Bill Hicks Quotes

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. ~ Bill Hicks

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart. ~ Bill Hicks

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth. ~ Bill Hicks

'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.' ... Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.' ~ Bill Hicks

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. ~ Bill Hicks

So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots ... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me ... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ... Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo ... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. ~ Bill Hicks

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA ... seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, I did it! Hey! ~ Bill Hicks

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? ~ Bill Hicks

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is ... thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.' ~ Bill Hicks

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. ~ Bill Hicks

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs ... shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'? ~ Bill Hicks

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. ~ Bill Hicks

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody,
remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something - if you're smoking out
of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know. ~ Bill Hicks

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions ~ Bill Hicks

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book. ~ Bill Hicks

Humanity is just a virus with shoes. ~ Bill Hicks

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus. ~ Bill Hicks

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it. ~ Bill Hicks

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this. ~ Bill Hicks

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. ~ Bill Hicks

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually ... I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. ~ Bill Hicks

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing ... Those unwanted babies ... ? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps. ~ Bill Hicks

To me pornography is ... spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. ~ Bill Hicks

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy ... ~ Bill Hicks

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now. ~ Bill Hicks

I was always 'awake' ... Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place. ~ Bill Hicks

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts ... Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. ~ Bill Hicks

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes] ~ Bill Hicks

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ~ Bill Hicks

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue
those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS
but they remain strangely silent ... ~ Bill Hicks

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego ... ~ Bill Hicks

Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour
appearing in small Southern towns
in front of handfuls of hillbillies. ~ Bill Hicks

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy ... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet ... ~ Bill Hicks

You are the imagination of yourself. ~ Bill Hicks

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows. ~ Bill Hicks

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth. ~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks wasn't just a comic, he was a crusader against humanity's relentless capacity to underachieve ~ Simon Pegg

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps ... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day? ~ Bill Hicks

I was just down in Dallas, Texas ... the Assassination Museum ... it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it. ~ Bill Hicks

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm ... Sounds like ... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make. ~ Bill Hicks

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that. ~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks - blowtorch, excavator, truthsayer, and brain specialist. He will correct your vision. Others will drive on the road he built. ~ Tom Waits

Love rather than fear ... this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope ... surely there is hope for us all. ~ Bill Hicks

I'm a fan of Bill Hicks. He did things that no other stand up did at the time. He was making fun of religion, at that time it was a lot harder to say those things in the States than it was here. To slag off Christianity and fundamentalist Christians, and to be pro drugs and anti gun in the deep south, that's a big ask. And he did that and made it funny. Bill Hicks was able to say things that he really thought, and he managed to make those thoughts funny without a care if it antagonised people. ~ Ed Byrne

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it. ~ Bill Hicks

Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks. ~ Bill Hicks

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. ~ Bill Hicks

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is
mankind's sole purpose on this planet. If you're wondering
what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I'll give you
a hint ... it has to do with creating and sharing. ~ Bill Hicks

A Christian will say ... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. ~ Bill Hicks

You want a better world ... ? Legalize pot right now ... end the deficit? Legalize pot right now ... biggest cash crop in America. ~ Bill Hicks

Marijuana grows naturally ... Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural? ~ Bill Hicks

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags. ~ Bill Hicks

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad ... that's a little bit overdoing it. ~ Bill Hicks

Rock stars against drugs
that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now! ~ Bill Hicks

We really are All One ... this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years. ~ Bill Hicks

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul ~ Bill Hicks

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me. ~ Bill Hicks

...goodness is murdered, mediocrity thrives... ~ Bill Hicks

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television. ~ Bill Hicks

I'd ... bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties. ~ Bill Hicks

The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are ~ Bill Hicks

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. ~ Bill Hicks

I want my rockstars dead. ~ Bill Hicks

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick ... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people? ~ Chris Rock

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally. ~ Bill Hicks

Freebird, the mantra of the moron. ~ Bill Hicks

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. ~ Bill Hicks

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. ~ Bill Hicks

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself ... Good evening! ~ Bill Hicks

That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth. ~ Bill Hicks

God has this ... hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality. ~ Bill Hicks

Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. ~ Bill Hicks

Life is only a dream and we are only the imagination of ourselves. ~ Bill Hicks

The police force in America pledge to "protect and serve." That would actually be dandy if it were happening. Bill Hicks used to joke that he'd like to hijack a typically unpunctual plane and force it to go to its scheduled destination on time. ~ Russell Brand

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? ~ Bill Hicks

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life. ~ Bill Hicks

I know this is not a very popular idea. You don't hear it too often any more … but it's the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn't murder anybody, didn't rape anybody, didn't rob anybody, didn't beat anybody, didn't lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? ~ Bill Hicks

The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being exclude ~ Bill Hicks

I don't do drugs anymore ... than, say, the average touring funk band. ~ Bill Hicks

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life? ~ Bill Hicks

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us ... to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells ... ~ Bill Hicks

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~ Bill Hicks

It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke. ~ Bill Hicks

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross? ~ Bill Hicks

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. ~ Bill Hicks

There's that great Bill Hicks line - the comedian - where he says, "Are you proud to be an American?" "I don't know. It's just where my parents had sex." ~ Josh Radnor

It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom. ~ Bill Hicks

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day. ~ Bill Hicks

Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense. ~ Bill Hicks

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. ~ Bill Hicks

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you. ~ Bill Hicks

I go to dance clubs ... about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!' ~ Bill Hicks

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. ~ Bill Hicks

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick
'You hate this country' ... I have to tell him ... I just hate being lied to. ~ Bill Hicks

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. ~ Bill Hicks

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves ... After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do. ~ Bill Hicks

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey ... there's one guy holding up both! ~ Bill Hicks

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered. ~ Bill Hicks

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. ~ Bill Hicks

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~ Bill Hicks