Country Humor Quotes

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. ~ Lewis Black

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place. ~ Peter Ustinov

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. ~ Emo Philips

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" ~ Bill Bailey

I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open. ~ Robin Williams

Our democratic faith is more than the creed of our country, it is the inborn hope of our humanity, an ideal we carry but do not own, a trust we bear and pass along. And even after nearly 225 years, we have a long way yet to travel. ~ George W. Bush

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring. ~ Billy Connolly

The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them. ~ George W. Bush

Despite my mum being from a small village in the middle of a forest, I'm not a country person. I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers. But sometimes being police means holding your breath and fondling a pig. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country. ~ George S. Patton Jr.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.' ~ Marc Maron

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Mary Louise Cecilia "Texas" Guinan

Last year we drove across the country ... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip ... I don't remember what it was ... ~ Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country. ~ Steven Wright

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. ~ David Cross

We goan start promptly at seven o'clock, so be sure to take care of all your bodily needs and functions before we get started. ~ Charmaine T. Davis

It is a defect of God's humor that he directs our hearts everywhere but to those who have a right to them. ~ Tom Stoppard

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable. ~ Jerry Coleman

And we have much better examples of the government not intervening to curtain parental rights, much worse abuse than a simple tap on the hand or a spank is perpetrated by many parents across the country, trust me. ~ Sean Hannity

So Yoda sounds like our best bet as an energy source. But with world electricity consumption pushing 2 terawatts, it would take a hundred million Yodas to meet our demands. All things considered, switching to Yoda power probably isn't worth the trouble - though it would definitely be green. ~ Randall Munroe

Most of us, I suppose, have a secret country but for most of us it is only an imaginary country. Edmund and Lucy were luckier than other people in that respect. ~ C.S. Lewis

Syria has allowed its soil to be transited by foreign fighters who have come from a variety of source countries in the Gulf area and in the - in North African countries.There are some signs that that may have been reduced somewhat in the last couple of months. We need to watch that a bit and see if that is the case. ~ David Petraeus

Since the very beginning, Emeril's had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him. ~ Anthony Bourdain

He tiger is the very soul of India,&when the last tiger has gone,so will the soul of the country. ~ Ruskin Bond

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~ Lily Tomlin

You're probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone's better at math than I am, but it's okay, I'm fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things - guitar, sex, and consistently disappointing my dad, to name a few. ~ Jennifer Niven

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I never cared for red headed men. I think they look like shrimp boiled to peel. ~ Anita Diamant

We don't really have the ability to enforce the law with respect to illegal work in this country in a way that's truly effective ... We haven't been able to require every employer to enter a system in which they check the work status of their employees and determine whether they're legal, and without that, we don't really have the ability to enforce the law with respect to illegal work in this country in a way that's truly effective. And that would be the single greatest additional weapon we could use if we're serious about tackling this problem. ~ Michael Chertoff

Just my luck. The first colleague I'd befriended at the agency and it was an alcoholic supercomputer. ~ Seth Fried

Well, in the first place, military service, they don't call it service for nothing. You are actually serving your country. And it is a worthy and valid vocation. ~ Rick Warren

Moderation, we find, is an extremely difficult thing to get in this country. ~ Flann O'Brien

A second grader thinks she knows everything. She said her mommy was running a marathon tomorrow and I told her she was wrong. People can't run marathons. Marathons are when the same show is on TV all day long." Piper smirked and looked out her window, mighty proud of herself.
There goes my chance of winning Mother of the Year. ~ Beth Ehemann

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Dave Barry

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. ~ Aimee Bender

When the history of this period is written, [William Jennings] Bryan will stand out as one of the most remarkable men of his generation and one of the biggest political men of our country. ~ William Howard Taft

Art is never the voice of a country, it is an even more precious thing, the voice of the individual, doing its best to speak, not comfort of any sort, but truth. And the art that speaks it most unmistakably, most directly, most variously, most fully, is fiction. ~ Eudora Welty

Civilization is only skin deep, and so is barbarism. Had your country never broken its word and been as just as it is powerful, your red men would have been to-day where our brown men are - our equals." An ~ Rounsevelle, 1864-1901 Wildman

Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules - and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Steal not this book for fear of shame
For on it is the owners name
And when you die the Lord will say
Where is the book you stole away
And when you say you do not know
The Lord will say go down below. ~ L.M. Montgomery

He knew nothing about policy and taxes or what makes a people, and now, God help him, he was like those kids who think their country is Google. 'You're just not going deep enough,' Luke said. 'Money has imploded. Religion has gone mad. Privacy is disappearing. The ice-cap is melting and children are starving to death. And you want to sing an old song about national togetherness. ~ Andrew O'Hagan

If we're going to ask our kids at age 18 to go off to war and die for their country, I don't see any problem with asking them at age 16 to think about what that might mean. ~ M T Anderson

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can do. ~ Golda Meir

But this was Dublin, the nation's capital. The place of my birth and a city I loved at the heart of a country I loathed. A town filled with good-hearted innocents, miserable bigots, adulterous husbands, conniving churchmen, paupers who received no help from the State, and millionaires who sucked the lifeblood from it. ~ John Boyne

Junk stands and antique markets are the perfect place to pick up clues about the history of a country, region or town. ~ Judith Miller

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart. ~ Adam Ferrara

Dear Eldritch Snitch. I slap you with the satin glove of righteous wrath! From what noxious nest of nattering nincompoopery do you release your rancorous roosters of rumor ... ~ James Kennedy

Let him who loves his country in his heart, and not his lips only, follow me. ~ Giuseppe Garibaldi

I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten- thousandth time. And while I'm all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.
"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker. ~ Tara Sivec