Inappropriate Humor Quotes

The best jokes are uncalled-for. ~ Julien Torma

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. ~ Rita Rudner

So what is it really like? What happens when people die? Noor asks Alice Bhatti, who after finishing her shift has changed into a loose maxi and is lying down on a wheelie stretcher, her forearm covering her eyes. A half-torn poster on the wall behind the stretcher says : Bhai, your blood will bring a revolution. Someone has scrawled under it with a marker: And that revolution will bring more blood. Someone has added Insha'allah in an attempt to introduce divine intervention into the proceedings. Some more down-to-earth soul has tried to give this revolution a direction, and drawn an arrow underneath and scribbled, Bhai, the Blood Bank is in Block C. ~ Mohammed Hanif

It smelled delicious but tasted of jealousy. ~ Katie Graykowski

Horror has been a genre since the beginning of cinema, all the way back to the days of silent films. I don't think it will ever go away because it's so universal. Humor doesn't always travel to other countries, but horror does. ~ John Carpenter

I'm not above using unsavory beings to kick the Gods' asses, but the Phantoms are too unpredictable for my taste, I said. ~ Laura Kreitzer

Two things I learned a long time ago, Cate: Don't hold a grudge longer than it takes to work your way through a pan of brownies all by yourself, and don't begrudge someone an apology if they deserve it. ~ Alyssa Goodnight

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become. ~ Charles Dickens

Sure," said Adrian. "I bet going in there and kicking down the door will change their minds. Take Rose with you, and you guys'll make a really good impression. ~ Richelle Mead

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.'
You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. ~ Bill Hicks

The orgy room at Dave's Baths was democracy made flesh; race and social standing were checked at the door along with clothes. ~ Christopher Bram

Shame scowled. "How about I just make you angry again? That coat makes you look fat."
"Even more reason to take the stairs. ~ Devon Monk

Michael: Barzini will set me up through somebody close ... that, supposedly, I won't suspect.
Hagen: Somebody like me.
Michael: You're Irish, they won't trust you.
Hagen: I'm German-American.
Michael: To them that's Irish. ~ Mario Puzo

Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT your next door neighbor to see if they were okay ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Evan saw a man across the kitchen, butt leaning against the counter, muscular arms folded over his broad chest. His blond hair was cut very short, and his eyes were bright blue sparks. Evan's gaze locked with Paul's, and a sudden sense of vertigo swam through his head. The conversation in the other room, the back and forth between John and Alden, the startling brilliance of Bill's teeth
all of that faded away as Paul stared back at him. Evan found himself inside a strange bubble that blocked all outside stimuli. He had never experienced a connection this intense before, especially with an initial look, and even though it terrified him in a thrillingly sexual way, he didn't dare pull his gaze away from Paul's for fear of breaking the timeless moment between them. ~ Hank Edwards

Theres not a lot of good humor in medicine, but theres a lot of medicine in good humor. ~ Josh Billings

I gave up on cussing - I'd run out of words filthy enough - and just started praying. ~ Sarah Monette

When do you bleed a patient?"
The question brought me up short. "When I want him to die?" I asked dubiously. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

Aha! I take my three keys on my ring (car, house, El's) and hold my hand in a fist so that each of the keys is peeking out from between my fingers. I remember seeing this on a self-denfense special of Maury. Television saves lives. ~ Julie Murphy

The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines. ~ Anne Lamott

It's not that the scene which is unfolding for you is out there – it's coming from in here. ~ Art Hochberg

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. ~ Erma Bombeck

He joined Jude in the kitchen and began making a salad, and JB slumped to the dining-room table and started flipping through a novel Jude had left there. "I read this," he called over to him. "Do you want to know what happens in the end?"
"No, JB," said Jude. "I'm only halfway through."
"The minister character dies after all."
"JB!"
After that, JB's mood seemed to improve. ~ Hanya Yanagihara

David Attenborough has said that Bali is the most beautiful place in the world, but he must have been there longer than we were, and seen different bits, because most of what we saw in the couple of days we were there sorting out our travel arrangements was awful. It was just the tourist area, i.e., that part of Bali which has been made almost exactly the same as everywhere else in the world for the sake of people who have come all this way to see Bali. ~ Douglas Adams

We've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low. ~ Joshua Donellan

Van Gogh on his brother's upcoming marriage: "It's because he's in Holland, where he's getting married one of these days. Now, while not denying the advantages of a marriage in the very least, once it has been done and one is quietly set up in one's home, the funereal pomp of the reception &c., the lamentable congratulations of two families (even civilized) at the same time, not to mention the fortuitous appearances in those pharmacist's jars where antediluvian civil or religious magistrates sit – my word – isn't there good reason to pity the poor unfortunate obliged to present himself armed with the requisite papers in the places where, with a ferocity unequalled by the cruellest cannibals, you're married alive on the low heat of the aforementioned funereal receptions. ~ Liesbeth Heenk

Our historical bequest is sublime. I have inherited a fragmented but highly creative
exile and, since 1948, a home. I don't know that I want to settle there. I prefer the
creative spur of exile. () But wherever I am I shall be Jewish, and that sound will
inform every syllable I write. I am blessed with a long ancestry of wisdom, prophecy,
and promise, a line of overwhelming creative achievements, courage, humor, and,
above all, a dogged and chronic permanence, the greatest legacy of all. ~ Bernice Rubens

You staked him. You actually staked him."
"It was handy. Let's get those medics in here. I don't want this guy skipping out on multiple murder charges by dying on me. I want to know the minute he's able to talk. I think we're going to get an interesting confession."
"It's supposed to be the heart." she heard Peabody mutter. "It's really supposed to be the heart."
Eve blew out a long breath. "Keep it up, Peabody, and I may have Mira shrink your head after she's done with the second-rate Dracula ~ J.D. Robb

There is, perhaps, no more dangerous man in the world than the man with the sensibilities of an artist but without creative talent. With luck such men make wonderful theatrical impresarios and interior decorators, or else they become mass murderers or critics. ~ Dame Edna Everage

Amanda and I both paused to take in that bit of wisdom. And try to decide if it even was wisdom. ~ Robin Brande

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart," the inventor said. "The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm. ~ Mark Jackman

How's your grandpa?"
"Still worried that your blackness will infect me."
"That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting. ~ MaryJanice Davidson

Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky. ~ Lawrence Block

I was the other man, basically. The OB – which is lingo for "original boyfriend" not obstetrician – was just ridiculous looking. ~ Chase Brooks

What else is nature but God? ~ Seneca The Younger

If folks were meant to be rude they would be born that way. ~ Anonymous