French Humor Quotes

The French always make our sort happy because, like us, they know how to love, they're just as good at playing the accordion, and they've made a real art of their inability to bake proper bread. ~ Sasa Stanisic

I am strongly moved to fly into some desert to avoid all approach of human creatures ~ Moliere

They pronounced my name wrong. There is a difference between Ruse and Rusé. I'm not a trick, I'm a crafty one. I perform the tricks. ~ Zechariah Barrett

PISTOL-
Say'st thou me so? is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy: ask me this slave in French What is his name.
Boy-
Ecoutez: comment etes-vous appele?
French Soldier-
Monsieur le Fer.
Boy-
He says his name is Master Fer.
PISTOL-
Master Fer! I'll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him: discuss the same in French unto him.
Boy-
I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk. ~ William Shakespeare

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel. ~ Mark Forsyth

Alejandro opened his mouth "Marry Me!"
"If she says Yes shoot him." Bern said to Leon, his face completely serious. "She'll thank us later."
Bugg stirred in his seat. "Catalina! Do not marry this dickfucker! There are better birds in the sea!" He turned to my mom and said "Pardon my French. ~ Ilona Andrews

Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon of their native language, and while they writhed, we impaled them, we peppered them, we scarified them, with their own vile verbs and participles. ~ Mark Twain

...Nothing is more disgusting than a glass of milk, especially French milk, which comes in a box and can sit unrefrigerated for five months, at which point it simply turns into cheese and is moved to a different section of the grocery store. ~ David Sedaris

My French friend tells me that someday, if I work at it, I may no longer be flattering myself when I say I can speak a very little French. ~ Patricia Briggs

On this matter I'm inclined to agree with the French, who gaze upon any personal dietary prohibition as bad manners. ~ Charles Dickens

I was deeply interested in the little family history which he detailed to me with all that candor which a Frenchman indulges whenever mere self is the theme. ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Magical?" "Non." "Magnificent?" "Don't be absurd." "Less bleak than anything else we have seen?" "Now truly you are speaking French," the ambassador said approvingly. ~ Neal Stephenson

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: Jan 7 at 7:23 AM
Subject: Re: Really?
On the Tumblr-you mean creeksecrets? .....
But I really don't think I'm wrong.
Jacques a dit. Right?
-Blue

So, Yeah, I've been careless. I guess I left a trail of clues. and I shouldn't be surprised that Blue put them together. Maybe I kind of wanted him to.

Jacques a dit is "Simon Says" in French, by the way, And it's obviously not as clever as I thought it was. ~ Becky Albertalli

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. ~ Doug Larson

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything. ~ Steve Martin

Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter ~ Natasha Larry

Lucy: I don't feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.
James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.
Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.
James: You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume. ~ Kristen Tracy

Okay, I don't know if any of you have ever lost consciousness before, so let me just say here real quickly: Don't do it.
Really. If you can avoid situations in which you might lose consciousness, please do so. Whatever you do, do not pass out. Trust me. It is not fun. It is not fun at all.
Unless, of course, you're guaranteed to wake up having mouth-to-mouth performed on you by a totally hot California lifeguard. Then I say go for it. ~ Meg Cabot

The king sent word, at odd intervals, inquiring as to Meralda's progress. She would scrawl hasty replies in return, often suppressing the impulse to add notes such as "Abandoning spellwork to continue this fascinating correspondence," or "Slept late, long breakfast, taking the day off for a stroll in the park. ~ Frank Tuttle

Holy hell weasel! ~ Rachel Hawkins

He'd died. Plain and simple. And it pissed him off. Left him frustrated and disappointed. Where had all , the guardian angel crap they'd fed him in catechism gone to? He'd seen no angels, seraphim, archangels or pearly gates. No one to show him the ropes now that he was dead. What the hell was he supposed to do? ~ Deborah Leblanc

Free will always results in collateral damage. ~ J. Lincoln Fenn

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium. ~ Gideon Defoe

You're one of those people who fall off a tree and never quite reach the ground. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Fain would I turn back the clock and devote to French or some other language the hours I spent upon algebra, geometry, and trigonometry, of which not one principle remains with me. Stay! There is one theorem painfully drummed into my head which seems to have inhabited some corner of my brain since that early time: "The square on the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides!" There it sticks, but what of it, ye gods, what of it? ~ Jessie Belle Rittenhouse

My experience is to deal with things through humor. ~ Michael J. Fox

What is a man, anyway? Everything I see around me in popular culture tells me a man is he who screws and kills. But everything I see around me in life tells me a man is he who makes money. ~ Marilyn French

Humor is healing. ~ Brad Garrett

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this particular moment and delivered another unfortunate message.
"Hello, you cakesniffers," she said, "although judging from the baby brat you're more like saladsniffers. I have another message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest little girl in the whole school."
"If you were really the nicest person in the whole school," Isadora said, "you wouldn't make fun of a sleeping infant. But never mind, what is the message?"
"It's actually the same as last time," Carmelita said, "but I'll repeat it in case you're too stupid to remember. The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner."
"What?" Klaus asked.
"Are you deaf as well as cakesniffy?"
Carmelita asked. ~ Lemony Snicket

This is not an easy thing to admit, but until that moment I had held out some craven speck of hope that this had all been a hideous misunderstanding. A boy who would say anything he thought you wanted to hear, a girl made vicious by trauma and grief and my rejection on top of it all; we could have misinterpreted in any one of a hundred ways. It was only in that moment, in the ease of that gratuitous lie, that I understood that Rosalind - the Rosalind I had known, the bruised, captivating, unpredictable girl with whom I had laughed in the Central and held hands on a bench - had never existed. Everything she had ever shown me had been constructed for effect, with the absorbed, calculating care that goes into an actor's costume. Underneath the myriad shimmering veils, this was something as simple and deadly as razor wire. ~ Tana French

Sometimes, humor makes more sense than reasoning. ~ Toba Beta

But all I could think of was taking some books to read in jail. I held everybody up, choosing which ones to take. ~ John Clellon Holmes

No, dude. I told you, we're not crazy. ~ Natasha Larry

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. ~ Henny Youngman

Is your badness so varied that it is still delightful? I expect anything gets boring after a while.'
He looked at her with interest. 'How perceptive you are. It takes a good deal of effort to keep badness from being boring. One must seek out new experiences and challenges. Our mutual friends may think I have an easy life, but being notorious is grueling work after a few years. ~ Madeline Hunter

From time immemorial, soups and broths have been the worldwide medium for utilizing what we call the kitchen byproducts or as the French call them, the 'dessertes de la table' (leftovers), or 'les parties interieures de la bete', such as head, tail, lights, liver, knuckles and feet. ~ Louis Pullig De Gouy

Jocks were pretty much exempt from the standards that bound the rest of us. Teachers and administrators humor them because it's in everyone's interests to coax them through school and get them out of the building. Since it's unethical to turn them loose on society, they get sent to college to be kept out of the mix until their frontal lobes develop more fully. As enticement they are given sports scholarships that will later amount to nothing, not even good health. ~ Hilary Thayer Hamann

Doug returned five minutes later and shook his head. "Sorry kid. She's single, but she doesn't think you're her type. She's into the Goth and vampire scene. You're too mainstream for her." I was sipping a glass of water and nearly choked on it.
"That," said Peter, as soon as Doug was gone, "is what we call irony."
"How is that possible?" exclaimed Cody. "I am a vampire. I should be exactly what she wants."
"Yeah, but you don't look like one," I said. If Gabrielle had been a Trekkie, he might have had a shot tonight. ~ Richelle Mead

I'm beginning to think that if you're going to have a role model you should probably pick someone who's already dead so they can't disappoint you. ~ Dyan Sheldon

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.
It spells out: Bourbon. Where's the band?
Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't
have fun. ~ Kelli Russell Agodon

The whole world," he said, "is going Radical again. Fundamentally. In religion. In politics. In law. The Common Man has been trying to get his Radicalism said and done plainly and clearly for a hundred and fifty years. Now we take it on. Our movement. The new wave of attack."

"And fill a ditch in our turn," said Irwell.

"Maybe we're over the last ditch," said Rud. "There must be a last ditch somewhere...

"All other revolutionary movements have been experiments so far, Christianity, the French Revolution, the Russian Revolution, and more or less failures. They were experiments in liberation and they did not liberate. The old things wriggled back. But ours may be the experiment that succeeds. We may get to the Common-sense World State. Yes -- we -- in this room...Why not? It has to come somehow, somewhen... If it doesn't come pretty soon, there won't be much of humanity left to liberate. ~ H.G.Wells

In the absence of centralized decision-making, Hebrard's town plans for Indochina had no equivalent in France itself. This is because territorial development can only be thought out and implemented when political power is strong and decisions are in few hands, as was the case during the French colonial period. ~ Helen Grant Ross

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not. ~ C.D. Payne

Back off, Jack-I got four brothers protecting my ass,' and I just rode on by him ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Once we were alone, Imogen unfolded her hand. In it, she held the key to the chains. I had passed it to her while we were in the embrace. Roden noticed it and scowled. "You gave her the key and not me? I could be free already."
I smiled at him. "Yes, but I wasn't going to kiss you."
"Fair enough ~ Jennifer A. Nielsen

Duke to Michel: I'm fairly certain that even if
you'd struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors. ~ Elias Zapple

I am a kid in the dressing-up box at heart. ~ Dawn French