Letterman Quotes

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. ~ David Letterman

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver. ~ David Letterman

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern! ~ David Letterman

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation. ~ David Letterman

Many of the network television shows have done takeoffs on 'Family Circus,' including 'David Letterman,' 'Friends,' 'Roseanne,' and others, and, in my estimation the use of them is a compliment to the popularity of the feature, which just by mentioning it's name sets up the image of a warm, loving family-type feature. ~ Bil Keane

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready. ~ David Letterman

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians. ~ David Letterman

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us. ~ David Letterman

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale. ~ David Letterman

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats. ~ David Letterman

When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do. ~ David Letterman

President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal. ~ David Letterman

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial. ~ David Letterman

Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters' ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie. ~ David Letterman

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold. ~ David Letterman

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before. ~ David Letterman

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires? ~ David Letterman

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict. ~ David Letterman

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.' ~ David Letterman

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number. ~ David Letterman

I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the back yard practicing his golf swing the whole time. ~ David Letterman

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.' ~ David Letterman

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex? ~ David Letterman

NBC. How could I not? I grew up watching Seinfeld, Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, and reruns of The Mothers-in-Law. ~ Tina Fey

Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership ... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial. ~ David Letterman

Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected. ~ David Letterman

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers. ~ David Letterman

Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing. ~ David Letterman

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash. ~ David Letterman

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. ~ David Letterman

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. ~ David Letterman

David Letterman was my guy growing up. My parents recorded the tenth anniversary special for me, and I watched it 40 times. ~ Timothy Simons

Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me. ~ David Letterman

The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie. ~ David Letterman

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river. ~ David Letterman

Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother. ~ David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. ~ David Letterman

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress
Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on. ~ David Letterman

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached. ~ David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. ~ David Letterman

St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party. ~ David Letterman

Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.' ~ David Letterman

Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators. ~ David Letterman

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers. ~ David Letterman

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two. ~ David Letterman

My theory of what makes people likeable stars is that they're likeable. ~ Rob Letterman

I love the shared experience of watching a movie with my kids. One of the great joys in life is when we're all laughing together, at the same thing. ~ Rob Letterman

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." ~ David Letterman

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you. ~ David Letterman

I have a great career, and no matter what I am doing, a big blockbuster movie ... or my small documentary, David Letterman will call and say I would like you to sit on my couch. ~ Rosie Perez

It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd. ~ David Letterman

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. ~ David Letterman

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. ~ David Letterman

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun ~ David Letterman

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge? ~ David Letterman

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife. ~ David Letterman

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. ~ David Letterman

The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver. ~ David Letterman

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.' ~ David Letterman

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three. ~ David Letterman

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can. ~ David Letterman

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. ~ David Letterman

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird. ~ David Letterman

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea
a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed. ~ David Letterman

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street. ~ David Letterman

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one. ~ David Letterman

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.' ~ David Letterman

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip. ~ David Letterman

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years. ~ David Letterman

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger. ~ David Letterman

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either. ~ David Letterman

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. ~ Rush Limbaugh

I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear. ~ David Letterman

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf? ~ David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. ~ David Letterman

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' ~ David Letterman

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7. ~ David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. ~ David Letterman

Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head. ~ David Letterman

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can. ~ David Letterman

It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression. ~ David Letterman

David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to be known to be funny without having it pointed out. ~ Michael Keaton

It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water. ~ David Letterman

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral. ~ David Letterman

Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address. ~ David Letterman

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do. ~ David Letterman

A small handgun makes any TV remote control. ~ David Letterman

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?' ~ David Letterman

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. ~ David Letterman

There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline. ~ David Letterman

Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting - you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out. ~ David Letterman

I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job. ~ Brian Lamb

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years. ~ David Letterman

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. ~ David Letterman

I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial. ~ David Letterman

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. ~ David Letterman

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger. ~ David Letterman

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before ~ David Letterman

Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material. ~ David Letterman

Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds. ~ David Letterman