Humorous Valentine Quotes

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat? ~ Justin Halpern

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood. ~ Bob Hope

My perfect Valentine's Day would be coming home to a giant box waiting for me, and it has a gorgeous dress and high-heeled shoes and a handbag. And someone's waiting to do my hair and makeup. You can tell I've been in too many romantic comedies. ~ Judy Greer

It was possible that he was making some progress in his mental health condition by seeing me. ~ Holly Goldberg Sloan

Don't that make your bosom plim? ~ Thomas Hardy

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men. ~ Agatha Christie

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you. ~ Nick Shamhart

I need you forever, for you are my teddy. ~ Vikrmn

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead. ~ Mark R. Jones

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. ~ Lao-Tzu

When you told me the first time that Valentine was your father, I didn't believe it. Not just because I didn't want it to be true, but because you weren't anything like him. I've never thought you're anything like him. But you are. You are. ~ Cassandra Clare

Ladies,

I have bad news for you. Men are pigs. No really. I know you think you know what I'm talking about but you don't know the half of it. You have no idea how depraved we men really are.

I'm about to tell you the truth about men. The whole truth. Not that sanitized holier-than-thou shit they feed you in all those other relationship books.

I'm gonna take you into the abyss that is the male mind. It's a dark and scary place. You're not gonna like it. It's dirty in there. Icky. Don't touch anything. Bring hand sanitizer. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Hugo attacked me." Clary tried not to wince as the astringent liquid stung her wounds.
Hugo?" Luke blinked.
Hodge's bird. I think it was his bird, anyway. Maybe it was Valentine's."
Hugin," Luke said softly. "Hugin and Munin were Valentine's pet birds. Their names mean 'Thought' and 'Memory.'"
Well they should mean 'Attack' and 'Kill,'" said Clary. "Hugo almost tore my eyes out. ~ Cassandra Clare

I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment. ~ Dave Barry

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. ~ Candace C. Bowen

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady. ~ Honore De Balzac

Looks like I'm going to have to kill him with kindness. That's the way Gran always taught me to treat people who were mean to me. ~ Michelle A. Valentine

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. ~ Josh Billings

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it. ~ Adrienne Wilder

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep! ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Love a girl truly
Expectation: Marriage
Reality : Friendzoned ~ Subhasis Das

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. ~ Robert J. Morrissette

For it was intelligence that was the thin line between endearing rapscallion and idiot bastard. - Éibhear the Contemptible ~ G.A. Aiken

Never sign a valentine with your own name. ~ Charles Dickens

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater. ~ Roman Polanski

" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute." ~ Charles Dickens

And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it ~ William J. Clinton

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. ~ Frankie Boyle

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run. ~ Edgar Degas

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not
and decides to take offence. ~ Anton Chekhov

There is, after all, no pleasure like that given by a woman who really wants to see you. ~ Anthony Powell

I don't know what it is, but even when I pretty much like a man, after I date him a while, he gets to seem kind of tiresome. I just can't be bothered to act interested anymore, and then I finally tell him I don't want to go out anymore. They always get upset. - Lillian ~ Charlaine Harris

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning. ~ Janet Evanovich

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss. ~ Brian Spellman

Seduction is the art of saying what you don't do in order to do what you don't say ~ Lois Lancaster

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave. ~ Michelle M. Pillow

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it. ~ Finley Peter Dunne

Happy and giggly and bustly, the Hogfly ignored Hiccup's strangled cries of: "Hoglfy! Come back here, Hogfly!"
"Ooh!" it squeaked in delighted confusion. "You all look so lovely! How am I to choose which one of you to be my friend?"
It perched on the sinister swoop of the Razorwing's nose.
"Where's my biscuit? Are you married? Be my valentine ... "
"I can't bear to watch ... " groaned Fishlegs.
It was like seeing an enthusiastic bunny rabbit trying to make friends with a heavily armed, bunny-eating cobra. ~ Cressida Cowell

I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorous health helps creativity. ~ Robert Mankoff

I've sent you roses many times.
I've held your hand in mine ~ Richard L. Ratliff