Humor Heaven Quotes

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. ~ Oscar Wilde

Are there children out there?
Um, yes sir, they're all children.
Run a few down.
Sir?
Drive over a few of the little brats. That'll scare 'em off. ~ Derek Landy

Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross! ~ Jerry Coleman

You start on Monday with the idea implanted in your bosom that you are going to enjoy yourself. You wave an airy adieu to the boys on shore, light your biggest pipe, and swagger about the deck as if you were Captain Cook, Sir Francis Drake, and Christopher Columbus all rolled into one. On Tuesday, you wish you hadn't come. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, you wish you were dead. On Saturday, you are able to swallow a little beef tea, and to sit up on deck, and answer with a wan, sweet smile when kind-hearted people ask you how you feel now. On Sunday, you begin to walk about again, and take solid food. And on Monday morning, as, with your bag and umbrella in your hand, you stand by the gunwale, waiting to step ashore, you begin to thoroughly like it. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

( ... ) You cruel creature, little mite of a thing with a heart the size of a fullstop. ~ James Joyce

I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."
"What! How long has it been?"
"Five minutes. I got bored. ~ Jonathan Stroud

Just because you kill people doesn't mean your feet should. ~ Rick Riordan

I can talk for a long time only when it's about something boring. ~ Lydia Davis

Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?' said Zacharias Smith.
'Here's an idea,' said Ron loudly, 'why don't you shut your mouth?'
'Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it,' he said.
'That's not what he said,' said Fred Weasley.
'Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?' inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
'Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this,' said Fred. ~ J.K. Rowling

Doona worry, I'll take care of you." He grasped her hand in his. "You're going to be all right."
Chloe's gaze drifted to Loa. "That a snake?"
Loa said, "She keeps death away."
Chloe blinked those big eyes up at him and whispered, "Wish that was the weirdest thing ... I've heard tonight. ~ Kresley Cole

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. ~ Chelsea Handler

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage? ~ Ilona Andrews

I hate it when realism intrudes on my dreams. ~ Danielle Ackley-McPhail

Sometimes after an enjoyable family home evening, during a fervent family prayer, or when our entire family is at the dinner table on Sunday evening eating waffles and engaging in a session of lively, good-matured conversation, I quietly say to myself, 'If heaven is nothing more than this, it will be good enough for me!' ~ Marlin K. Jensen

After his first training session in heaven, George Best, from the favourite right wing, turned the head of God who was filling in at left back. I would love him to save me a place in his team, George Best that is, not God. ~ Eric Cantona

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, "I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!"
Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, "My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow ... "
"Is that so?" said Preston cheerfully.
"Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig! ~ Terry Pratchett

You know, every bad guy was once good until he crossed a line. I don't think they come out of the womb being assholes. ~ Laurann Dohner

In both Surfing the Himalayas and Snowboarding to Nirvana, I have tried to transmit as best I could the spirit of humor, and the sense of humor of the monks I have encountered. ~ Frederick Lenz

And it is the way with us that you may express disapproval of the sun or the moon, or anything you like, but God preserve you from touching the Liberals! Heaven forbid! ~ Anton Chekhov

If I'd ever taken the time to wonder about my soul being as black as this town seemed to believe, I knew the moment Ashton stepped out of her little white Jetta looking like an angel from Heaven that my soul was damned to Hell. ~ Abbi Glines

I'm sorry, Mr. Whiteleaf. I'm not going to let a monster eat me for minimum wage. ~ A. Lee Martinez

It's sarcasm, Josh."

"Sarcasm?"

"It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it."

"Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing."

"There you go, you got it."

"Got what?"

"Sarcasm."

"No, I meant it."

"Sure you did."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Irony, I think."

"What's the difference?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So you're being ironic now, right?"

"No, I really don't know."

"Maybe you should ask the idiot."

"Now you've got it."

"What?"

"Sarcasm. ~ Christopher Moore

My fellow, you strike me at present as being situated in the moon, kingdom of dream, province of illusion, capital: Soap-Bubble. ~ Victor Hugo

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Humans get used to even if they are in the hell. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

As Sean seem determined to shadow her every move, she concluded that young boys were much like cats. They insisted on giving their company to those who most feared or distrusted them. ~ J.D. Robb

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. ~ Chelsea Handler

Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is. ~ N.L. Gervasio

And, Momma, if there is a separate heaven for gay people," Danny continued with a smile, "well, you'll just have to come visit." He raised his mother's chin gently with the side of his index finger, forcing her to look at him. "I hear it's on a rainbow, not a cloud, so at least you'll get some color. ~ Greg Hogben

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging. ~ Heather Blanton

Gareth sucked in a breath. Hyacinth's brother wasn't going to make this easy on him. But that didn't matter. He had vowed to do this right, and he would not be cowed.

He looked up, meeting the viscount's dark eyes with steady purpose. "I would like to marry Hyacinth," he said. And then, because the viscount did not say anything, because he didn't even move, Gareth added, "Er, if she'll have me."

And then about eight things happened at once. Or perhaps there were merely two or three, and it just seemed like eight, because it was all so unexpected.

First, the viscount exhaled, although that did seem to understate the case. It was more of a sigh, actually - a huge, tired, heartfelt sigh that made the man positively deflate in front of Gareth. Which was astonishing. Gareth had seen the viscount on many occasions and was quite familiar with his reputation. This was not a man who sagged or groaned.

His lips seemed to move through the whole thing, too, and if Gareth were a more suspicious man, he would have thought that the viscount had said, "Thank you, Lord."

Combined with the heavenward tilt of the viscount's eyes, it did seem the most likely translation.

And then, just as Gareth was taking all of this in, Lord Bridgerton let the palms of his hands fall against the desk with surprising force, and he looked Gareth squarely in the eye as he said, "Oh, she'll have you. She will definitely have you."

It wasn ~ Julia Quinn

He who the sword of heaven will bear
Should be as holy as severe;
Pattern in himself to know,
Grace to stand, and virtue go;
More nor less to others paying
Than by self-offences weighing.
Shame to him whose cruel striking
Kills for faults of his own liking!
Twice treble shame on Angelo,
To weed my vice and let his grow!
O, what may man within him hide,
Though angel on the outward side!
How may likeness made in crimes,
Making practise on the times,
To draw with idle spiders' strings
Most ponderous and substantial things!
Craft against vice I must apply:
With Angelo to-night shall lie
His old betrothed but despised;
So disguise shall, by the disguised,
Pay with falsehood false exacting,
And perform an old contracting. ~ William Shakespeare

Thank goodness we don'y meet many people like [Miss Trunchbull] in this world, although they do exist and all of us are likely to come across at least one of them in a lifetime. If you ever do, you should behave as you would if you met an enraged rhinoceros out in the bush
climb up the nearest tree and stay there until it has gone away. ~ Roald Dahl

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm! ~ Lemony Snicket

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

You and I are part of the colony of heaven. Right now, we may reside here on earth, but our passport indicates that our citizenship is in heaven. We are on the earth, but not of the earth. ~ Allen R. Hunt

You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate. ~ George W. Bush

Lord, give me a sense of humor so that I may take some happiness from this life and share it with others. ~ Thomas More

It's impossible to get worse at something you do every day. ~ Brad Guigar

You made the right choice," Roden whispered. "Though you did choose his name rather quickly.
"He has a skinny neck. He'd have died faster." (Jaron)
"That's why you chose me? Because it'll take me longer to die?"
"Yes, Roden, that's exactly why."
"Enough bickering!" (Vargan) ~ Jennifer A. Nielsen

Myles P. doesn't resist, he sinks down and down, letting the sound of Willard's lisp close over him light as a foaming wave and he drifts gently down, without a gurgle, past the floating beds of giant kelp and the abalone-eating otters, the unschooled senoritas and egg-filled cabezon, he thinks he might touch his toes to the bottom when he gets there and wonders if it will be mud or just more cement.

'Meaning other animals, shoot, soon as the young's able to hunt or run, mother takes off and dad's eyeing the offsprung for dinner. But we can't let ours be, colic to college, we're constantly wiping their little booger'd noses, dolling out free dough and freer advice, thinking they'll powder our own asses later in the home. But a baby's just a for-instance, fact is, others never tender the way you do. Species'd peter, rent'd come due.' Willard goes to Hiro, 'The punchline, my friend, is giving without wanting's the trick once you've managed that, you've partly pierced heaven a bunghole, but it's a pure penniless instigation that you ain't got 'n ain't gonna get got, 'n ain't gonna get it, not on no roadfuckingtrip.'

'Meaning?' says Hiro

'Meaning love's all true. ~ Vanessa Place

Blue thinks of this now as he makes his way across the river, watching black ahead of him and remembering his father and his boyhood out in Gravesend. The old man was a copy, later a detective at the 77th precinct, and life would have been good, Blue thinks, except for the bullet that went through his father's brain in 1927. Twenty years ago, he says to himself, suddenly appalled by the time that has past, wondering if there is a heaven, and if so whether or not he will get to see his father after he dies. ~ Paul Auster

Now there are some, and I don't just mean Communists like you, but thinking men of all political parties, who think that not many of these gods actually exist. Some believe that none of them exist. There's just us and an ocean of darkness around us. I'm no philosopher or poet, how would I know the truth? It's true that all these gods seem to do awfully little work - much like our politicians - and yet keep winning reelection to their golden thrones in heaven, year after year. That's not to say I don't respect them, Mr. Premier! Don't you ever let that blasphemous idea into your yellow skull. My country is the kind where it pays to play it both ways: the Indian entrepreneur has to be straight and crooked, mocking and believing, sly and sincere, at the same time. ~ Aravind Adiga