

Many moral advances have taken the form of a shift in sensibilities that made an action seem more ridiculous than sinful, such as dueling, bullfighting, and jingoistic war. And many effective social critics, such as Swift, Johnson, Voltaire, Twain, Oscar Wilde, Bertrand Russell, Tom Lehrer, and George Carlin have been smart-ass comedians rather than thundering prophets. What in our psychology allows the joke to be mightier than the sword?

Humor works by confronting an audience with an incongruity, which may be resolved by switching to another frame of reference. And in that alternative frame of reference, the butt of the joke occupies a lowly or undignified status. ...

Humor with a political or moral agenda can stealthily challenge a relational model that is second nature to an audience by forcing them to see that it leads to consequences that the rest of their minds recognize as absurd. ...

According to the 18th-century writer Mary Wortley Montagu, 'Satire should, like a polished razor keen / Wound with touch that's scarcely felt or seen.' But satire is seldom polished that keenly, and the butts of a joke may be all too aware of the subversive power of humor. They may react with a rage that is stoked by the intentional insult to a sacred value, the deflation of their dignity, and a realization that laughter indicates common knowledge of both. The lethal riots in 2005 provoked by the editorial cartoons in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten ( ~ Steven Pinker

I take that back. Saying you fight like a girl is an insult to girls everywhere. ~ Wesley Chu

If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"
Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed? ~ Tamora Pierce

The musical equivalent of St Pancras Station.
(on Elgar) ~ Thomas Beecham

If I were you,
And you were I,
I would kill myself,
But you would die! ~ Bruce Jennings

You look lousy,' he said.
Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.'
'No I mean it. You don't look good.'
'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-'
'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped. ~ Cassandra Clare

She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. "So," she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance.
"Who would win in a fight - you or a pack of wolves?"
He frowned at her, all seriousness. "Depends," he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. "How big is the pack?"
"I don't know, what's normal? Six?"
"I could win against six," he said. "Any more than that and it could be a close call."
Scarlet smirked. "You're not in danger of low self-esteem, at least."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing at all." She kicked a stone from their path. "How about you and ... a lion?"
"A cat? Don't insult me."
She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. "How about a bear?"
"Why, do you see one out there?"
"Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you."
The smile she'd been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. "I'm not sure. I've never had to fight a bear before. ~ Marissa Meyer

Not everyone can look past an insult and continue to work with the person who slights them ~ Jean Johnson

This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days. ~ John Swartzwelder

Puta, really, that's the best insult you got? I've been called the Whore of Babylon on national TV; puta just doesn't quite cut it. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

No, no, you twit, move towards the well-hung male of the species! It's only natural; you don't want to insult Mother Nature. Go claim your mate. ~ Jenna McCormick

Good satire is about attacking the powerful, and that tends to be more the purview of the left. Maybe there's something about the conservative mindset that confuses mean-spirited name-calling and insults with actual humor. ~ Tom Tomorrow