Funny Puppy Quotes

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man. ~ Robertson Davies

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~ George Eliot

It's important for me to treat a girlfriend with respect. My mum would be horrified if I behaved any differently - and I have sisters, and would hate for them to be treated badly by guys. ~ Louis Tomlinson

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping. ~ Lisa Lampanelli

And I know someone who's
perfect for her. He works in my lab. He's smart. He's funny. His name is Bert."
Bert?
Is she fucking kidding me? What kind of sick son of a bitch names his kid Bert in this day and
age? That's just cruel.
"He'll show Kate a good time. I plan on setting them up this weekend."
And I plan on handcuffing myself to Kate's ankle and eating the key. Let's see what kind of good
time Bert can show Kate when she's dragging me around behind her like a Siamese twin. ~ Emma Chase

It's funny how he refuses to make eye contact during sex yet can't seem to keep his eyes off me the rest of the time. ~ Colleen Hoover

On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one. ~ Michael Johnson

The dust made Lily cough. She buried her face in the crook of her arm to muffle the noise. But behind all that wood, they probably could play the 1812 Overture with real cannons and nobody would hear them. ~ Ellie McDonald

Alec furrowed his brow. "So you're scrapbooking?" Magnus made a face. "To the lay observer, what I'm doing might look similar, yes. ~ Cassandra Clare

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel. ~ Christoph Fischer

Reese?"
Her voice was tense, but I still liked the sound of my name on her tongue. Of course, it'd sound sweeter if she was screaming it into a pillow while I pounded her from behind. Funny how that works. ~ Joanna Wylde

The hardest part is to travel, and to be away from your family. ~ Glenn Tipton

The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it's a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you. ~ Chris Evans

What bug crawled up your ass?" I demanded.
"If you mean, why I am upset? I should think that would be obvious!"
It took me a second, but I got it. "Oh, come on. You're not still pissed about–you did the same damn thing to me!"
He had the utter gall to look offended. "I did nothing of the sort–"
I stared at him. "And just how do you figure that? You stripped me butt naked, diddled me over a desk and stole my duffel bag. And my clothes!"
Somebody made a choking sound. I glanced up to find the door to the study open, and the old vamp looking scandalized. "Diddled?" Anthony asked, apparently delighted. Mircea closed his eyes. ~ Karen Chance

This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~ Jack Benny

So a sense of humor is not merely a matter of trying to tell jokes or make puns, trying to be funny in a deliberate fashion. It involves seeing the basic irony of the juxtaposition of extremes, so that one is not caught taking them seriously, so that one does not seriously play their game of hope and fear. This is why the experience of the spiritual path is so significant, why the practice of meditation is the most insignificant experience of all. ~ Chogyam Trungpa

We love super-silly moments, funny moments, serious moments, weird moments. ~ Riki Lindhome

Being funny is not the same as being happy. ~ Dana Gould

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. ~ Dave Attell

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. ~ Andy Borowitz

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man's voice called, "Uh, hello?"
Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.
"Hello," Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm.
"Hi," said the man. "The door's locked."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"That's funny" said Skulduggery. "Hold on a moment." He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. "Yes, it's locked. You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?"
There was a delay in response from the other side. "I'm sorry," the man called, "Who am I speaking with?"
Skulduggery tilted his head. "Who am I speaking with?"
"This is Oscar Nightfall."
"Are you sure?"
"What?"
"Are you sure you are who you say you are? This is the Great Chamber, after all. It's a very important place for very important people. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that someone, and I'm not saying that this applies to you in particular, but someone could conceivably lie about who they are in order to gain access to this room. I have to be vigilant, especially now. There's a war on, you know."
Oscar Nightfall sounded puzzled. Who are you?"
"Me? I'm nobody. I'm a cleaner. I'm one of the cleaners. I was cleaning the thrones and the door shut behind me. Now I can't get out. Could you try and find a key?"
"What's your name? Give me you name."
"No. It's mine."
"Tell me your name!"
"My name is Os ~ Derek Landy

There are things I've given up on
Like recording funny answering machine messages.
It's part of growing older
And the human race as a group has matured along the same lines.
It seems our comedy dates the quickest.
If you laugh out loud at Shakespeare's jokes
I hope you won't be insulted
if I say you're trying too hard.
Even sketches from the original Saturday Night Live
seem slow-witted and obvious now. ~ David Berman

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks

It's funny - when I started acting, I didn't know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You know what, though? It just comes with the territory, being ethnic. ~ Justin Chon

The man ignorant of mathematics will be increasingly limited in his grasp of the main forces of civilization. ~ John G. Kemeny

I never did very well in math-I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally. ~ Calvin Trillin

Pure joy is rare. That's why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak. ~ Bauvard

It's so funny, I've done so many projects where I've been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I'm always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not. ~ Aaron Paul

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking. ~ Karl Kristian Flores

Life's a joke, so laugh while it's still funny. ~ Imkje Dongelmans

It's funny, oftentimes the really great roles that I enjoy are in classic plays, and there aren't many theatres in New York who will do them, aside from Roundabout. ~ Laila Robins

I hereby excommunicate you from the Milky Way! ~ Jerome Lawrence

That I have no idea what good old Dr. Ha-ha-so-fucking-funny Bradley is thinking when he touches your back? When he kisses your hand, pretending it's just a joke, you think I don't know what he's thinking? When he stands close to you, looks into your nice red lips as you talk, when his eyes shimmer at the mention of your name? He's gone soft in the head, you think I don't know? I was the one with the hat in my hands, standing for hours waiting for you to get out of Kirov. What, said Alexander. ~ Paullina Simons

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore. ~ Nenia Campbell

It's funny, but three of my early films were with Liam Neeson, before Liam Neeson was a big star. ~ Fred Melamed

It seems like maybe we tried to sleep normally a long time ago, when Bentley was a puppy. But then he gradually moved from his little bed to the floor next to our bed. And then from the floor to the foot of the bed. And then from the foot to next to me. And now from next to me to between us, under the covers, with his head on a pillow next to ours. ~ Augusten Burroughs

We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. ~ Peter Dinklage