Humor Chocolate Quotes

Whether it's chocolate or socks, the rule is the same; the darker the better. ~ Pseudonymous Bosch

I don't think it's gonna work ~ Chocolate Baker

Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me. ~ Audrey Hepburn

(Golden Globe acceptance speech in the style of Jane Austen's letters):

"Four A.M. Having just returned from an evening at the Golden Spheres, which despite the inconveniences of heat, noise and overcrowding, was not without its pleasures. Thankfully, there were no dogs and no children. The gowns were middling. There was a good deal of shouting and behavior verging on the profligate, however, people were very free with their compliments and I made several new acquaintances. Miss Lindsay Doran, of Mirage, wherever that might be, who is largely responsible for my presence here, an enchanting companion about whom too much good cannot be said. Mr. Ang Lee, of foreign extraction, who most unexpectedly apppeared to understand me better than I undersand myself. Mr. James Schamus, a copiously erudite gentleman, and Miss Kate Winslet, beautiful in both countenance and spirit. Mr. Pat Doyle, a composer and a Scot, who displayed the kind of wild behavior one has lernt to expect from that race. Mr. Mark Canton, an energetic person with a ready smile who, as I understand it, owes me a vast deal of money. Miss Lisa Henson -- a lovely girl, and Mr. Gareth Wigan -- a lovely boy. I attempted to converse with Mr. Sydney Pollack, but his charms and wisdom are so generally pleasing that it proved impossible to get within ten feet of him. The room was full of interesting activitiy until eleven P.M. when it emptied rather suddenly. The lateness of the hour is due therefore not to the da ~ Emma Thompson

I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties. ~ Ronald Reagan

Want to talk about Shakespeare's sonnets?" asked Orphu of Io.
Are you shitting me?" The moravecs loved the ancient human colloquial phrases, the more scatological the better.
Yes," said Orphu. "I am most definitely shitting you, my friend. ~ Dan Simmons

I want to see the king," I said, after explaining who I was.
"Wonderful," said the ancient Nkumai who sat on a cushion near the corner pole of the house. "I'm glad for you."
That was all, and apparently he meant to say no more. "Why are you so glad?" I asked.
"Because it's good for every human being to have an unfulfilled wish. It makes all of life so poignant. ~ Orson Scott Card

I like the brooding man - a brooding man with a sense of humor. ~ Maira Kalman

You'd think that would have been forgotten long ago. But no, no sooner has a little grass grown over it than some clumsy camel comes along and rakes it all up again."
Caroline giggled. She was probably imagining Aunt Glenda as a camel.
"This is not a TV series, Maddy," said Lady Arista sharply.
"Thank goodness, no, it isn't," said Great-aunt Maddy. "If it were, I'd have lost track of the plot ages ago. ~ Kerstin Gier

Because it's a lit fuse, love – you light it yourself, and you stand around the powder keg afterward, grinning from ear to ear. ~ Daniel Polansky

Graduation Speech: I'd like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste. ~ Steve Weinburg

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. ~ Stephen Colbert

And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is ~ Larry Wall

Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. "Lord Varys," he said from the saddle, "sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King's Landing and sometimes I feel you are my worst enemy."
"How odd. I think quite the same of you. ~ George R R Martin

You know why doctors slap babies on the bottom when they're born? So the dicks fall off the smart ones."
He laughed. "You know why women don't have dicks? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. ~ Barbara Elsborg

Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you ... " He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
"Ask me ... ?" Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where'd that last one come from? ~ Diana Rowland

Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever. ~ Beatrice Fairfax

You could at least complain," I say. "I adore complaining. It calms the nerves. ~ Franny Billingsley

What would you say if I tortured you?" asked the bandit leader conversationally.
Halla blinked at him. "Err, 'Ow,' probably. 'Stop, Stop, Stop,' something like that?" *What a bizarre question. What does he expect me to say?* ~ T. Kingfisher

I walk home by myself all the time , " Regan snapped at him
"That's different " Levi smiled at her warmly "You don't rock that Little Red Riding Hood vibe. You're scary ~ Rainbow Rowell

It is of course perfectly natural to assume that everyone else is having a far more exciting time than you. Human beings, for instance, have a phrase that describes this phenomenon, 'The other man's grass is always greener.'
The Shaltanac race of Broopkidren 13 had a similar phrase, but since their planet is somewhat eccentric, botanically speaking, the best they could manage was, 'The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauvy shade of pinky-russet.' And so the expression soon fell into disuse, and the Shaltanacs had little option but to become terribly happy and contented with their lot, much to the surprise of everyone else in the Galaxy who had not realized that the best way not to be unhappy is not to have a word for it. ~ Douglas Adams

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it. ~ G.K. Chesterton

I was grinding away to the climactic moan backtrack when I caught my reflection in the club's mirror, hips rotating, booty shaking. Years later, Grace described my smooth moves as a sad epileptic white girl's imitation of a twerk. Harsh. Could anyone look sexy dancing to lyrics that include "Sucky, sucky. Me sucky, sucky"? I don't think so. ~ Leah Marie Brown

I'm half italian"
"Which half" asked Tessa
"From the waist down ~ Pamela Clare

There are essentially three types of people: those who love life more than they fear it, those who fear life more than they love it, and those who have no clue what I'm talking about. ~ Neel Burton

I think there is some methodology in my travels. ~ George W. Bush

I've heard of such a legend!' I gasped. 'A child descended from a union between Christ and Mary Magdalene!'
'Don't be so fucking stupid,' snorted Mons. 'There's hundreds of those! ~ Mark Gatiss

I'm worried that the lady's going to be a hooker - and you're afraid she's BETTY CROCKER!

Molly Jane Fletcher ~ Jean Davies Okimoto

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. ~ David Mamet

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument ... and the occasional bar fight. ~ J. Michael Straczynski

Nobody likes a bore on a soapbox. Humor is always the best defense and weapon. If you can make an idiot laugh, they'll at least pause and listen before they do something stupid . . . to you. ~ John Waters

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives. ~ Greg Gutfeld

"And I stole some oxen jerky out of Bercelak's bag. He makes the best oxen jerky."
"Bercelak the Vengeful cooks?"
"Aye. And he's surprisingly good at it, too! ~ G.A. Aiken

Try not to wake up on fire. ~ Eugene Mirman

Vampirism is not a contagious disease. ~ Alex Taylor

You have spoken and we have listened, but no, Ms. Theron,it isn't appropriate for us to ask Nathan to take his shirt off. That isn't what we had in mind when we started asking for input. ~ Kirt J. Boyd

Are you okay? You seem ... soggy."
"Soggy?"
"Yes." Heather nodded. "Like you're a depressed spaghetti noodle or something. ~ Chelsea Fine

Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you."
"I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!"
"Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys. ~ Janet Evanovich

I know when people think of New York, they think of theater, restaurants, cultural landmarks and shopping," I told him. "But beyond the iconic skyline and the news from Wall Street, New York is a collection of villages. In our neighborhoods, we attend school, play Kick the Can, handball and ride our bikes. I grew up knowing the names and faces of the baker, the shoe repair family, the Knish man and the Good Humor man who sold me and the other kids in my neighborhood half a popsicle for a nickel. My father took me to the playground where he pushed me on the swing, helped balance me on the seesaw and watched as I hung upside down by my feet on the monkey bars. Yes," I told the interviewer, "people actually grow up in New York. ~ Gina Greenlee

This was because she knew few words and believed in none, and in the world she was rather silent, contributing just her share of urbane humor with a precision that approached meagreness. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

He feared what getting involved with her might mean, but he wanted this deal involving chocolate and would risk lying with something not entirely female to get it. ~ M. Pax

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying. - Warren ~ Brandon Mull

Eternal life is great if you have the clothes for it. ~ Woody Allen

sarcasm is the ability to insult an idiot without realizing it ~ Jhon Green

Your basic-type jailhouse tatt is homemade with sewing needles from the jailhouse canteen and some blue ink from the cartridge of a fountain pen promoted from the breast pocket of an unaltert public defender, is why the jailhouse genre is always the same night-sky blue. The needle is dipped in the ink and jabbed as deep into the tattooee as it can be jabbed without making him recoil and fucking up your aim. Just a plain ultraminimal blue square like Gately's got on his right wrist takes half a day and hundreds of individual jabs. How come the lines are never quite straight and the color's never quite all the way solid is it's impossible to get all the individualized punctures down to the same uniform deepness in the, like, twitching flesh. This is why jailhouse tatts always look like they were done by sadistic children on rainy afternoons. ~ David Foster Wallace

Kissing Jack was dangerous, like drowning in something that tasted good. He was like the artery-clogging chocolate cake she couldn't resist, heaven in her mouth but hell on her heart. ~ Amanda Usen

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance. ~ Lois Greiman

You claim to like the mayhem, the chaos of it all, but it's a cover. The truth is that you'd rather burn the world than face it. ~ Adam J. Brunner