Humorous Mystery Quotes

Nothing ends a first date faster than finding a dead body. ~ Katherine Bacher

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day. ~ E.J. Stevens

Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them. ~ Bridget Allison

It's Savannah, the land of dishing-the-dirt and all things fried. ~ Duffy Brown

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.) ~ Groucho Marx

There is no mystery
that's the beauty of it. We are entirely explicable to each other, and yet we stay. What a miracle that is. ~ Kamila Shamsie

A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. ~ Mark Twain

My attention was like cooking butter, not spreadable at the best of times. And when it was spreadable, it could destroy your toast by setting it ablaze. I was unpredictable, even to myself. ~ Shoeburn Ruffet

I'm going to do something bigger and better,
bigger and better
and bolder, but first,
I'm going to do something
smaller and worse. ~ JonArno Lawson

When looking for someone to marry, make sure they love you more than themselves, and God more than you. ~ Wendy Heuvel

It was strange and amusing ... and, honestly, a bit embarrassing ... to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century. ~ Stephenie Meyer

We cannot get away from the infinite. It stares us in the face whether we look at atoms or stars, or at the becauses behind the becauses, stretching back through eternity. Flat-earth science has no more use for it than the flat-earth theologians had in the Dark Ages; but a true science of life must let infinity in, and never lose sight of it. In two earlier books I have tried to show that throughout the ages the great innovators in the history of science had always been aware of the transparency of phenomena towards a different order of reality, of the ubiquitous presence of the ghost in the machine -even such a simple machine as a magnetic compass or a Leyden jar. Once a scientist loses the sense of mystery, he can be an excellent technician, but he ceases to be a savant. ~ Arthur Koestler

Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see? ~ Scylar Tyberius

I always wanted to see what America was like. I had that curiosity in my 20s when I was working in the theatre here [ in London] ... there was the mystery of LA and I wondered what happened over there. I wanted to go and check it out and I'm pleased that I have. ~ Tom Hiddleston

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. ~ Dave Barry

A friend is a beloved mystery; dearest always because he is not ourself, and has something in him which it is impossible for us to fathom. If it were not so, friendship would lose its chief zest. ~ Lucy Larcom

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Over a year later and the chemistry was still as powerful as ever. ~ Katie Reus

Visitation Street is urban opera writ large. Gritty and magical, filled with mystery, poetry and pain, Ivy Pochoda's voice recalls Richard Price, Junot Diaz, and even Alice Sebold, yet it's indelibly her own. ~ Dennis Lehane

Oh, it's called, em ... ' Kate thinks, 'I can't remember what it's called.'
'You're the same as me,' Dad says to her. 'You've got CRAFT too.'
'What's that?'
'Can't. Remember. A. Fuc- ~ Cecelia Ahern

I've seen plays that are, objectively, total messes that move me in ways that their tidier brethren do not. That's the romantic mystery of great theater. Translating this ineffability into printable prose is a challenge that can never be fully met. ~ Ben Brantley

The world is Absolutely Brilliant. Difficult sometimes. Confusing often. But humorous almost always. ~ Henry L. Walton

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket. ~ Madonna Ciccone

Follow Your Dreams, Except the One Where You're at School in Your Underwear ~ Annabel Monaghan

But I can't force myself to remember my hidden past or purposefully unravel the mystery of my heart. Secrets are usually buried for a reason. ~ Siobhan Davis

But there is one thing which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuing my travels - not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often, I'll think of this day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man. ~ Hermann Hesse

Eternity hums with every beating heart, with every up-lifted voice, with the crash of waves, the whirl of wind across the shifting dunes, the cry of sea birds, and the trumpets of heavenly angels. ~ Janell Rhiannon

When a guy says,'I'll call you,' and he doesn't say when-that means he won't call you." Kit pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a couple buttons. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out, smiling. "Madness," Kit whispered softly into his phone. "I meant I'd call you. This is me calling you. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

He was mystery and unanswered questions. ~ Stephanie Garber

For anyone who wanted to throw away his watch, along with his past, this was the place. ~ Peggy Kopman-Owens

And that's the worst of it, the part no one ever tells you about."

"What part?" he said, his voice still clenched with grief.

"How it never stops. How the pain of missing people never stops. When you burn your finger in a fire, it hurts, but it only hurts one way because you know what caused the pain and why the pain is there, and you know that it will settle, in a bit. But heart pain has facets, Silas. A thousand different sides, sharp and hard; most of them you don't even know exist, even when you're looking straight at them. When someone leaves, or dies, or doesn't love you in return, well, you may think you know why your heart hurts. But wrapped in there are a hundred kinds of fear all tangled in a knot you can't untie. Nobody wants to be alone. We all fear being left alone, being left behind. I know such things exist. But you must learn to see death as something more than loss, more than absence, more than silence. You must learn to make mourning into memory. For once a person takes leave of his life, that life becomes so much more a part of ours. In death, they come to be in our keeping. The dead find their rest within us. Thus, in remembrance, we are never alone. But people forget the power of memory. So we fear death in the deepest place of our very being, because we don't know that memories make us immortal. We focus instead on being gone and the awful mystery behind absence. Love and death - and those two are very closely bound together - sca ~ Ari Berk

She did not care what a ludicrous picture she might be painting, a fat happy old lady in her night gown, swinging on a small little swing in the dead of the night. ~ Srividya Srinivasan

The mosquitos are so big they eat you alive wear your shoes. ~ Joe R. Landon

I have no aspiration here to reclaim mystery and paradox from whatever territory they might inhabit, for there is, indeed, often a killing in a kiss, a mercy in the slap that heats your face . . . There is, nevertheless, a particular poverty in those alloplasts who, addressing tragedy, seek to subdistinguish motives beyond those we have best, because nearest, at hand, and so it is with love and hate--emotions upon whose necks, whether wrung or wreathed, may be found the oldest fingerprints of man. A simple truth intrudes: the basic instincts of every man to every man are known. But who knows when or where or how? For the answers to such questions, summon Augurello, your personal jurisconsult and theological wiseacre, to teach you about primal reality and then to dispel those complexities and cabals you crouch behind in this sad, psychiatric century you call your own. It is the anti-labyrinths of the world that scare. Here is a story for you. Your chair. ~ Alexander Theroux

People might be dismissive of someone obsessed with mystery stories, as if the line between fiction and reality was so distinct. They didn't know, perhaps, that Sherlock Holmes was based on a real man, Dr. Joseph Bell, and that the methods Arthur Conan Doyle created for his fictional detective inspired generations of real-world detectives. Did they know that Arthur Conan Doyle went on to investigate mysteries in his real life and even absolved a man of a crime for which he had been convicted? Did they know how Agatha Christie brilliantly staged her own disappearance in order to exact an elegant revenge on a cheating husband? ~ Maureen Johnson, Truly Devious

Steve Forman strafes the south Florida scene with Boca Knights, an outrageously funny mystery novel with a raft of offbeat characters and prose that moves trippingly off the pen. His main man, Eddie Perlmutter, ex-Boston cop attempting semi-retirement in Boca Raton like a fish trying to retire out of the water, is a character for the ages. Carl Hiaasen, watch your back. ~ Douglas Preston

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99. ~ Ryan Lilly

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. ~ Quentin R. Bufogle

There is an ineffable mystery that underlies ourselves and the world. It is the darkness from which the light shines. When you recognize the integrity of the universe and that death is as certain as birth, then you can relax and accept that this is the way it is. There is nothing else to do. ~ Alan Watts

The inner self of every human waits patiently until we are ready to discover it; then it extends an invitation to enter the luminous mystery of existence in which all things are created, nurtured, and renewed. In the presence of this mystery, we not only heal ourselves, we heal the world. ~ Deepak Chopra

Yoh: What were you doing?

Haruna:Ah, I was sewing Asoaka-san's t-shirt and I got pricked by the needle.

Yoh: He could've done the work better if he did it himself. I'm pretty sure he got a 10 in home economics.

Haruna: Eh!? Really!?

Yoh: Ah thanks for this.

Haruna: Ah. yeah.

Yoh: I drank what was in the container, but what was it?

Haruna: Radish soup!! Asaoka-san told me that radish soup is good for the throaght!!

Yoh: Why does he always come in with such good timing?

Haruna: Ah. Come to think of it, you're right.It's a mystery!! ~ Kazune Kawahara

She looked like a head-on collision between a fashion plate and a nightmare. ~ L.M. Montgomery