Humor Humour Women Quotes

A camera is just like a woman, as long as you have one of them hanging around your neck ... life is just fine ~ Sunny-Drunk

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it ~ Bill Hicks

He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed. ~ Martin Amis

The old adage--humor is the best way to make the unbearable bearable--may be true. ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

In order to make them overlook our greed, or to make us seem less greedy than we are, we sometimes remind some people that, if and when we catch it, the wealth that we are relentlessly chasing would enable us to help a lot of poor people. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The announcer, in milky tones, rolled out the commercial; it was all about some sort of washing powder that made laundry days a mere frolic in the backyard ~ Ruth Park

Men and boys are constantly portrayed as predatory, sexist, their sense of humour is vilified and their behaviour is regarded as unacceptable. Factor in the constant diet we are fed of men as perpetrators of rape, murder and domestic violence. Boys must wonder whether they will ever be able to do anything right. This must make it painfully difficult for young men and women to build up relations based on honesty, love and trust. ~ Belinda Brown

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. ~ George W. Bush

You know how to pray, don't you? Just put your hands together and hope. ~ Terry Pratchett

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. ~ Robert J. Morrissette

The second orgasm has a biblical connotation. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY? ~ Caitlin Moran

A rabbi had a conversation with the Lord about Heaven and Hell. "I will show you Hell," said the Lord, and he led the rabbi into a room containing a large round table. The people sitting around the table were famished and desperate. In the middle of the table was an enormous pot of stew that smelled so delicious that the rabbi's mouth watered. Each person around the table held a spoon with a very long handle. Although the long spoons just reached the pot, their handles were longer than the would-be diners' arms: thus, unable to bring food to their lips, no one could eat. The rabbi saw that their suffering was terrible indeed.


"Now I will show you Heaven," said the Lord, and they went into another room, exactly the same as the first. There was the same large round table, the same pot of stew. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons - but here everyone was well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The rabbi could not understand. "It is simple, but it requires a certain skill," said the Lord. "In this room, you see, they have learned to feed each other. ~ Irving Yalom

I am going to make you what you may perhaps consider rather a singular proposition. It is this, that if you don't like me, say so at once, and we will part now, before we have time to know anything more of each other, and I will endeavour not to cross your path again unless you seek me out. But if on the contrary, you do like me, - if you find something in my humour or turn of mind congenial to your own disposition, give me your promise that you will be my friend and comrade for a while, say for a few months at any rate. I can take you into the best society, and introduce you to the prettiest women in Europe as well as the most brilliant men. I know them all, and I believe I can be useful to you. But if there is the smallest aversion to me lurking in the depths of your nature" - here he paused, - then resumed with extraordinary solemnity - "in God's name give it full way and let me go, - because I swear to you in all sober earnest that I am not what I seem! ~ Marie Corelli

Fell?' he asked. 'Or was pushed?'

Anton shrugged again. 'It hardly makes a difference,' he said, 'when you are the man at the bottom of the stairs. ~ Michael Montoure

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident. ~ Joshua Donellan

He scanned the page looking for an entry that read, "Help! I'm Almost Thirteen Years Old and I Still Have the Muscles of a Third-Grader!" but apparently Robert's condition was so freakish and rare, the authors of the book didn't even bother to include it. ~ Charles Gilman

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs. ~ Jefferson Smith

I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy! ~ Curly Howard

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

I have one important question to ask you before I kiss you."
Kiss her? Her eyes had possibly bulged out of their sockets. Not good. "What?"
"Are you allergic to calamari? ~ Cari Silverwood

I ain't scared to lend a hand
I ain't scared to clench it either ~ Mie Hansson

Don't bite the hand that feeds you; especially if you're dining alone. ~ Kevin Ansbro

Again and again, I learn how much friendship enriches my life, bringing warmth, assurance, humour, inspiration, a sense of security. It depends on honesty, trust, loyalty. It's about giving. It's for sharing the good times, but also the tough times, hurt, grief, sadness. ~ Quentin Bryce

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army. ~ Mary Roach

If you can't be of good character, write a good character. ~ Rosen Trevithick

Why, there's the air, the sky, the morning, the evening, moonlight, my friends, women, the beautiful architecture of Paris to study, three big books to write and all sorts of other things. Anaxagoras used to say that he was in the world in order to admire the sun. And then I have the good fortune to be able to spend my days from morning to night in the company of a man of genius - myself - and it's very pleasant. ~ Victor Hugo

Yeah, but if I don't start my nervous pacing now, I'll never have it all done in time. ~ Scott Lynch

W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he'd taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all.
"I'll be right back."
"Geologically speaking, of course," HARV said. ~ John Zakour

Maruman does not loll. ~ Isobelle Carmody

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me ~ Jon Ronson

Venice is a Dorian Gray city. Somewhere up there in the world's attic, there's another place with the haggard, poxed and ravaged face of unspeakable evil. And I suspect it's Cardiff. ~ A.A. Gill

I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet."
At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?"
"I just know. ~ Cassandra Clare

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter. ~ George Gissing