Humorous Mysteries Quotes

Nothing ends a first date faster than finding a dead body. ~ Katherine Bacher

He was a dark and stormy knight. A latter-day rake with eyes the color of emeralds worth a queen's ransom. His smile promised voyages to the moon. And heaven alone knew how many females lay littered in his wake.

To a rousing burst of Rachmaninoff, he swept into my London flat one January evening and, with the hauteur of his greeting, captured my virgin heart forever and a day.

'Miss Ellie Simons? My car awaits. Shall we splurge on dinner or parking tickets? ~ Dorothy Cannell

She'd gotten through the entire evening without killing anyone. Lieutenant Eve Dallas, cop to the bone, figured the restraint showed enormous strength of character. ~ J.D. Robb

What's in that pipe that he's smoking? ~ Arlo Guthrie

Heavens, no," Wax said. "If I approved of half the thngs Wayne does, Harmony would probably strike me on the spot. ~ Brandon Sanderson

If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life. ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about ... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. ~ Demetri Martin

How is that weird?" Dark the First asked incredulously. "Literally everyone does it. Literally."
"I really wish you'd stop saying literally," Dark the Second said. "I literally don't think you understand what that word means. ~ T.J. Klune

The man who is an initiate of one of the great Mystery Schools never fears to let his pupils outdistance him, because he knows that it stands him in good stead with his superiors if he is constantly sending up to them aspirants who 'make good.' He therefore never tries to hold back a promising pupil, because he has no need to fear that pupil, if allowed to penetrate into the Mysteries, would spy out the nakedness of the land; he will rather bring back a report of its exceeding richness, and thereby confirm the statements of his teacher and spur his fellow pupils to yet greater eagerness. ~ Dion Fortune

He's sort of a homeless horse," I said.
"I'm leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won't be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don't want that horse in my apartment."
"Who would put a horse in an apartment? That's dumb."
"Where's the horse staying now?"
"My apartment."
"I can always count on you to brighten my day," Ranger said. And he disconnected. ~ Janet Evanovich

Guys are so transparent most of the time. Unless, of course, they're dating you, in which case they are utter mysteries. ~ Nicole Richie

Nobody ever lost a dollar by underestimating the taste of the American public. ~ P.T. Barnum

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison. ~ Ed Williams

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart," the inventor said. "The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm. ~ Mark Jackman

There was a boy down at the stables." She laughed suddenly with her back comfortably nestled against Grant's chest. "Oh,Lord,he was a bit like Will, all sharp,awkward edges."
"You were crazy about him."
"I'd spend hours mucking out stalls and grooming horses just to get a glimpse of him.I wrote pages and pages about him in my diary and one very mushy poem."
"And kept it under your pillow."
"Apparently you've had a nodding aquaintance with twelve-year-old girls."
He thought of Shelby and grinned, resting his chin on the top of her head. Her hair smelled as though she'd washed it with rain-drenched wildflowers. "How long did it take you to get him to kiss you?"
She laughed. "Ten days.I thought I'd discovered the answer to the mysteries of the universe.I was a woman."
"No female's more sure of that than a twelve-year-old. ~ Nora Roberts

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me. ~ Steve Jobs

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas") ~ Dave Barry

In the detective story, as in its mirror image, the Quest for the Grail, maps (the ritual of space) and timetables (the ritual of time) are desirable. Nature should reflect its human inhabitants, i.e., it should be the Great Good Place; for the more Eden-like it is, the greater the contradiction of murder. The country is preferable to the town, a well-to-do neighborhood (but not too well-to-do-or there will be a suspicion of ill-gotten gains) better than a slum. The corpse must shock not only because it is a corpse but also because, even for a corpse, it is shockingly out of place, as when a dog makes a mess on a drawing room carpet."

(The guilty vicarage: Notes on the detective story, by an addict, Harper's Magazine, May 1948) ~ W. H. Auden

Night with its long hours of mysteries and uncertainties was the time to fear. ~ Charles B. MacDonald

I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive. ~ River Jaymes

The will, I believe, is the mystery of mysteries. Who can say beforehand that his will is strong? There are all kinds of indefinable currents moving to and fro between one's will and one's inclinations. People talk as if the two things were essentially distinct; on different sides of one's organism, like the heart and the liver. I believe there is a certain group of circumstances possible for every man, in which his will is destined to snap like a dry twig. ~ Henry James

Passive Income: It's not just about real estate ~ Chris Guillebeau

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn't steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks. ~ J.S. Davey

It's wonderful the way cats bound about,
it's wonderful how men are not found out
so far.
It's miserable how many miserable are
over the spread world at this tick of time.
These mysteries that I'm

rehearsing in the dark did brighter minds
much bother through them ages, whom who
finds
guilty for failure?
Up all we rose with the dawn, springy for pride,
trying all morning. Dazzled, I subside
at noon, noon be my gaoler

and afternoon the deepening of the task
poor Henry set himself long since to ask:
Why? Who? When?
--I don't know, Mr Bones. You asks too much
of such as you & me & we & such
fast cats, worse men. ~ John Berryman

He thought moving to a small town would allow him to find a way to get along to some extent but people were just plain idiots. ~ Christine Feehan

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place. ~ Mike Figgis

I read an awful lot in college - a lot of Dickens, a lot of 19th century American stuff, a lot of old mysteries. Maybe it's helped me attain a certain fluidity with my style. ~ Josh Lieb

I was on the verge of something numinous and profound and in one more second the universe was going to crack open and arcana would rain down on my head like grace and all the cosmic mysteries were going to be revealed. ~ Kate Atkinson

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it? ~ W.C. Fields

Hey Highbrow. Next time remember to tuck and roll. ~ Naima Simone

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. ~ Mike Harding

No purpose, no science, only love alone can justify and explain the mysteries of creation. ~ Debasish Mridha