Misattributed To Groucho Marx Quotes

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ~ Anthony G. Oettinger

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. ~ Groucho Marx

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books. ~ Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ~ Groucho Marx

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. ~ Groucho Marx

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded. ~ Groucho Marx

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise. ~ Groucho Marx

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing. ~ Groucho Marx

Patience is the art of finding something else to do. ~ Groucho Marx

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. ~ Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. ~ Groucho Marx

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted ~ Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. ~ Groucho Marx

I have a weird graphic I made for myself once, and it's the "lineage tree" of everyone that has inspired me and more importantly given me the permission to be myself in my work. There's a slew of people from theater: Erwin Piscator, Chekhov, Mac Wellman, Stein; and then a whole lot of wonderful works that are called novels: everything from Tristram Shandy to Bouvard and Pecuchet, to Virginia Woolf's Three Guineas, and Finnegan's Wake and Invisible Man, and then contemporary writers I'm currently reading like Renee Gladman and Anakana Schofield. There are many more in my graphic also: there's Beckett's novels and Melancholy of Resistance, and there's Reznikoff and Dos Passos, there are contemporary poets I admire like Jena Osman, dance-writers like Michelle Ellsworth, and books I can't help read for fun like Muriel Spark. But there's Groucho Marx and Oscar Wilde. It's a huge question and the answers would likely change daily. But these I'm talking about here are in the pantheon. ~ Thalia Field

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does ~ Groucho Marx

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement. ~ Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. ~ Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? ~ Groucho Marx

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter ... ~ Groucho Marx

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing ... ~ Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. ~ Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. ~ Groucho Marx

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar. ~ Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. ~ Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup: ~ Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. ~ Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. ~ Groucho Marx

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera! ~ Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. ~ Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~ Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. ~ Groucho Marx

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book. ~ Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar. ~ Groucho Marx

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs. ~ Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. ~ Groucho Marx

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much ~ Groucho Marx

According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful and that she has red hair. I don't know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair. Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so that he can get on his feet and get the nurse off hers." - Groucho Marx, letter to his son ~ Groucho Marx

According to that book, only one Marx contributed an unforgotten pun to the Round Tablers' vaunted word games. It wasn't Groucho, who must have been furious. Nor was it Harpo, who for all we know sat at the table naked. Nor was it Chico, who had more dangerous games elsewhere. It was Gummo. Evidently Gummo had a seat at that table at least once, and he made it count. Everybody knows that Dorothy Parker, challenged to make a sentence with the word horticulture, quipped as follows: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." But who knew that Gummo, taking on euphoria, came up with this: LEFT TO RIGHT: Harpo, Zeppo, Chico, Groucho, and Gummo, 1957. "Go outside and play," Minnie told the brothers. "Which ones?" they asked. And she said: "Euphoria."* ~ Roy Blount, Jr.

The genius of the Marx Brothers is for parody. They never are themselves. They exist too abundantly to be content with being that - they must go on, by the rapidest of transitions, to being something else. Groucho, in my opinion the bright star among the three, is never anything but the thing he is at the moment pretending to be. ~ Mark Van Doren

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. ~ Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. ~ Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx