Vampire Humor Quotes

You staked him. You actually staked him."
"It was handy. Let's get those medics in here. I don't want this guy skipping out on multiple murder charges by dying on me. I want to know the minute he's able to talk. I think we're going to get an interesting confession."
"It's supposed to be the heart." she heard Peabody mutter. "It's really supposed to be the heart."
Eve blew out a long breath. "Keep it up, Peabody, and I may have Mira shrink your head after she's done with the second-rate Dracula ~ J.D. Robb

Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire. ~ Rachel Caine

Shall we stay out here, so we won't wake your friends?
It was news to me that our conversation was going to last that long. Apparently, Bill hadn't come over just to borrow a cup of blood. ~ Charlaine Harris

I know I say people suck, but I didn't mean it literally. ~ J.D. Robb

I entered his apartment without being invited, which is perfectly fine if you're not a vampire. ~ Lisa Lutz

Was this a bad thing for a Christian to be doing? Probably. On the other hand, it had never occurred to me to ask the Methodist minister if he had a ritual in place to sever a blood bond between a woman and a vampire. ~ Charlaine Harris

So people really do tear out their hair and beat the ground with their fists ~ Suzanne Collins

Have you anything that is ready to wear today? I'd like nothing better than to be rid of that thing she has on now. You can use her measurements to fashion a few more."
"I have one or two I could quickly alter to her size. In fact there is one right there." She pointed to a pale yellow day dress draped over a dressmaker's model. Dunford was just about to say that it would do when he saw Henry's face.
She was staring at the dress like a starving woman. ~ Julia Quinn

Don't call me darling. I'm a driving instructor! ~ Hilary McKay

When he heard there was nothing to eat, he sat down and wept ... "Why did I ever wake up!" he cried. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth. ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I need to admit up front that I don't know how to have a fling. I'm not good at playing around and then saying good-bye. I'm throwing myself at your feet because I'm hoping for a shot at forever. Henry Jenkins/Mr. Nobley ~ Shannon Hale

Well, you can't be a vampire." I struggled to make it sound like I was teasing, not feverishly wishing. "You're not sparkling. ~ Katherine Pine

They say the first thing to go when you're old is your legs or your eyesight. It isn't true. The first thing to go is parallel parking. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. ~ Joseph Heller

I stand on a vast grass field of many gently sloping hills. It is night, yet the sky is bright. There is no sun, but a hundred blazing blue stars, each shining in a long river of nebulous cloud. The air is warm, pleasant, fragrant with the perfume of a thousand invisible flowers. In the distance a stream of people walk toward a large vessel of some type, nestled between the hills. The ship is violet, glowing; the bright rays that stab forth from it seem to reach to the stars. Somehow I know that it is about to leave and that I am supposed to be on it. Yet, before I depart, there is something I have to discuss with Lord Krishna.
He stands beside me on the wide plain, his gold flute in his right hand, a red lotus slower in his left. His dress is simple, as is mine - long blue gowns that reach to the ground. Only he wears a single jewel around his neck - the brilliant Kaustubha gem, in which the destiny of every soul can be seen. He does not look at me but toward the vast ship, and the stars beyond. He seems to be waiting for me to speak, but for some reason I cannot remember what he said last. I only know that I am a special case. Because I do not know what to ask, I say what is most on my mind.
"When will I see you again, my Lord?"
He gestures to the vast plain, the thousands of people leaving. "The earth is a place of time and dimension. Moments here can seem like an eternity there. It all depends on your heart. When you remember me, I am there in the blink o ~ Christopher Pike

Whatever," Winslow snorted. "The first team that got judged, from the Italian place on East Thrity-Sixth? They came back in here looking like whipped dogs. Come on, I Know i'm not the only one here about to wet myself."
There was a short pause while they all looked at Win, and the way he was sort of dancing in place.
"Dude," Danny finally said, "Maybe you just need to pee. ~ Louisa Edwards

I'm partial to telling all the sharks they're not as cool as they think they are, and that it's people like them who bankrupt the tooth fairy and don't leave any tooth money for the rest of us. Or we can make out some more. I'm planning on moaning, 'oh, Salty! You bad sea demon!' next time. Just so you're prepared."
Kat grins. "Who says we can't do both?"
"I knew I loved you." I lean in and kiss her. And then a shark swims by and I shake my fist at it and ask it where all my quarters are. ~ Chelsea M. Campbell

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. ~ Bill Bailey

Excuse me soldiers, but do you mind stepping away from your lady friends?"
We were here for the prostitutes.
"And why should we do that crypt Keeper? ~ Khalia Hades

Can I get you anything?" I couldn't remember if the Amrita family drank human blood or animal blood.
"I'm just hiding out from my little sisters. They giggle." She tilted her head. "Where are all your famous brothers?"
"Around."
She rolled her eyes. "Are they as insufferable as mine?"
I rolled my eyes back. "Worse."
She looked unconvinced. "I only have the one," she pointed out. "My family has daughters the way yours has sons. His rarity has made Haridas's head roughly the size of a hot-air balloon."
I had to grin. "I have seven of those."
"Seven what?" Quinn interrupted, leaning in the doorway. "Seven heroically patient big brothers of which I am the obvious favorite?"
"Something like that," I allowed. "You know, if you replace 'brother' with 'baboon'? ~ Alyxandra Harvey

There were babies, and toddlers, and five-year-old boys in Batman shirts. There was even a little girl dressed as Elsa. For no reason. It's not Halloween. But go ahead, cutie pie, you dress up as Elsa all you want. You do you. ~ Andrea Portes

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1 ~ Josh Stern

Horror has been a genre since the beginning of cinema, all the way back to the days of silent films. I don't think it will ever go away because it's so universal. Humor doesn't always travel to other countries, but horror does. ~ John Carpenter

Oh, it's already on Facebook. I didn't feel the need to ask, you are mine... ~ Amy Rachel Thompson

When someone's rattling on about blocked toilets, collapsing marquees, and penis-shaped birthday cakes, it's hard to convince yourself that you're in a life-or-death situation. ~ Catherine Jinks

In the United States and Canada, many young people are currently being raised on the idea of "safe spaces". Ideas that fall outside of the framework of Political Correctness are seen as so offensive that hearing these ideas is believed to be psychologically damaging. The young generation should therefore get 'protected' from these opposing ideas. It is hard to come up with a more effective way to create a generation of idiots. Besides being deeply and intensely indoctrinated with Political Correctness, these young people have an additional tendency to connect Western values and principles to the concept of "white supremacy". Western values and principles are thus "racist" and Western Civilisation is "oppressive". ~ Paul Nielsen

You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day. ~ Viggo Mortensen

Moses: God or crowd control?!? ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? ~ Dick Clark

Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.'

'They didn't!'

'They did.'

'When?'

'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds. ~ Sandra Balzo

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored ~ Cassandra Clare

Occasionally the poster pictures a pair of cyclists; and then one grasps the fact how much superior for purposes of flirtation is the modern bicycle to the old-fashioned parlour or the played-out garden gate. He and she mount their bicycles, being careful, of course, that such are of the right make. After that they have nothing to think about but the old sweet tale. Down shady lanes, through busy towns on market days, merrily roll the wheels of the "Bermondsey Company's Bottom Bracket Britain's Best," or of the "Camberwell Company's Jointless Eureka." They need no pedalling; they require no guiding. Give them their heads, and tell them what time you want to get home, and that is all they ask. While Edwin leans from his saddle to whisper the dear old nothings in Angelina's ear, while Angelina's face, to hide its blushes, is turned towards the horizon at the back, the magic bicycles pursue their even course. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? ~ Steven Wright

Of course those that have charm don't really need brains. ~ Evelyn Waugh

You must be a rich human," went on Holonie. "You could have come here with bodyguards, dogs, something. But you came here alone. Very risky. Nearly insane. Completely stupid."
Elbryn laughed his flat, humorless laugh. "Thanks? ~ Ash Gray

She glowered at him. 'For your information, in the past week, I have been, oh let's see, nearly raped,
kidnapped, tied to a bedpost, forced to cough my voice into nothingness-"
"That was your own fault."
"Not to mention the fact that I embarked upon a life of crime by breaking and entering into my former
home, was nearly trapped by my odious guardian-"
"Don't forget your sprained ankle," he supplied.
"Ooooohhhh! I could kill you!" Another bar of soap flew by his head, grazing his ear.
"Madam, you are certainly doing an able job of trying."
"And now!" she fairly yelled. "And now, as if all of that weren't undignified enough, I am forced to live
for a week in a bloody bathroom! ~ Julia Quinn

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake. ~ Michelle M. Pillow

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception. ~ Michel Templet

Why a woman turns fifty and certain people to whom she gave birth start thinking she should be wearing orthopedic shoes is completely beyond me. ~ Kelly Hunter

It's not my fault I have vampire swagger. ~ Delilah S. Dawson

Don't worry, hero. If the vamp shows up, I'm here to protect you."
"Great, I can hide behind your massive ego. ~ Cassandra Clare

There are never enough 'I love you's. ~ Lenny Bruce

Some logics get nervous breakdowns. Overloaded phone system behaves like frightened child. Mike did not have upsets, acquired sense of humor instead. Low one. If he were a man, you wouldn't dare stoop over. His idea of thigh-slapper would be to dump you out of bed - or put itch powder in pressure suit. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable ~ Josh Stern

There's no such thing as hideously ordinary. If something is hideous, it's automatically extraordinary. In a hideous way. ~ Libba Bray

When people see good, they expect good. I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations. ~ L.J.Smith

Now that I thought of it, perhaps whacking the burglar wasn't quite ... necessary.
It occurred to me that he said "Hi." I thought he did, anyway. He said hi. Do burglars usually
greet their victims? Hi. I'd like to rob your house. Does that work for you? ~ Kristan Higgins