Humor Inspiratinal Quotes

Retirement is like sex. Men love to talk about it but when the time finally comes they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their tie back on. ~ Paula Wall

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you. ~ Herbert Beerbohm Tree

She remembered Grace telling her about Lorcan's evasiveness when she'd first joined the Noctourne-his ability to speak without saying anything, to talk in riddles.
He's a conundrum, thought Cheng Li. A walking, talking conundrum ~ Justin Somper

That is really amazing.' he said. 'That really is truly amazing. That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it. ~ Douglas Adams

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. ~ Kristen Schaal

I once met a man who was paranoid about dying, so i shot him ~ Mark Brandon Read

The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.
I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, Fuck subtle. ~ Jim Butcher

Is his eyesight really that bad?"
"Worse," Liam said. "So right after we got the hell out of Caledonia, we broke into this house to spend, right? I woke up in the middle of the night hearing the most awful noise, like a cow dying or something. I followed the wailing, clutching some kid's baseball bat, thinking I was going to have to bad someone's head in for us to make a clean getaway. Then I saw what was sitting at the bottom of the drained pool."
"No way," I said.
"Way," he confirmed. "Hawkeye had gone out to relieve himself and had somehow missed the giant gaping hole in the ground. Twisted his ankle and couldn't climb out of the deep end. ~ Alexandra Bracken

My ass hurts, Garrett."
"Didn't we have this conversation when we first met? ~ Abigail Roux

Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. ~ Bill Watterson

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. ~ Demetri Martin

Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.
Cat re: Annette ~ Jeaniene Frost

There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead. ~ George W. Bush

When I am old and addled I will make coronets like Cad, that have nothing to do with history, but represent the whimsy and cobwebs in my brain. ~ Sherri Baldy

So, I'm a playwright. In Minneapolis. Which means that I find myself operating in a pretty lefty crowd, most of the time. And most of my energy goes towards arguing with that, and musing about how I really fucking can't stand Democrats. So I was startled to be reminded of a fact that I'd almost entirely forgotten: I really fucking can't stand Republicans. ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

[August] Derleth tried to prevent any other (non-Derleth-approved) writer from writing Cthulhu Mythos stories.If Lovecraft had wanted bad writers to avoid Cthulhu Mythos stories, he wouldn't have written back to August Derleth. ~ Kenneth Hite

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When you're dating someone, you need to have intercourse at least ten times before you start talking about The Future. ~ Mimi Strong

When the boogie man goes to sleep he checks his closet for me ~ Chuck Norris

A little of me goes a long way," I told my wife on our wedding night. ~ W.H. Mitchell

A loud smile is often a fake laugh. ~ Saahil Prem

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them. ~ David Sedaris

And do all Hell-Bards waddle like a duck, or is it just you? ~ Susan Dennard

Whoever authorized the evolution of the spiders of Australia should be summarily dragged out into the street and shot. ~ Mira Grant

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.. ~ Noel Fielding

Once, when Nick, Alice, and Elisabeth went away for a weekend together, Elisabeth spent ages at the breakfast table studying the "nutritional information" panel on the side of a container of yogurt, warning them darkly, "You have to be really careful with yogurt." Whenever Nick and Alice ate yogurt after that, one of them would always shout, "Careful! ~ Liane Moriarty

Feelings, rationale and values are the top qualities that make a person exceedingly human. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

People tell me I excel in Public Relations, what I suck at are private affairs. ~ Ioana-Cristina Casapu

Never give up the freeness of your soul. Live your duty to mankind, nurture creatures of this world as a true mother of the earth, but never shut your imagination off from those desires that distinguish you from the ordinary. Never allow yourself to be sapped of that extraordinary energy that is the necessary ingredient for creating something new and progressive. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

After dinner, at five o'clock, the crew distributed folding canvas cots to the passengers, and each person opened his bed wherever he could find room, arranged it with the bedclothes from his petate, and set the mosquito netting over that. Those with hammocks hung them in the salon, and those who had nothing slept on the tablecloths that were not changed more than twice during the trip. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Come on, Beamer! I beheaded you for your own good. ~ S.J. Kincaid

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). ~ Jeremy Clarkson

I seem to have a one-track mind. When I was having babies, I did nothing else. When I do pictures, I go all out. I really think it is easier to manage my seven. You can't afford to humor each one of them. They have to learn to do things when they are told. ~ Maureen O'Sullivan

I have such a respect for comedy. It's a lot harder than doing drama, in my opinion; you have to have sort of an innate sense of humor. There are rules to comedy you can learn. But ultimately, it really does require a certain point of view on the world, and that really does appeal to me. ~ Elizabeth Banks

It takes 3 girls to tow always; two to hold the rope, and the other one runs round and round, and giggles. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson