Geek Humor Quotes

Rhiannon Anna Maria Reyes, (Strength 10, Dexterity 14, Stamina 12, Will 17, IQ 16 and Charisma 15 -- Geek 7 / Barista 3 / Screenwriter 2 / Gamer Girl 2) was Bryan's secret weapon. Rhiannon (known to practically everyone as "Ree") kept the café in fabulous baked goods, talked authoritatively about subjects from Aliens to Zork, and drew the attentions of countless lovelorn geeks. ~ Michael R. Underwood

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting. ~ Sorin Suciu

And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is ~ Larry Wall

No one messes around with a nerd's computer and escapes unscathed. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Wham. She glommed onto him like white plastic on a Stormtrooper, shamelessly pressing against his body, groping and kissing. ~ Angela Quarles

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome. ~ John Green

There are many ways to define what it means to be a geek, but certainly one definition has to be, Someone who does something normal people do, only while wearing special pants and talking about it constantly. ~ BikeSnobNYC

Simon did not solve problems, he just shamed them into going away. ~ Sorin Suciu

Her assignment had been to write a simple Sumerian code for preserving a jar of pickled eggs. (To the programming-inclined reader, this is the magical equivalent of "HELLO WORLD.") ~ Sorin Suciu

Alan shrugged. "I love the CBC, really, but being voted its president - " "Co-president," Sputnik corrected. " - is kind of like being declared King of Nerds." "Co-king," Sputnik asserted. ~ J.M. Richards

Master Dung's study was silent. So silent, in fact, that one might have been able to hear a gnat passing air, if only an obligingly flatulent gnat had happened nearby. ~ Sorin Suciu

Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy. ~ Christopher Moore

The conversation had been so lacking in quality that it actually made Toddlers and Tiaras look like good entertainment by comparison. ~ Sorin Suciu

You learned a lot by playing RPGs, although not all of it was useful, or real for that matter – unless you really believed that wolves normally carry seven gold pieces, a flawed garnet, a scroll of ice storm, and a lock pick somewhere about their person. ~ Sorin Suciu

Dear Lynda Carter, Please be with me in my hour of need. Especially if I don't have to twirl around to get my powers. ~ Michael R. Underwood

Anyway, the point is that you guys really need to get out more. ~ Hitori Nakano

The more attractive and athletic the character depicted on the T-shirt, the less attractive and athletic the fan wearing it ~ Nev Fountain

For most people, home we represented by four walls and a roof. Not for Noa. She preferred a motherboard to a mother, a keyboard to house keys. Nothing was more comforting than the hum of a spinning hard drive. ~ Michelle Gagnon

I left the Shire,
got 7 outstanding N.E.W.T.'s
and became a Vampire;
Because Winter is Coming... ~ Various

He was a good storyteller, but he told the kind of stories that made children run away from the village and adults look for a length of rope and some soap. ~ Sorin Suciu

Geek e-mail sign-off: No trees were killed to send this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced. ~ Neil DeGrasse Tyson

As far as I could tell, the quickest way to a geeky guy's heart usually involved geometric shapes. ~ Angela N. Blount

He didn't know what was hotter, her Star Wars reference or the breathiness with which she spoke it. ~ Kelly Moran

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate's clothes, but it didn't make me Kate. ~ Sharon Sant

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser. ~ Michael R. Underwood

That Hellboy gun of Yours? It's not scientifically possible. It flaunts the laws of physics like a teenager on Rumspringa... ~ Michael R. Underwood

Boyfriend huh? I didn't realize we had taken things to that level."
"Oh, I'm sorry
this is my first undercover operation," Jordan said. "I'm a little unclear about the rules. Are we seeing other people in this fake relationship? ~ Julie James

In the meantime, how about us doing some more sister things together?"
Alys snorted. "Like what?"
Oh, I don't know. Slay a few monsters, outwit a few magicians, drain a few Chaotic Zones, negotiate a few treaties ... "
And after lunch?"
Janie returned the wry grin sweetly. "I'll let you know."
The hero and the sorceress walked back up the path arm in arm. ~ L.J.Smith

Waldo, I say-that is-aren't you tired, my boy?" Professor Buckley, suppressing a yawn, was unaccustomed to others matching his wakefulness wink for wink, as it were, and seemed jealous of the competition Waldo presented in that regard.
"Who can sleep?" Waldo replied. "We're on another of these crazy roads, we can't find the interstate...."
"Yes, I suppose you're right." The Professor interrupted, taking off his thick spectacles and polishing them on his bright tie. "I, on the other hand, never sleep, as I'm sure you're aware."
Waldo smiled. The Professor had little in life to be vain about, and he wasn't going to stop him from expressing a little pride now and then. ~ Donald Jeffries

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot. ~ Salvador Dali

At some point Ewan had taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. His forearms were bulging with muscle, and his shoulders appeared likely to rip through the thin linen of his shirt. Annabelle swallowed, thinking of Ewan without his shirt at their picnic. He wasn't even breathing hard.
"Where do you get all these muscles?" she asked.
"Lifting damsels in distress." He grinned at her, and there was a slight lurch as he leaped off the carriage and landed with a splash in the ditch. ~ Eloisa James

I'm tired again, I've tried again, and now my heart is full.
And I just can't explain ... so I won't even try to. ~ Morrissey

For a second, I wanted very badly to know a spell that would let me melt through the floor in a quivering puddle of please-don't-kill-me. ~ Jim Butcher

Jesus Christ in a cockwagon. ~ Jesse Andrews

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant ~ Henry Miller

I steal from the rich to give to myself. ~ Robert Thier

I used to have pink hair," I told Seven.
"I used to have a real job," he answered.
"What happened?"
He shrugged. "I dyed my hair pink. What happened to you? ~ Jodi Picoult

Surviving dangerous times require a sense of humor. ~ Robert Ferrigno

Don't even think about it."
"Well, when can I walk by myself?"
"When you get your driver's license."
"You always, always say that." Dillie scowled at him. "That's when everything happens."
"It's going to be a busy day," Phin agreed. ~ Jennifer Crusie

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again. ~ Steve Martin

How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there? ~ Pat Frank

Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored. ~ Eoin Colfer

Phillip has enough to worry about. He doesn't have time to have his heart broken by my man-eating twin," Piper teased.
Reese faked a hurt look as she said, "Hey, I make sure they're satisfied before I feed! ~ Toni Aleo

Science is a satisfactory curiosity. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

What the hell is this? The attack of the Planet of the Apes? ~ Jason Medina

If Shane had learned one thing, it was to never tamper with a firecracker during an explosion. That stood double when applied to women – especially when you were the idiot who'd lit the fuse. ~ Kimberly Krey

Well, sir, if I could grow apples like that, I would call myself a gardener. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean. ~ Jeff Ross

The big ballpark can do it all! ~ Jerry Coleman

Humor tells you where the trouble is. ~ Louise Bernikow

I climbed into Misery and called Uncle Bob. "We hooking up?"
"Why does everything out of your mouth make me sound incestuous?"
"Um, I wasn't aware that it did. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience."
"Charley."
"Is there something you need to get off your chest? Besides that skank I saw you with the other day? ~ Darynda Jones

I forget sometimes I need to eat and drink now. ~ Cassandra Clare

Brother, when beauty falls into your hand, you hold on to it while you can. You could be dead tomorrow.
Well, that's... inspiring. ~ Nora Roberts

I am Jack's broken heart. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

I'll give you a cake if you get him in the stream by the end of the afternoon,' Mori said to Six.

'Hold on,' Thaniel said. 'No making criminals of the orphans, Fagin.'

'But I want some cake,' Six frowned. 'And his name isn't Fagin. ~ Natasha Pulley

I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."
"That the only thing you're in love with?"
"Nope. Your mattress, too."
Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

You're cool Joe she told him, her voice weighty, as if she was bestowing a grave honor on him even though a blind person could sense his utter coolness. ~ Kristen Ashley

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park ... and is obviously more expensive than mine. ~ Patrick Bateman

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn't purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that old flames never die, not completely. They smolder for years in hidden places. They flare up again just when you think you're over them. They can burn you if you don't deal with them. Such is the price I've had to pay for not rooting out the evidence of my life B.C. (Before Contentment). Or, perhaps, for having planted it too well.
But that, you see, is no longer an issue. Shall I tell you the crux of this argument? A man with a past can be forgiven. A man without one cannot be trusted. If there were no pictures in my drawer for Kirsty to uncover, I would have had to produce some. ~ Ted Gargiulo

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve ~ Lucian Bane

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. ~ George Carlin

Even funnier, the guy at the front desk thinks I am either a hooker or having an affair with a married man. He was more than discrete."
"I would have guessed affair," I joked. ~ Andrea Heltsley

Nicely, thank you, Mr. Laurence. But I am not Miss March, I'm only Jo," returned the young lady.
"I'm not Mr. Laurence, I'm only Laurie."
"Laurie Laurence, what an odd name."
"My first name is Theodore, but I don't like it, for the fellows called me Dora, so I made them say Laurie instead."
"I hate my name, too, so sentimental! I wish every one would say Jo instead of Josephine. How did you make the boys stop calling you Dora?"
"I thrashed 'em."
"I can't thrash Aunt March, so I suppose I shall have to bear it." And Jo resigned herself with a sigh ~ Louisa May Alcott

Hell's bells, irony blows. ~ Jim Butcher

I'll do anything to be good for you, Tate."
"Anything, baby," I promised.
"Anything?" she laughed out, her eyes bright with happiness and love.
"Have you ever considered a nipple piercing? ~ Penelope Douglas

I believe in the unity of all living things. God is in us and in all that exists."

"So, when you eat a carrot, aren't you eating God? ~ Jerry B. Jenkins

IDEA .. if your bored and you miss me you should write some dirty fan fiction about us. you can read it to me later. great idea right? ~ Rainbow Rowell

I haven't told why I wrote the book, but I haven't told you why I sneeze, either. A book is a sneeze. ~ E.B. White

Nekhbet shrieked in alarm. I turned to see what was going on. Immediately, I wished I could burn my eyes out of my head.

Liz made a gagging sound. "Lord, no! That's wrong!"

"Agh!" Emma shouted, in perfect baboon-speak. "Make him stop!"

Bes had indeed put on his ugly outfit.He climbed onto the roof of the limo and stood there, legs planted, arms akimbo, like Superman- except with only the underwear. For those faint of heart I wont go into detail, but Bes, all of a meter tall, was showing off his disgusting physique- his potbelly, hairy limbs, awful feet, gross flabby bits- and wearing only a blue Speedo. Imagine the worst looking person you've ever seen on a public beach- the person for whom swimwear should be illegal. Bes looked worse than that.

I wasn't sure what to say except: "Put some clothes on!"

Bes laughed= the sort of guffaw that says Ha-ha! I'm amazing!
"Not until they leave," he said. "Or I'll be forced to scare them back to the Duat."

"This is not your affair, dwarf god!" Nekhbet snarled, averting her eyes from his horribleness. "Go away!"

"These children are under my protection," Bes insisted

"I don't know you," I said. "I never met you before today."

"Nonsense. You expressly asked for my protection."

"I didn't ask for the Speedo Patrol!"

Bes leaped off the limo and landed in front of my circle placing himself between Babi and me. The dwa ~ Rick Riordan

Jane's stories are too sensible. Then Diana puts too much murders into hers. She says most of the time she doesn't know what to do with the people so she kills them off to get rid of them.
-Anne Shirley ~ L.M. Montgomery

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need to get my martial arts skills up to par to deal with this lunatic. I knew that I would also need to pick up a copy of Kill Bill at my next convenience and take notes as I watched, just in case a fight happened to break out in the kitchen. Also, at night, I had decided that I would need to sleep with either a small pistol or a flamboyant hunting knife under my pillow for a quick grab, in case he skipped his meds one night and decided to kill me. I needed to be prepared for the unthinkable. ~ Chase Brooks

And there I was, 225 pounds, perpetually lost and confused, short legs, ape-like upper body, all chest, no neck, head too large, blurred eyes, hair uncombed, 6 feet of geek, waiting for her. ~ Charles Bukowski

Jean smirked and raised an eyebrow at Leor. "Would you like to fly through the Louvre?"
Leor couldn't perceive how that would even be possible. But Jean would inevitably find a way. "No, no!" Leor ardently replied. "Let's just land there and take a walk. Look at some statues, get some air."
"Ah, but do we not have plenty of air, flowing around up here in the skies?" Jean asked, diving down towards the Seine, and then sharply pulling up along one of the slopes.
"Would you like me to vomit again?" Leor asked, with a hand near his mouth. ~ Zechariah Barrett

Irri and Jhiqui argued about Rakharo. "You are too skinny for him," Jhiqui was saying. "You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri bristled back. "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows. ~ George R R Martin

There is one thing I like about the Poles - their language. Polish, when it is spoken by intelligent people, puts me in ecstasy. The sound of the language evokes strange images in which there is always a greensward of fine spiked grass in which hornets and snakes play a great part. I remember days long back when Stanley would invite me to visit his relatives; he used to make me carry a roll of music because he wanted to show me off to these rich relatives. I remember this atmosphere well because in the presence of these smooth−tongued, overly polite, pretentious and thoroughly false Poles I always felt miserably uncomfortable. But when they spoke to one another, sometimes in French, sometimes in Polish, I sat back and watched them fascinatedly. They made strange Polish grimaces, altogether unlike our relatives who were stupid barbarians at bottom. The Poles were like standing snakes fitted up with collars of hornets. I never knew what they were talking about but it always seemed to me as if they were politely assassinating some one. They were all fitted up with sabres and broad−swords which they held in their teeth or brandished fiercely in a thundering charge. They never swerved from the path but rode rough−shod over women and children, spiking them with long pikes beribboned with blood−red pennants. All this, of course, in the drawing−room over a glass of strong tea, the men in butter−colored gloves, the women dangling their silly lorgnettes. The women were always ravishing ~ Henry Miller