Humor Cleverness Quotes

I have never been to a court s gracious as the one Neha keeps. Dmitri played a knife through his fingers, one of the three he'd brought back from Neha's territory. "She truly believes in giving honor to a visitor." He threw to knife at Jason.
"He threw it back as Venom added, "Thought she might have that guest neatly executed as the court sleeps. ~ Nalini Singh

I could give you children," said Jack, sounding faintly affronted. "You'd have to tell me how many heads you wanted them to have, and what species you'd like them to be, but what's the point of having all these graveyards if I can't give you children when you ask for them? ~ Seanan McGuire

Right. So in order to become lifelong thinkers, all we have to do is stop thinking for ourselves for the next three years. I'm feeling better and better about this place by the minute. ~ Jordan Sonnenblick

In life they're not going to serve you lemons, they're going to serve you lemonade; and I don't really like lemonade because I've got a really bad acid reflux. ~ Felicia Day

I didn't approve of murder on general principles. Not even of people who seemed to go around begging for it. ~ Josh Lanyon

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?"
"Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean. ~ Isaac Asimov

Fuckhead:
The name's MariKETA.
Go to hell,
The WITCH, doing a creepy spell somewhere right now. ~ Kresley Cole

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Once outside, the detectives advanced up an escalator and to a floor with two elevators. One was labeled for the staff, and the other for guests. In the corner was a plain grey door which led up a staircase.
"Monsieur Leor ... " Jean began. "Are you up for a challenge?"
"You want to run up the staircase." Leor concluded, plainly. "Like schoolboys?"
"Ouais, monsieur," Jean replied, with a silly grin. "You can consider it your preliminary training, if that helps your dignity. ~ Zechariah Barrett

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell. ~ Beverly Cleary

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~ George Best

Guys see boobs coupled with a great sense of humor and think they've found the holy fucking grail. ~ Colleen Hoover

Well, you finally got me, Helen had whispered to him, tearfully, but Garp had sprawled there, on his back on the wrestling mat, wondering who had gotten whom. ~ John Irving

She did not especially appreciate children either, but could be kind to them when they were silent. ~ Gordon Dahlquist

Justice shall be mixed with mercy. You shall not always be an Ass. ~ C.S. Lewis

New York ... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. ~ David Letterman

...they realized it would be impossible to comb the whole infested area in this way and they would have to split up. This was most easily done, obviously, by separating... ~ Stanisław Lem

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. ~ Bill Bailey

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper. ~ Georgia Saratsioti

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did. ~ Michael Summers

I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through. ~ Derek Landy

Writing poetry's,' I looked around the solarium, but Madame Crommelynck's got a tractor beam, 'sort of . . . gay.'
'"Gay"? A merry activity?'
This was hopeless. 'Writing poems is . . . what creeps and poofters do.'
'So are you one of these „creeps"?
'No.'
'Then you are a „pooof-ter", whatever one is?'
'No!'
'Then your logic is eluding me. ~ David Mitchell

My point is, I would never hurt you or your family."
I raised my chin at him. "If you tried to hurt my mother, I would totally kick your ass."
"Aha."
"Yes. You would be lying on the ground, crying, 'No more, no more,' and I would be kicking you in the stomach, wham, wham, wham!"
He laughed softly. ~ Ilona Andrews

I want to commit suicide but am afraid someone will think I am crazy. ~ Carl White

When I hear that people live by the book, I always wonder which one. ~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting ~ Dan Krokos

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda ~ Steven Wright

A half-blood of the eldest dogs ... "
"Er, Percy?" Annabeth interrupted. "That's gods. Not dogs. ~ Rick Riordan

Every law is an infraction of liberty. ~ Jeremy Bentham

I was that weird kid that checked out all of the non-fiction paranormal studies books from the library. I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, particularly movies and TV shows that manage to blend humor with the horror - 'Supernatural', 'Buffy', 'Angel.' ~ Molly Harper

See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:

(a) «Those trousers make your backside look fat.»

(b) «You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you.»

Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something. ~ Mil Millington

I've fallen in love with you and it pisses me off. ~ Michelle Gable

Humor is a kind of emotional chaos told about calmly and quietly in retrospect.There is always a laugh in the utterly familiar. ~ Max Eastman

A brief hush fell over the table when the guy from the bar approached. After he finished depositing their drinks in the center of the table, Lynn jumped on the opportunity to flirt, winking and smiling prettily at him. "Thanks, cowboy."
"Cowboy?" Reaching for her appletini, Piper laughed.
Lynn shrugged. "When I picture him in my bed, I see a Stetson and a saddle."
Something well-known among their group, ever since she watched John Travolta in Urban Cowboy, she was on a mission to secure herself her very own cowboy.
"I bet you see a branding iron too," Jules snickered.
Lynn's thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks. ~ J.C. Valentine

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What mental hospital have you escaped from?" She wanted to laugh, but he looked so serious. "Prove you're an alien. Rip off your disguise. Show me your antennae. Where's your union card? ~ Cheryl Sterling

Diplomacy is a disguised war, in which states seek to gain by barter and intrigue, by the cleverness of arts, the objectives which they would have to gain more clumsily by means of war. ~ Randolph Bourne

Why Is It That When You Wash Two Socks You Only End Up With One? Is There Life After Death? and Where Did The Other Sock Go? ~ Margaret Weis