Zach Braff Quotes

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much.

I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that, I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'.

So, yeah, I mean, there is something universal about that feeling - that 20-something, what the hell am I going to do with my life, I'm lost and my parents are freaking me out, and what's the point? Every generation has a way of making that unique, but there are certain universals of that feeling.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?

I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.

One of the things about Scrubs is that it's about great friendships and ... as broad and as serious as we get it's always really about friendship. It's about getting through the challenging parts of your life with the help of your friends.

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.

As a kid who wasn't into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camaraderie. Early on, we would go to rehearsals with my dad and I was like the mascot for the backstage crew. That was a big part of my childhood, so I dreamed of one day doing a play in London.

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.

For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?

My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.

It's ... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.

I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me

I'm a film geek man. I love toys. I love everything in filmmaking, so for me to just be around this technology is just so cool to watch it being used for the first time, some of the stuff.

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school.

Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter ... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

I'm always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be?

At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.

If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.

Everyday I question myself. I look in the mirror, or read one of my scripts, or I reflect on my acting and I say to myself 'that was good ... but was it Zach Braff good?' Lets just say things have been looking pretty Zach Braff so far.

It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements

I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.

When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.

The success of 'Scrubs' allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore ... All of the sudden, even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone ... Or maybe it's like this rite of passage ... You will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. Maybe that's all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics ...

I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.

I really like just super dry comedy.

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.

I've always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he's the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs.

Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?

I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?

Actually when I gave out the script, I gave it with a CD of all the music I wanted to put in the movie, and again, we never thought we'd get all that music.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture

I think I suffer from some mild depression.

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like, why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was.

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.

I never looked at bread the same way again

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

I know every politician spins the truth a little.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray.

I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything.

Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?

Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?

I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something ...

I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.

I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'.

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.

Ever since I was little it was programmed into me that London is where great theatre occurs and all the big shows you love start there.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late.

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.

People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous.

It really is fascinating stuff, and I've picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book, I mean, by this point I know about as much as most 'real' doctors.

People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.