Groucho Quotes

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week. ~ Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. ~ Groucho Marx

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now ~ Groucho Marx

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. ~ Groucho Marx

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world. ~ Groucho Marx

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now. ~ Groucho Marx

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. ~ Groucho Marx

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know. ~ Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again. ~ Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table.
"There goes George," observed an onlooker. "When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad."
"That's the way-it-goes," nodded Elly Kleinman. "Time wounds all heels. ~ Groucho Marx

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing ... ~ Groucho Marx

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life ~ Groucho Marx

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise. ~ Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men
the other 999 follow women. ~ Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast. ~ Groucho Marx

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast. ~ Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. ~ Groucho Marx

I know what's wrong with Laura. What's wrong with Laura is that I'll never see her for the first or second or third time again. I'll never spend two or three days in a sweat trying to remember what she looks like, never again will I get to a pub half an hour early to meet her, staring at the same article in a magazine and looking at my watch every thirty seconds, never again will thinking about her set something off in me like 'Let's Get It On' sets something off in me. And sure, I love her and like her and have good conversations, nice sex and intense rows with her, and she looks after me and worries about me and arranges the Groucho for me, but what does all that count for, when someone with bare arms, a nice smile, and a pair of Doc Martens comes into the shop and says she wants to interview me? Nothing, that's what, but maybe it should count for a bit more. ~ Nick Hornby

Groucho Marx This is not a book that should be set aside lightly - it should be flung with great force. ~ Groucho Marx

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book. ~ Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~ Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. ~ Groucho Marx

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days. ~ Groucho Marx

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera! ~ Groucho Marx

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields. ~ Woody Allen

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ~ Groucho Marx

I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so! ~ Sarah Silverman

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. ~ Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ~ Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, in his later days, gave me the best review I've ever had and probably will ever have. I changed a light bulb over his bed, and when I came off of his bed with the used one after putting the new one in, Groucho said, 'That's the best acting I've ever seen you do.' ~ Elliott Gould

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well I have others. ~ Groucho Marx

Always examine the dice. ~ Groucho Marx

Finally, Groucho stopped working on his roast beef, put down his fork, leaned over to her and said, "Look, will you stop calling him 'Gumbo'? Gumbo's a type of soup. My brother's name is 'Gummo!'" In ~ Steve Stoliar

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members. ~ Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy ~ Groucho Marx

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. ~ Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~ Groucho Marx

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old ~ Groucho Marx

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! ~ Groucho Marx

O'er rivers, through woods,
With winding and weaves,
Their school bus sailed on
Through the new-fallen leaves.

When out on the road
There arose such a clatter,
They threw down their windows
To see what was the matter.

When what with their wondering eyes
Should they see,
But a miniature farm
And eight tiny turkey.

And a little old man
So lively and rugged,
They knew in a moment
It was Farmer Mack Nuggett.

He was dressed all in denim
From his head to his toe,
With a pinch of polyester
And a dash of Velcro.

And then in a twinkling
They heard in the straw
The prancing and pawing
Of each little claw.

More rapid than chickens
His cockerels they came.
He whistled and shouted
And called them by name:

"Now Ollie, now Stanley, now Larry and Moe,
On Wally, on Beaver, on Shemp and Groucho! ~ Dav Pilkey

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say. ~ Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. ~ Groucho Marx

Africa is God's country, and He can have it. ~ Groucho Marx

Boogey boogey boogey ~ Groucho Marx

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. ~ Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~ Groucho Marx

Goodreads.com is where introverts unite. ~ Groucho Marx

The genius of the Marx Brothers is for parody. They never are themselves. They exist too abundantly to be content with being that - they must go on, by the rapidest of transitions, to being something else. Groucho, in my opinion the bright star among the three, is never anything but the thing he is at the moment pretending to be. ~ Mark Van Doren

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man. ~ Groucho Marx

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in. ~ Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. ~ Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say. ~ Groucho Marx

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement. ~ Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you. ~ Groucho Marx

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own. ~ Groucho Marx

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy. ~ Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. ~ Groucho Marx

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar. ~ Groucho Marx

I am your true Marxist critic, following Groucho rather than Karl, and take as my motto Groucho's grand admonition: "Whatever it is, I'm against it! ~ Harold Bloom

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. ~ Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member ~ Groucho Marx

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them. ~ Joe Rogan

My mother loved children
she would have given anything if I had been one. ~ Groucho Marx

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. ~ Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. ~ Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ~ Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. ~ Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ~ Anthony G. Oettinger

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does ~ Groucho Marx

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted ~ Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. ~ Groucho Marx

I'll teach you to kick me ... '
You don't need to teach me
I already know how! ~ Groucho Marx

According to that book, only one Marx contributed an unforgotten pun to the Round Tablers' vaunted word games. It wasn't Groucho, who must have been furious. Nor was it Harpo, who for all we know sat at the table naked. Nor was it Chico, who had more dangerous games elsewhere. It was Gummo. Evidently Gummo had a seat at that table at least once, and he made it count. Everybody knows that Dorothy Parker, challenged to make a sentence with the word horticulture, quipped as follows: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." But who knew that Gummo, taking on euphoria, came up with this: LEFT TO RIGHT: Harpo, Zeppo, Chico, Groucho, and Gummo, 1957. "Go outside and play," Minnie told the brothers. "Which ones?" they asked. And she said: "Euphoria."* ~ Roy Blount, Jr.

Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all. ~ Groucho Marx

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. ~ Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? ~ Groucho Marx

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection. ~ Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? ~ Groucho Marx

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus ~ Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. ~ Groucho Marx

Was that you or the duck? ~ Groucho Marx

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! ~ Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. ~ Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. ~ Groucho Marx

Blood's not thicker than money. ~ Groucho Marx

If I'm convinced that I'm not good enough, I will have a difficult time accepting someone into my life who thinks I am. It's the Groucho Marx syndrome of not wanting to like anyone who would want me in their club. The only way that I can accept someone's finding me wonderful, is if I find myself wonderful. But to the ego, self-acceptance is death. ~ Marianne Williamson

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's. ~ Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. ~ Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. ~ Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor. ~ Groucho Marx

TV is the rat race of the century. ~ Groucho Marx

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement. ~ Groucho Marx

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove ~ Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ~ Groucho Marx

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract
Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? ~ Groucho Marx

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! ~ Groucho Marx