Daniel Tosh Quotes

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid? ~ Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. ~ Daniel Tosh

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. ~ Daniel Tosh

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. ~ Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. ~ Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. ~ Daniel Tosh

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. ~ Daniel Tosh

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. ~ Daniel Tosh

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. ~ Daniel Tosh

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. ~ Daniel Tosh

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? ~ Daniel Tosh

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves. ~ Daniel Tosh

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!' ~ Daniel Tosh

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka. ~ Daniel Tosh

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. ~ Daniel Tosh

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. ~ Daniel Tosh

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson. ~ Daniel Tosh

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. ~ Daniel Tosh

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure. ~ Daniel Tosh

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. ~ Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. ~ Daniel Tosh

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. ~ Daniel Tosh

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly. ~ Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. ~ Daniel Tosh

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. ~ Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. ~ Daniel Tosh

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. ~ Daniel Tosh

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. ~ Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. ~ Daniel Tosh

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. ~ Daniel Tosh

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. ~ Daniel Tosh

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. ~ Daniel Tosh

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. ~ Daniel Tosh

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ... ~ Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. ~ Daniel Tosh

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. ~ Daniel Tosh

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. ~ Daniel Tosh

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system. ~ Daniel Tosh

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis. ~ Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. ~ Daniel Tosh

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. ~ Daniel Tosh

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. ~ Daniel Tosh

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. ~ Daniel Tosh

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. ~ Daniel Tosh

And being an "equal opportunity offender" - as in, "It's okay, because Daniel Tosh makes fun of ALL people: women, men, AIDS victims, dead babies, gay guys, blah blah blah" - falls apart when you remember (as so many of us are forced to all the time) that all people are not in equal positions of power. "Oh, don't worry - I punch everyone in the face! People, baby ducks, a lion, this Easter Island statue, the ocean…" Okay, well that baby duck is dead now. ~ Lindy West

Kangoroos can't hop backwards. ~ Daniel Tosh

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. ~ Daniel Tosh

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. ~ Daniel Tosh

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. ~ Daniel Tosh

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'. ~ Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. ~ Daniel Tosh

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all ~ Daniel Tosh

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman. ~ Daniel Tosh

It's not a matter of Dad sitting down with his preadolescent son and incorporating 'Don't be a criminal!' into the 'birds and the bees' talk. (I mean, that couldn't hurt, probably. But it's not the point.) It's about teaching our boys to actively oppose sexual violence.

It's all well and good to say you're against rape and would never rape anyone, end of story. But somewhere in that crowd of guys laughing about an unconscious girl getting 'a wang in the butthole, dude' - and the one listening to Daniel Tosh say, 'Wouldn't it be funny if she got gang-raped right now?' and the one reading an op-ed in the Washington Post that puts 'sexual assault' in quotation marks, as though it exists only in the eye of the beholder - somewhere in all of those crowds is the guy who would rape someone. The guy who will rape someone. The guy who has raped someone.

And could you blame any of those guys for thinking that rape is not a serious crime, or even something to be particularly ashamed of, when so many 'good' guys around them are laughing at the same jokes? ~ Kate Harding

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. ~ Daniel Tosh

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. ~ Daniel Tosh

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. ~ Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. ~ Daniel Tosh

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state. ~ Daniel Tosh

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. ~ Daniel Tosh

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. ~ Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. ~ Daniel Tosh

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. ~ Daniel Tosh

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. ~ Daniel Tosh

Scattergories is second base for Christians. ~ Daniel Tosh

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell. ~ Daniel Tosh

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it. ~ Daniel Tosh

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse. ~ Daniel Tosh

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back. ~ Daniel Tosh

Put that on a postcard: "San Francisco; more butt-fucking per square inch...miss you". ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. ~ Daniel Tosh

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. ~ Daniel Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. ~ Daniel Tosh

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. ~ Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' ~ Daniel Tosh

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. ~ Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. ~ Daniel Tosh

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. ~ Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. ~ Daniel Tosh

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. ~ Daniel Tosh

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other. ~ Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. ~ Daniel Tosh

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? ~ Daniel Tosh

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. ~ Daniel Tosh

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. ~ Daniel Tosh

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. ~ Daniel Tosh

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. ~ Daniel Tosh

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. ~ Daniel Tosh

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. ~ Daniel Tosh

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. ~ Daniel Tosh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. ~ Daniel Tosh