Most Funny Friendship Quotes

The Queen Mary was the most civilized and luxurious way one could travel to America in the late 1930s. ~ Maureen O'Hara

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development. ~ Jim Jefferies

We were girls, you see, not even women, just girls, most of us when we started. And the boys were just boys, not men, most of them. We'd only begun to live life, we knew little and understood less. We were unformed, incomplete. It's funny how easy it is to see that now. If you'd called me a child three years ago when this started I'd have been furious. But looking back? We were children just getting ready to figure out what adulthood was all about. ~ Michael Grant

Our conversation starts out pretty normal. Matthew does most of the talking, as usual. He tells me about Wesley. He tells me everything. Well, almost everything. I was lucky enough to stop him before he got into the explicit details. Wesley also helped by nudging him with his shoulder. He even covered Matthew's mouth when the conversation took a sudden turn because the word package was used. Yeah, the conversation went from sweet and romantic to soft-core porn in about two seconds. ~ L. Arthur

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves. ~ Cuthbert Soup

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. ~ Joan Rivers

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? ~ Melissa Landers

How to Be a Man Step One: Eat a steak, preferably raw. If you can find a juicy steer and just maw a healthy bite off of its rump, that's the method that will deliver the most immediate nutrition, protein, and flavor. Make sure you chew at least three times. Step Two: Wash it down with your whisky of choice, preferably a single-malt scotch. ~ Nick Offerman

Thank you," she says and yanks the pull-tab off the soda can. She takes a big sip and aaahs. Then she takes the pull-tab and puts it on her ring finger like a wedding band. She holds her hand out and looks at it.
"Someday," she says wistfully.
"Wow, a soda pop pull-tab ring. You're easy. Most girls want their ring from Tiffany's."
"Well, I'm not most girls."
She's telling me? ~ Caprice Crane

Boys, welcome to the wonderful world of talking to women about their feelings. As a handy primer, here are a few things you should know:
1) Women have feelings.
2) You will spend the next seventy years or so trying to guess what they're feeling and why.
3) You will be wrong most of the time.
4) I like French Fries. ~ Brandon Sanderson

The funny thing is most people don't approach me because they are scared, and that's fine, I want to keep it that way. But the thing is if you're not scared or get over it you learn that sometimes what you're scared of is really what you shouldn't be scared of. ~ Rutger Hauer

Since I started making films, I've been a nut for dialogue. When I first saw Star Wars when I was 12 years old, I came home and recited all of the lines from it. Before I talked about Death Stars exploding and Tie Fighters I was talking about how funny Princess Leia was and how sarcastic Han Solo was. So to me that's always the most important thing, and I love hearing great actors say great lines. ~ Bryan Singer

I had placed my stick on the table, as I do every evening. It had been specially made to suit my height, to enable me to walk without too much difficulty. As I was standing up, a customer called to me: 'Monsieur, don't forget your pencil.' It was very unkind, but most funny. ~ Henri De Toulouse-Lautrec

Dear Kincaid,

You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. When you're in a room, it's like there's no one else there because you're all I can focus on. I wish I could tell you all the things I think and feel about you to your face, but I'm not sure I'm the guy you'd want to hear them from. Even so, I want you to know that there's someone in the world who realizes how special you are. Not because you're pretty, Not because you're funny. Not because you're smart. Though you are all those things. But because you are full of a light that outshines everyone else I've ever met. You, Kincaid Breslin, are singular. You are everything. ~ Roni Loren

Structure 19. You worried about structure when you came up with your story! If you did, I'm sorry. You missed some of the most joyous moments in writing. Character and story come first. Before anything. Certainly before all that Act One, Two, and Three crapola. When you're teasing out your story, make lots of notes. Think out loud. Talk to a tape recorder. Make more notes. Fill up oceans of 3x5 cards. Write on yellow legal pads. Write on white legal pads. Scribble on napkins or beer coasters. Write down cool stuff for characters to do that may never find its way into the movie. Make notes and more notes and more notes, but do not trouble yourself with structure. Screw structure. Have fun. Structure is for later. For now, just let your incredibly creative mind run free. Make notes about character and plot and story and funny moments and locations you'd like to visit. Tape record dialogue for your ~ William M. Akers

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. ~ Robert Sewell

Don't act like you know the first thing about the continent," I snapped. "It isn't as though you've ever visited."

He flinched, silent for a moment. "Have you?"

"No," I admitted. "But I very likely would have if you hadn't kidnapped me."

"I didn't kidnap you," Tristan said, his voice filled with irritation. "Your friend Luc did."

"He wouldn't have done so, if not for you. And he isn't my friend."

"That might be the case, but I don't doubt that he'd have substituted an equivalently dastardly deed in its place." He pointed a finger at me. "Mark my words, the boy was of a vile sort."

"Then you are two of a kind," I snapped.

"Ha ha," Tristan snorted. "How dreadfully clever. And speaking of clever, is this to be your bid for escape?" He contemplated my clothing. "In a dressing gown and bare feet? Now tell me, if I go put on nightclothes and slippers, might I join you, or is this a solo adventure?"

My eyes stung. "You think this is all exceedingly funny, don't you? I'm nothing but a joke to you."

His brow creased in a frown. "If you're a joke, it isn't an especially humorous one."

I threw up my hands in frustration. "You are the most intolerable individual I've ever met."

He bowed. "Why, thank you, Cécile. Always a pleasure to have one's accomplishments recognized."

"You are the last person in the world I'd choose to marry," I hissed.

"I don ~ Danielle L. Jensen

I probably would have gone the M.F.A. route except I was a dad at 19, and it made more sense to go to work for a newspaper and support a kid that way. But the funny thing is, that detour became the most important step in my developing as a novelist. ~ Jess Walter

If my kids were to make a talking doll of me as a mother, one of my recorded phrases would be 'I will throw that in the trash.' 'If you don't put that down right now, I will throw that in the trash.' It's very funny to hear myself say certain things - like noticing which phrases become the most popular to use. ~ Justine Bateman

Roadblock #5: It's Unpredictable
By and large, human beings don't like surprises. I know that I don't. Okay, maybe I like that rare piece of unexpected good news or a letter from a friend or a thoughtful thank-you. But I'm willing to bet that people in funny hats jumping out of dark closets are responsible for more heart attacks than expressions of unbridled delight. When the doorbell rings late at night, I'm under no illusion that it's the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol!
This, most likely, goes back to our caveman past when a big, exciting surprise was apt to be something like an 800-pound,snarling, saber-toothed tiger about to rip the head from our shoulders. Surprises were usually bad news. (Think about this the next time you're crouching in the dark in somebody's front hall closet with their raincoats and umbrellas.) ~ Paul Powers

The Marquis sighed. "I thought it was just a legend," he said. "Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City."
Old Bailey nodded, sagely: "What, the big white buggers? They're down there. I had a friend lost a head to one of them." A moment of silence. Old Naeiley handed the statue back to the Marquis. Then he raised his hand, and snapped it, like a crocodile hand, at the Carabas. "It was OK," gurned Old Bailey with a grin that was most terrible to behold. "He had another. ~ Neil Gaiman

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves. ~ Stephen Colbert

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. ~ Anna Held

Seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts. ~ Seth Grahame-Smith

It's pretentious to say, but my art is like a little Zen story, a story with a question mark at the end. People can take from it what they need. If somebody says, "Your art is very funny," I say, "You are totally right." If somebody says, "Your art is very sad," I say, "You are totally right." In Japan they say, "Your art is very Japanese, you even look Japanese.Your great-grandfather was most surely a Japanese man." And I say, "You are totally right." ~ Christian Boltanski

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.

For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.

When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someon ~ Joseph Heller

I'd even had business cards made up reading, ABIGAIL COOPER, P.I. with teeny-weeny little letters underneath in parentheses spelling out PSYCHIC INTUITIVE. Most people think I'm trying to be clever. The truth is, I'm a chickenshit. ~ Victoria Laurie

Most people are really fighting to not be adults. And, when it happens, it's a big transition. And a lot of that is just awful. It's awful to have to get a job and really be responsible for other people. And it is funny, too. Like, we're all kind of little idiot kids trying to act like we know what we are doing. ~ Judd Apatow

Did you know, the Alpha bond is a lot like the mate bond. The first twenty-four hours are apparently intense. I took oath from ten wolves today, and I can feel every fucking one of them in my head. And I use the adjective on purpose. You know what the most common response to facing death is?"
Simon let out a little snort.
Aaron's grin was wry. "Yeah, that. And when you consider that one of my wolves is Lucas, I haven't been this horny in about thirty years. ~ Kaje Harper

The funny thing about games and fictions is that they have a weird way of bleeding into reality. Whatever else it is, the world that humans experience is animated with narratives, rituals, and roles that organize psychological experience, social relations, and our imaginative grasp of the material cosmos. The world, then, is in many ways a webwork of fictions, or, better yet, of stories. The contemporary urge to "gamify" our social and technological interactions is, in this sense, simply an extension of the existing games of subculture, of folklore, even of belief. This is the secret truth of the history of religions: not that religions are "nothing more" than fictions, crafted out of sociobiological need or wielded by evil priests to control ignorant populations, but that human reality possesses an inherently fictional or fantastic dimension whose "game engine" can - and will - be organized along variously visionary, banal, and sinister lines. Part of our obsession with counterfactual genres like sci-fi or fantasy is not that they offer escape from reality - most of these genres are glum or dystopian a lot of the time anyway - but because, in reflecting the "as if" character of the world, they are actually realer than they appear. ~ Erik Davis

I've got a bunch of books ... I rely on funny books and movies to cheer me up. Oh, but I must say, I do have the world's most perfect husband, so a cuddle from him always cheers me up. He's a good guy. ~ Wendi McLendon-Covey

But that's the funny thing about treasure - we assume everyone wants what we hold most dear. ~ Suzanne Rindell

Thomas Merton said it was actually dangerous to put the Scriptures in the hands of people whose inner self is not yet sufficiently awakened to encounter the Spirit, because they will try to use God for their own egocentric purposes. (This is why religion is so subject to corruption!) Now, if we are going to talk about conversion and penance, let me apply that to the two major groups that have occupied Western Christianity - Catholics and Protestants. Neither one has really let the Word of God guide their lives.

Catholics need to be converted to giving the Scriptures some actual authority in their lives. Luther wasn't wrong when he said that most Catholics did not read the Bible. Most Catholics are still not that interested in the Bible. (Historically they did not have the printing press, nor could most people read, so you can't blame them entirely.) I have been a priest for 42 years now, and I would sadly say that most Catholics would rather hear quotes from saints, Popes, and bishops, the current news, or funny stories, if they are to pay attention. If I quote strongly from the Sermon on the Mount, they are almost throwaway lines. I can see Catholics glaze over because they have never read the New Testament, much less studied it, or been guided by it. I am very sad to have to admit this. It is the Achilles heel of much of the Catholic world, priests included. (The only good thing about it is that they never fight you like Protestants do about Scripture. They are e ~ Richard Rohr

When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you know that it's really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends from college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny. ~ Darren Criss

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within. ~ Sigmund Freud

Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life. ~ Leah Raeder

Thank you. There were three of us kids, all right together. I'm the oldest, she was the knee-baby, and my brother Henry came last. Funny, I miss her all the time, but I miss her most when I'm reading Austen. We'd been fans since we were in the seventh and eighth grade, two Creole girls gigglin' about marriage proposals gone bad. Our daddy teased us about reading each other passages during a Fourth of July crawfish boil, so he named the biggest one Mr. Darcy and threw him in the pot." She looked up, a smile fighting the tears in her eyes. "We refused to eat him. ~ Mary Jane Hathaway

Hey, what are you doing with your hand?" Eli's voice came out high pitched in surprise, as she clutched at Rafe's shoulders.
"It's the best place for leverage if you're going to make that ladder."
"My ass? Really?"
"What can I say, I've done the math, factored in the weight and height ratios and your ass is definitely where I will gain the most leverage in lifting you. ~ Jane Cousins

This was getting bloody ridiculous, he thought savagely. If she became any more adorable, endearing, or delectable, something was going to get broken.
Most likely his heart. ~ Lisa Kleypas

There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live. ~ Marie Sexton

The thing Tedros liked about girls is that they always started the conversation. Most of the time, his job was just to listen, ask questions, and try to understand what in God's name was going on in their complicated little heads. He rarely had any idea what girls were talking about or why they made everything so torturous in their logic, so playing the role of the strong, silent type usually gave him time to catch up. ~ Soman Chainani

It's funny how people who we fight with the most at the end of day are the ones that really got your back. ~ Jasmine V

People who act like jerks remind me of jerky. Tasty, and yet nobody talks about them. Or in most cases, taste completely terrible. ~ BlackStar103

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. ~ Bill Maher

I have had a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Gavin De Becker

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son. ~ Gertrude Stein

Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards. ~ Jodi Picoult