Gallows Humour Quotes

Found dead. A verdict as useful as a fucking Bible in the Bluegate Brothel. ~ Sarah Pinborough

No one gets out of this world alive...except astronauts. ~ Stewart Stafford

A professor from UBC observed that he agreed with Alexander Pope about the ultimate unreality of evil. Seen from the highest point of metaphysics. To a rational mind, nothing bad ever really happens. He was talking high-minded balls. Twaddle! I thought. I said, 'Oh? Do you mean that every gas chamber has a silver lining? ~ Saul Bellow

You mean that because I have no name I cannot die and that you cannot be held answerable for death even if you kill me?"
"That is about the size of it," said the Sergeant.
I felt so sad and so entirely disappointed that tears came into my eyes and a lump of incommunicable poignancy swelled tragically in my throat. I began to feel intensely every fragment of my equal humanity. The life that was bubbling at the end of my fingers was real and nearly painful in intensity and so was the beauty of my warm face and the loose humanity of my limbs and the racy health of my red rich blood. To leave it all without good reason and to smash the little empire into small fragments was a thing too pitiful even to refuse to think about. ~ Flann O'Brien

I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors - well, 100% of dead people don't! ~ Stewart Stafford

Fell?' he asked. 'Or was pushed?'

Anton shrugged again. 'It hardly makes a difference,' he said, 'when you are the man at the bottom of the stairs. ~ Michael Montoure

My God . . . that grinding is a greeting.
My arrival is honored with the honing of an axe ~ Simon Armitage

In the political jargon of those days, the word "intellectual" was an insult. It indicated someone who did not understand life and was cut off from the people. All the Communists who were hanged at the time by other Communists were awarded such abuse. Unlike those who had their feet solidly on the ground, they were said to float in the air. So it was fair, in a way, that as punishment the ground was permanently pulled out from under their feet, that they remained suspended a little above the floor. ~ Milan Kundera

She stopped and looked at him when she heard a low growl.
"You've kissed someone?"
Sally tried to hold back the snort of laughter that bubble out. "Of course. I'm eighteen, Costin. Only having kissed one guy by eighteen is pretty darn conservative."
"I don't want to know about this guy," Costin frowned. "He won't hold a candle to my kisses anyway. ~ Quinn Loftis

Ah, but surely you must now be saying, "waitaminute, tuna fish would go bad if you kept it in your pocket for weeks and weeks without refrigerating it."
To that I simply say: You obviously haven't read Professor P.S. Schackman's informative book How to Keep Tuna Fish in Your Pocket for Weeks and Weeks Without it Going Bad. I suggest you read it before complaining about the tuna situation again. ~ Jason Carter Eaton

All his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face. ~ Kingsley Amis

Though I thought there weren't any words any more, only fucking signifiers. And since texts have no objective univocal meaning, I feel sure that when I call you a bunch of moronic cunts you will be able to decode that sequence of sequential signifiers with the appropriate emancipated subjectivity. ~ Jonathan Lynn

He's all right. His hair is cute."
Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love."
"I'm not in love."
"'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."
" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank."
"Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"
" Will you simmer. I certainly am not. ~ MaryJanice Davidson

Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"
Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex."
"Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly.
(Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel) ~ Kenneth Oppel

Quite as agreeable was the arrival of a fresh supply of red-currant fool, and as this had been heralded a few minutes before by a loud pop from the butler's pantry, which looked on to the lawn, Miss Mapp began to waver in her belief that there was no champagne in it, particularly as it would not have suited the theory by which she accounted for the Major's unwonted good humour, and her suggestion that the pop they had all heard so clearly was the opening of a bottle of stone ginger-beer was not delivered with conviction. To make sure, however, she took one more sip of the new supply, and, irradiated with smiles, made a great concession.

"I believe I was wrong," she said. "There is something in it beyond yolk of egg and cream. Oh, there's Boon; he will tell us."

She made a seductive face at Boon, and beckoned to him.

"Boon, will you think it very inquisitive of me," she asked archly, "if I ask you whether you have put a teeny drop of champagne into this delicious red-currant fool?"

"A bottle and a half, Miss," said Boon morosely, "and half a pint of old brandy. Will you have some more, Miss?"

Miss Mapp curbed her indignation at this vulgar squandering of precious liquids, so characteristic of Poppits. She gave a shrill little laugh.

"Oh, no, thank you, Boon!" she said. "I mustn't have any more. Delicious, though."

Major Flint let Boon fill up his cup while he was not looking.

"And we owe th ~ E.F. Benson

Oh, good. Okay, I'd like to get more sleep before I have to figure out how we find a Sith Lord in Washington. ~ Gini Koch

His desire for this to be a joke was quickly replaced by a desire for whiskey. ~ A. Ashley Straker

You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?'
He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along. ~ Derek Landy

Here am I, sweating my brains out to introduce a really sensational incident into your dull and disreputable little police investigation, and you refuse to show a single spark of enthusiasm. ~ Dorothy L. Sayers

You're driving me NORMAL! ~ Jeff Lindsay

"Clever battle strategy often resembles madness. Knowing the difference … ah, well, the victors have the privilege of defining that, do they not?" - The Dowager Marchioness of Wallingham upon news of Napoleon's escape from Elba. ~ Elisa Braden

She's so the same and yet so the incomparable! ~ Pritam Banikk

Morning, noon & bloody night,
Seven sodding days a week,
I slave at filthy WORK, that might
Be done by any book-drunk freak.
This goes on until I kick the bucket.
FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT ~ Philip Larkin

There are no dirty words in this book, except for 'hell' and 'God', in case someone is fearing that an innocent child might see 1 ... Perhaps the only precept taught me by Grandfather Wills that I have honoured all my adult life is that profanity and obsceny entitle people who don't want unpleasant information to close their eyes and ears to you. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Laughter is an independent, tremendously important, and lurid emotion. ~ Wyndham Lewis

My comedy is for children from three to 93. You do need a slightly childish sense of humour and if you haven't got that, it's very sad. ~ Norman Wisdom

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being."
"It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy. ~ Howard Tayler

Time to tell the prince he rescued the wrong girl. ~ Katie McGarry

If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think. ~ Clarence Darrow

What is it, you ask?" Kali said, trying to cover her surprise with nonchalant words. "I haven't thought of a name yet. Got any ideas?"
"Shit," the pirate said, said of. The gag made elocution difficult.
"That wouldn't impress anyone at the patent office. ~ Lindsay Buroker

The official recruiting process for their posse began. Because Carlos, Narc, and Trevor each had high SQs, Heeb and Evan reasoned that adding the three to their group would raise the average SQ of each group member (much the way that colleges recruit individuals with higher test scores to increase the average test scores of their matriculated students). ~ Zack Love

In the midst of thinking we r having fun, doing wrong knowingly, we humans tend to loose more than what we had/have. We know the price but still we do it. How hard is it to just do the right thing so to loose nothing? ~ Henry Lali

Awake,chaos:we have napped. ~ E. E. Cummings

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty. ~ Terry Pratchett

It's vital to keep a sense of humour when the world seems to have suddenly become a very strange place. ~ Michael Grant

The philanthropist can never forget classes and callings. He says, with a modest swagger, 'I have invited twenty-five factory hands to tea.' If he said 'I have invited twenty-five chartered accountants to tea,' everyone would see the humour of so simple a classification. ~ G.K. Chesterton

Oh no?" he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. "Knowing what you're like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would've been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he'd taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else. ~ Tim O'Rourke

The idea that this end of philosophy - at least, of political philosophy and (I claim) moral philosophy - has close relations with history overlaps with a more ambitious view held by a consistently underestimated Oxford philosopher, R. G. Collingwood. The trouble with Collingwood's kind of commitment is that it requires one to know some history. My two associates in the view I am sketching are Alasdair MacIntyre and Charles Taylor. They are both Roman Catholics, though of different sorts. I used to find this a disquieting fact but no longer do so. All three of us, I could say, accept the significant role of Christianity in understanding modern moral consciousness, and adopt respectively the three possible views about how to move in relation to that: backward in it, forward in it, and out of it. In any case, we all assume some historical commitments, they on a more ambitious scale than I, and perhaps there is a rather nervous competition for who writes the most irresponsible history. ~ Bernard Williams

Hank, when people call people nerds mostly what they're saying is,'You like stuff'. ~ John Green

Resilience, thy name is Devine. ~ Lori Lansens

On the other hand, she was disproportionately indulgent towards the failings of men, and was often heard to say that these were natural. ~ George Eliot

She was emotionally retarded having no sense of humour, cold and no people skills. She was like her mother was obsessed by appearances and wealth and longed to get married to escape from home. ~ Annette J. Dunlea