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Anyhow,' one of the scientists was saying to another, 'there simply isn't room in the museum's Fishes Hall , so we've decided to pretend to the public that a whale is actually a mammal without any legs. It's patently ridiculous - I mean to say, just look at the thing, it's a gigantic fish if ever you saw one - but mum's the word! In my experience the public will believe just about anything, so long as you write it down on a little piece of card.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: Anyhow,' one of the scientists
Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr.
This is what I like about life at sea. It's one long voyage of discovery. Solid water! What will they think of next? Hopefully a pony who solves crimes.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: This is what I like
Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: Here's your first problem,
You don't know what it is to live and laugh and love and run a man through! You've never tasted salty air on your tongue or waved heartily at a mermaid!
Gideon Defoe Quotes: You don't know what it
If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldn't envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I'm not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: If you knew how many
I'm making a list of when it's acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I've got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I've just written the word 'chops'. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?
Gideon Defoe Quotes: I'm making a list of
They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn't really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: They both fell silent. For
The Captain was wearing his best blousey shirt, his beard was gleaming in the early morning light and he'd polished all his gold teeth. As he strode manfully towards the shore, the only thing that could have make him look even more heroic that he already did would have been the theme to Flash Gordon playing in the background, but it was a hundred and seventy years too early for that.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: The Captain was wearing his
With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold tooth bounced across the deck.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: With a sound like a
It's not really my fault. The problem is that my mouth just comes out with these things. And you can't blame me for what my mouth does, can you? Curse this mouth. Do you think it might be possessed?'

The Pirate Captain looked in the mirror and made his mouth into a series of shapes he thought looked demonic.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: It's not really my fault.
You can't reduce passion and flair and eating ham to numbers, sir!
Gideon Defoe Quotes: You can't reduce passion and
That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: That explains a lot,' he
Babbage's Three Laws of Difference Engines
First Law: A difference engine must have at least six cogs.
Second Law: A difference engine must be able to operate a loom.
Third law: A difference engine must be able to kill a man, should the mood so take it.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: Babbage's Three Laws of Difference
There was soot and orphans everywhere, and gaslit cobbled streets full of fog and sinister gentlemen out for a night of illicit murder. It was a strict and unforgiving society; looking at a piano, eating too much butter, dancing with elan
the sour-faced Queen Victoria forbade all these things. And, it was also raining in the London of themdays
dirty grey slabs of rain that left everywhere shining and slippery.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: There was soot and orphans
If the pirate with a scarf had been more poetically minded he'd have thought that her eyes were like a thousand emeralds, glittering in a far-off pirate treasure chest. But he wasn't, so he just thought that she had really really green eyes, a bit like seaweed.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: If the pirate with a
Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from 'Theme to Murder, She Wrote'.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: Just then there came the
It's like my old Aunt Joan always used to say: if you're going to end up fighting monsters, Pirate Captain, try to stick to ventriloquist's dummies who have gone alive.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: It's like my old Aunt
I really didn't write it with any intention of being published. If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have written something more sensible, because now I have to dress up as a pirate for book signings ... I would have done a novel about a man who hangs around with a gaggle of models.
Gideon Defoe Quotes: I really didn't write it
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