Funny Funny Stuff Quotes

Boys, welcome to the wonderful world of talking to women about their feelings. As a handy primer, here are a few things you should know:
1) Women have feelings.
2) You will spend the next seventy years or so trying to guess what they're feeling and why.
3) You will be wrong most of the time.
4) I like French Fries. ~ Brandon Sanderson

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. ~ George Carlin

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up ... not using ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research. ~ Brian Regan

You can't hold someone who
Wants to leave
You can't clutch a memory
As if it were today
You can't take an insult
Close to heart
You can't grasp for glory
From your chair
You can't seize life
Thinking only of loss
And you can't grab a laser pointer dot
On the wall
No matter how much you try
These hard-earned truths I give to you ~ Francesco Marciuliano

The despicable crone known as Mombi stands accused of high witchery, gross dishonesty, untold crimes against monkeys, outrageous trespassing, and general unpleasantness. Also, she is extremely unattractive. Miss Amy, do you speak for the witch? ~ Danielle Paige

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. ~ Dave Barry

It's funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip-flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changed. That summer was mine. ~ Sarah Dessen

It's funny how much influence our parents have on us." "True. ~ Susan Wiggs

I'm not posh! I'm just southern ~ Jonathan Harvey

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" ~ Jimmy Carr

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. ~ James M. Loy

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny? ~ Sydney J. Harris

Good dog! Nice fetch!"
"He wasn't fetching."
"Bring her here, boy. Good job!"
The dog looked from Zack to me.
"I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it. ~ Elizabeth Chandler

I never know how much of what I say is true. ~ Bette Midler

It's funny how you can remember special things about a person. It's Mama's hands I remember. When I was little and she'd dress me, her hands would be all up under my chin fastnin up my shirt. I'd smell the Clorox. I hated it because it made the inside of my nose burn. She said it didn't bother her and maybe one day I'd get used to it. Sometimes now, I run a little water in the sink. Then I add some Clorox and let my hands splash around in it. And then I smell. Long, deep breaths. I smell Mama. ~ Sandi Morgan Denkers

Shall we ever see the 10 million things of the universe simultaneously in order to be the all? I am convinced that to live is to travel towards the world's end. ~ Ella Maillart

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk. ~ Richard Burton

History is a funny little creature. Do you remember visiting your old Aunt that autumn when the trees shone so very yellow, and how she owned a striped and unsocial cat, quite old and fat and wounded about the ears and whiskers, with a crooked, broken tail? That cat would not come to you no matter how you coaxed and called; it had its own business, thank you, and no time for you. But as the evening wore on, it would come and show some affection or favor to your Aunt, or your Father, or the old end-table with the stack of green coasters on it. You couldn't predict who that cat might decide to love, or who it might decide to bite. You couldn't tell what it thought or felt, or how old it might really be, or whether it would one day, miraculously, decide to let you put one hand, very briefly, on its dusty head.

History is like that.

Of course, unlike your Aunt's cat, history is going on all around you, all the time, and is often quite lively. Sometimes it rests in a sunbeam for a peaceful century or two, but on the whole, history is always plotting, and it bites very hard. It stalks around the world, fickle and dissatisfied and often angry. It demands to be fed just a little earlier each day, until you find yourself carving meat from the bone as fast as you can, faster than you thought possible, just to satisfy it. Some people have a kind of marvelous talent for calming it and enticing it onto their laps. To some it will never even spare a glance. ~ Catherynne M. Valente

What the hell is wrong with you, man? I thought we were cool."
"We were," Warner says icily. "Until you touched my hair."
"You asked me to give you a haircut - "
"I said nothing of the sort! I asked you to trim the edges!"
"And that's what I did."
"This," Warner says, spinning around so I might inspect the damage, "is not trimming the edges, you incompetent moron - "
I gasp. The back of Warner's head is a jagged mess of uneven hair; entire chunks have been buzzed off. ~ Tahereh Mafi

Nance is funny that way. She likes women her own size--like your sister. She knows where she is with a woman like Martha. Whereas Molly--she's so--well, so full of life, she makes Nance feel even sicker. ~ Tracy Chevalier

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. ~ Socrates

When a woman with an iron fist tells you to get out there and clean spit off the door, you do it. Especially when the iron's hot. ~ Markus Zusak

Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled ~ Dan Quayle

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place. ~ Jimmy Durante

Just to travel is rather boring, but to travel with a purpose is educational and exciting. ~ Sargent Shriver

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?' ~ Robin Williams

A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation. ~ Stephen Crane

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. ~ Steve McConnell

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." ~ Steven Wright

Buddha is pretty funny. Buddha is the coolest, though. If I had to go with one, I'd probably party with the Buddha. ~ Jack Black

Hope is a funny thing when you think about it. It's something you always have. You just have to believe you do. ~ Laura Miller

I need to buy some postcards to send to Mom and Dad,' said Ian, heading up the steas to the Captain's Quill Bookshop. 'I also want to send some funny ones to Jackson and some of my other friends.'
'I'll get one for my mom,' said Zoe.
But as she sorted through the postcards, she remembered her mom was travling all summer without a fixed address, and email was a no-go because Granddad didn't own a computer. She didn't have the addresses of any of her friends with her, either-not that she had many friends. ~ Christine Brodien-Jones

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice. ~ Markus Zusak

He laughs under his breath, though I'm not sure what is so funny about that. Maybe it's evil laughter? There's no dramatic dom dom dom like Anna would provide in the background to steer me toward the appropriate conclusion in a time like this.

I really did grow entirely too reliant on her ghostly cues and tension breakers. ~ Kristy Cunning

You know it's only 50 miles from Grand River to Canton, but it took me 67 years to travel that distance. ~ Don Shula

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. ~ Fats Domino

Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you. ~ Jerry Coleman

Brooke stared in surprise. "You brought me lunch?"
"I was in the neighborhood."
She checked out the label on the bag. "DMK is twenty minutes from here."
"I was in that neighborhood, and now I'm here," he said in exasperation. "Seriously, woman, you are impossible to feed." He strode over and set the bag on her desk. "One cheeseburger with spicy chipotle ketchup and a side of sweet potato fries - chosen specifically for a certain spicy and sweet girl I know - and a green dill pickle for your eyes. So there." He crossed his arms over his chest.
Brooke studied him. "You seem very ornery right now."
"As a matter of fact, I am."
"Why?"
"I don't know," he huffed. "Just ... eat your Brooke Burger. Stop asking so many questions. Sometimes a guy just wants to buy a girl lunch. Any objections to that? Good. Enjoy your Sunday, Ms. Parker."
He strode out of her office, gone as quickly as he'd appeared.
Brooke stared at the doorway and blinked. ~ Julie James

So this crow comes and it starts quacking at us. ~ Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter. ~ Stephen Fry

Inspiration strikes at very funny times. ~ Gillian Jacobs

I said, names aren't important," he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"
Will shook his head.
"Supper is important! ~ John Flanagan

Look, you know, you can't please everybody. I'm a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn't matter how funny you are and how well you do, there's two people that are going to walk out of there hating you. ~ Billy Gardell

I don't know why he finds it funny that I want to take care of people. Someone has to. Everyone I love is a walking wreck. ~ Ban Gilmartin

I think we agree, the past is over. ~ George W. Bush

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you. ~ Yasser Arafat

Gary Larson: The funniest cartoonist I've ever seen. His two-volume set (The Complete Far Side) should be the textbook in any course taught on how to be funny on the comics page. ~ Stephan Pastis

Halt glared at his friend as the whistling continued.
'I had hoped that your new sense of responsibly would put an end to that painful shrieking noise you make between your lips' he said.
Crowley smiled. It was a beautiful day and he was feeling at peace with the world. And that meant he was more than ready to tease Halt 'It's a jaunty song'
'What's jaunty about it?' Halt asked, grim faced. Crowley made an uncertain gesture as he sought for an answer to that question.
'I suppose it's the subject matter' he said eventually. 'It's a very cheerful song. Would you like me to sing it for you?'
'N-' Halt began but he was too late, as Crowley began to sing. He had a pleasant tenor voice, in fact, and his rendering of the song was quite good. But to Halt it was as attractive as a rusty barn door squeaking.
'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady-o'
'Whoa! Whoa!' Halt said 'He met a lovely lady-o?' Halt repeated sarcastically 'What in the name of all that's holy is a lady-o?'
'It's a lady' Crowley told him patiently.
'Then why not sing 'he met a lovely lady'?' Halt wanted to know.
Crowley frowned as if the answer was blatantly obvious.
"Because he's from Palladio, as the song says. It's a city on the continent, in the southern part of Toscana.'
'And people there have lady-o's, instead of ladies?' Asked Halt
'No. They have ladies, like everyone else. But 'lady' doesn't rhyme with Palladio, does it? I could hardl ~ John Flanagan