Twain Quotes

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Quotes About Twain

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Now the way that the book winds up is this: Tom and me found the money that the robbers hid in the cave, and it made us rich. We got six thousand dollars apiece - all gold. It was an awful sight of money when it was piled up. Well, Judge Thatcher he took it and put it out at interest, and it fetched us a dollar a day apiece all the year round - more than a body could tell what to do with. The Widow Douglas she took me for her son, and allowed she would sivilize me; but it was rough living in the house all the time, considering how dismal regular and decent the widow was in all her ways; and so when I couldn't stand it no longer I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. But Tom Sawyer he hunted me up and said he was going to start a band of robbers, and I might join if I would go back to the widow and be respectable. So I went back. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Sure enough, it was just as I had dreaded, he started to climb the tree-"
"What the Bull?"
"Of course- who else?"
"But a bull can't climb a tree."
"He can't can he? Since you know so much about it, did you ever see a bull try?"
"No! I never dreamt of such a thing."
Well, then, what is the use of your talking that way, then? Because you never saw a thing done, is that any reason why it can't be done? ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I 'uz mos' to de foot er de islan' b'fo' I found' a good place. I went into de woods en jedged I wouldn' fool wid raffs no mo', long as dey move de lantern roun' so. I had my pipe en a plug er dog-leg, en some matches in my cap, en dey warn't wet, so I 'uz all right. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The silent colossal National Lie that is the support and confederate of all the tyrannies and shams and inequalities and unfairnesses that afflict the peoples - that is the one to throw bricks and sermons at. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
A man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged: if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound to hit something by and by. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
There has been only one Christian. They caught and curcified him-early. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I particularly admire are Mark Twain and Jerome K. Jerome who wrote in a certain tone of voice which was humane and understanding of humanity, but always ready to annotate its little foibles. I think I'd lay my cards down on that, and say that it's that that I'm trying to do. ~ Terry Pratchett
Twain quotes by Terry Pratchett
Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century. ~ Bob Newhart
Twain quotes by Bob Newhart
It's very hard to concentrate when your stomach's rumbling. ~ Shania Twain
Twain quotes by Shania Twain
Cooper's art has some defects. In one place in 'Deerslayer,' and in the restricted space of two-thirds of a page, Cooper has scored 114 offences against literary art out of a possible 115. It breaks the record. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
One may make their house a palace of sham, or they can make it a home, a refuge. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
There is only one good sex. The female one. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I'm more private than people realize. I'm not that easy to get to know. ~ Shania Twain
Twain quotes by Shania Twain
A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Nearly all black and brown skins are beautiful, but a beautiful white skin is rare. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
There are ten parts of speech and they are all troublesome. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Mrs Kerslake:" but if there is no chance of being offered a place at Oxford, surely-?"
Simon Kerslake: "Thats not what i said Mother, I shall be an undergraduate at Oxford by the first day of term ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I find no change of consequence in grown people, I do not miss the dead. It does not surprise me to hear that this friend or that friend died at such and such a time, because I fully expected that sort of news. But somehow I had made no calculation on the infants. It never occurred to me that infants grow up ... These unexpected changes, from infancy to youth, and from youth to maturity, are by far the most startling things I meet with. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
All great men are dead, and I'm not feeling too well myself ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Ah
Ferguson
what
what did you say was the name of the party who wrote this?" "Christopher Colombo! ze great Christopher Colombo!" Another deliberate examination. "Ah
did he write it himself; or
or how?" "He write it himself!
Christopher Colombo! He's own hand-writing, write by himself!" Then the doctor laid the document down and said: "Why, I have seen boys in America only fourteen years old that could write better than that. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I played a lot of football when I was younger. I'm a good receiver, actually. ~ Shania Twain
Twain quotes by Shania Twain
There are more chickens than a man can know in this world, but an unprovoked kindness is the rarest of birds. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Comedy keeps the heart sweet; but we all know that there is wholesome refreshment for both mind and heart in an occasional climb among the pomps of the intellectual snow-summits built by Shakespeare and those others. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I got some of their jabber out of a book. S'pose a man was to come to you and say Polly-voo-franzy - what would you think?" "I wouldn' think nuffn; I'd take en bust him over de head - dat ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
If you have to swallow a frog, don't stare at it too long. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I will gradually drop this subject of graveyards. I have been trying all I could to get down to the sentimental part of it, but I cannot accomplish it. I think there is no genuinely sentimental part to it. It is all grotesque, ghastly, horrible. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The word Palestine always brought to my mind a vague suggestion of a country as large as the United States. I do not know why, but such was the case. I suppose it was because I could not conceive of a small country having so large a history. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
We can't always have the beautiful aspect of things. Let us make the most of our sights that are beautiful and let the others go ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It's not what you don't know that gets you in trouble, it's what you know for sure that ain't so" Mark Twain ~ Tom Kelley
Twain quotes by Tom Kelley
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Well, I lay if I get hold of you I'll - ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. - Mark Twain ~ Anonymous
Twain quotes by Anonymous
It's important to give it all you have while you have the chance. ~ Shania Twain
Twain quotes by Shania Twain
There's plenty of boys that will come hankering and gruvvelling around when you've got an apple, and beg the core off you; but when they're got one, and you beg for the core, and remind them how you give them a core one time, they take a mouth at you, and say thank you 'most to death, but there ain't a-going to be no core. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
One day I was handed a few volumes of new literature unlike anything I had ever read before and so captivating as to make me utterly forget my hopeless state. They were the earlier works of Mark Twain and to them might have been due the miraculous recovery which followed. Twenty-five years later, when I met Mr. Clemens and we formed a friendship between us, I told him of the experience and was amazed to see that great man of laughter burst into tears. ~ Nikola Tesla
Twain quotes by Nikola Tesla
Vote: The only commodity that is peddleable without a license. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Playing whist by the cabin lamps when it is storming outside is pleasant; walking the quarterdeck in the moonlight is pleasant; smoking in the breezy foretop is pleasant when one is not afraid to go up there; but these are all feeble and commonplace compared with the joy of seeing people suffering the miseries of seasickness. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The two most important days if your life are the day you are born ... and the day you find out why having multiple screens for your computer is so awesome because now reports and grants are like a billion times easier! ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
In the country neighbor­hood thereabouts, along the dusty roads, one found at intervals the prettiest little cottage homes, snug and cozy, and so cobwebbed with vines snowed thick with roses that the doors and windows were wholly hidden from sight-sign that these were deserted homes, forsaken years ago by defeated and disap­pointed families who could neither sell them nor give them away. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Mark Twain, the thinking man's Colonel Sanders, reputedly said, America is New York, New Orleans, and San Francisco. Everywhere else is Cleveland. ~ Russell Brand
Twain quotes by Russell Brand
Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
When your watch gets out of order you have choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Today's burdens can strengthen you for tomorrow. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth
including America, of course
consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The shades of difference between other people and me serve to make variety and prevent monotony, but that is all; broadly speaking, we are all alike; and so by studying myself carefully and comparing myself with other people, and noting the divergences, I have been enabled to acquire a knowledge of the human race which I perceive is more accurate and more comprehensive than that which has been acquired and revealed by any other member of our species. As a result, my private and concealed opinion of myself is not of a complimentary sort. It follows that my estimate of the human race is the duplicate of my estimate of myself. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Balloon: Thing to take meteroric observations and commit suicide with. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
A photograph is a most important document, and there is nothing more damning to go down to posterity than a silly, foolish smile caught and fixed forever. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Never do wrong when people are looking. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Wagner has some great moments, but a lot of miserable half hours. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Naturally the question suggests itself, Why did these people want the river now when nobody had wanted it in the five preceding generations? Apparently it was because at this late day they thought they had discovered a way to make it useful; for it had come to be believed that the Mississippi emptied into the Gulf of California, and therefore afforded a short cut from Canada to China. Previously the supposition had been that it emptied into the Atlantic, or Sea of Virginia. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Mark Twain, cynical about so much else, has a particular reverence in the Holy Land for "sitting where a god has stood". What flabbergasted him was that his traveling companions would be in such a sanctified environment and winter what they saw according to other writers or their denominational background instead their own experience with the holy. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It's considered good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
There would be a center table, with books of a tranquil sort on it ... ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Tom said to himself that it was not such a hollow world, after all. He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it
namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain. If he had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and that Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. And this would help him to understand why constructing artificial flowers or performing on a tread-mill is work, while rolling ten-pins or climbing Mont Blanc is only amusement. There are wealthy gentlemen in England who drive four-horse passenger-coaches twenty or thirty miles on a daily line, in the summer, because the privilege costs them considerable money; but if they were offered wages for the service, that would turn it into work and then they would resign. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
...as long as we have the choice to read what we want, I suspect Twain and Homer and the rest will always be with us. The stoutest old writers ebb and flow in popularity; tastes and political correctness and educational trends also ebb and flow, and we have a tendency to embrace the short view because it makes better news stories. So the joy of literature may not be at a high water mark right now, and yet you can walk into the Target store of your choice and pick up Catcher in the Rye. Beauty floats, I guess, along with sorrow and hope. (http://www.wab.org/events/allofroches...) ~ Leif Enger
Twain quotes by Leif Enger
If there is a God, he is a malign thug. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I feel sexy when I get out of the tub - your skin is fresh and you've put up your hair without looking. ~ Shania Twain
Twain quotes by Shania Twain
It's an awful snug place for orgies." "What orgies?" "I dono. But robbers always have orgies, and of course we've got to have them, too. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
We Americans ... bear the ark of liberties of the world. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
OH, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat;
But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face, tho' they come from the ends of the earth! ~ Rudyard Kipling
Twain quotes by Rudyard Kipling
The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
If you must be indiscrete, be discrete in your indiscretion. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
He said that man's heart was the only bad heart in the animal kingdom; that man was the only animal capable of feeling malice, envy, vindictiveness, revengefulness, hatred, selfishness, the only animal that loves drunkenness, almost the only animal that could endure personal uncleanliness and a filthy habitation, the sole animal in whom was fully developed the base instinct called patriotism, the sole animal that robs, persecutes, oppresses and kills members of his own tribe, the sole animal that steals and enslaves the members of any tribe. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I am as prompt as a clock, if I only know the day a thing is wanted-otherwise I am a natural procrastinaturalist. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
When angry, count four. When very angry, swear. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
And last but not least, reflecting my feelings on proofreading ... excuse any pages on my websites that have misspelled words or grammatical errors ... I'm not a proofreader of any great merit. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The laws of Nature take precedence of all human laws. The purpose of all human laws is one - to defeat the laws of Nature. This is the case among all the nations, both civilized and savage. It is a grotesquerie, but when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
If you don't like the weather in New England now, just wait a few minutes. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
In German, a young lady has no sex, but a turnip has ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
If you will notice, there is seldom a telegram in a paper which fails to show up one or more members & beneficiaries of our Civilization as promenading with his shirt-tail up & the rest of his regalia in the wash. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
The secret to success: find out where people are going and get there first ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
We all belong to the nasty stinking little human race, & of course it is not nice for God's beloved vermin to scoff at each other ... Oh, we are a nasty little lot-& to think there are people who would like to save us & continue us. It won't happen if I have any influence. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Hello Huckleberry!"
"Hello, yourself, and see how you like it."
"What's that you got?"
"Dead cat."
"Lemme see him, Huck. My, he's pretty stiff. Where'd you get him?"
"Bought him off'n a boy. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks - in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present; you should have recognized them earlier. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
Love is an irreresisistible desire to be irresistibily desired. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
It was a splendid population - for all the slow, sleepy, sluggish-brained sloths stayed at home - you never find that sort of people among pioneers - you cannot build pioneers out of that sort of material. It was that population that gave to California a name for getting up astounding enterprises and rushing them through with a magnificent dash and daring and a recklessness of cost or consequences, which she bears unto this day - and when she projects a new surprise the grave world smiles as usual and says, Well, that is California all over. ~ Mark Twain
Twain quotes by Mark Twain
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