Cop Humor Quotes

Well, hell, Eve. If you need to run off to you dressmaker, or take your cat to therapy, Peabody and I can handle this minor matter of murder."
Eve lips stretched in a vicious smile. "Bite me, Casto. ~ J.D. Robb

It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof ~ J.D. Robb

Well, Ms. Fontaine, you look damn good for a dead woman."
Her response was to narrow her eyes, arch a brow. "If that's some sort of cop humor, I'm afraid you'll have to translate. ~ Nora Roberts

Just shut your mouth, you ignorant twat."
"Aw, Dallas, he called me a twat. How come you get to be a bitch, but I only get to be a twat."
"It's the rank," Eve told her. "You'll make bitch one day."
"Thanks. That means a lot to me. ~ J.D. Robb

[Feeney] "Nearly blew ourselves up about an hour ago, right, Roarke?"
Roarke rose and tucked his hands in his pockets. "I never doubted you for an instant Captain."
"Like hell." In tune with his man, Feeney grinned. "If you weren't saying your prayers, boyo, I was saying mine. Still, I can't think of many others I'd be pleased to be blown to hell with."
"The feeling's nearly mutual."
"If you two have finished your little male bonding dance, would you care to explain what the hell I'm supposed to be looking at here?" [Eve] ~ J.D. Robb

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business. ~ Barbara Kingsolver

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. ~ Dave Barry

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually. ~ Sam R. August

Security has a report of an unattended fainting goat that is loose in the building as well, sir' 'A, What?' I Snap. 'A fainting goat' 'How do you know it faints?' 'Guests continue to report a dead goat. Surveillance footage shows that it's just fainting' 'What a relief' Dec says. 'Because a fainting goat is so much better than a dead one' he turns to me 'When did your suite become a petting zoo?' 'Shut up ~ Julia Kent

Are you fighting evil tonight? ... Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. ~ James R Tuck

Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love. ~ Athan Fletcher

Said Buddha to the hot dog vendor, make me one with everything. ~ New York Magazine

Just show a little skin once in a while. You look like a member of a freaking Mormon cult or something. We live in Chicago, not Baghdad. ~ M.K. Schiller

You'd be surprised at how many of us want justice in this case," says Uncle Carlos. "But of course, classic Maverick. Every cop is automatically a bad cop. ~ Angie Thomas

Your boyfriend should not have left you here."
"He's not my boyfriend. I can tell because I don't have his name drawn inside a heart on a single notebook. I swear. And who says he left me? Maybe I left him? Maybe we found someplace safe and I stashed him there."
"I doubt that," Stefan said.
"I'd totally leave him, you know. Boys are annoying."
"True. But there is no safe place. And I am no fool. I knew you would come for the phone. I have been watching this spot since daybreak. I saw him go over the edge. ~ Ally Carter

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Your tongue is moving my King but the words are not making their way to my ears ~ Dora Okeyo

I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors - well, 100% of dead people don't! ~ Stewart Stafford

The saints are never the kind of killjoy spinster aunts who go in for faultfinding and lack all sense of humor. ~ Hans Urs Von Balthasar

I was in America, someone wanted a photo with me, I put my arm around her and she told me not to touch her. ~ Rupert Grint

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. ~ Steven Wright

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. ~ David Sedaris

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate's hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, "How full was that?"

Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. "Unopened. Why? ~ Ella Frank

My God, she's good-looking!" said Mr. Sandwood, who was just over thirty.
"Good-looking!" cried Mr. Hedrick contemptuously, "she always looks as if she wanted to be kissed! Turning those big cow-eyes on every calf in town!"
It was doubtful if Mr. Hedrick intended a reference to the maternal instinct. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Julie helped him to feel defined. He was Julie's boyfriend. Julie's fiance. Julie's provocation. He came into focus when he stood beside her, despite the fact that the person standing beside her was mostly not him. ~ Meg Rosoff

As children we are taught, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!" As adults we teach those same words to our own children while simultaneously we sue one another for defamation or verbal assault. Ah, the naked leading the blind. ~ Bryan Oftedahl

I'm hoping that hawk returns, and instead of snatching up poor helpless animals and children, it grabs you ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I don't wanna be the joker who makes eyes full of tears in the end ~ Ags Orachimaruu

You want to go somewhere?' he asked.
'Like now? its late.'
'isn't las vegas the city that never sleeps?'
'i think that's new york.'
'right. this is sin city. ~ Olivia Cunning

You said the d-word," Owllwin said regretfully. "I didn't think you would, or I woulda warned ya."
" . . . the d-word?" Cricket repeated in confusion.
"Yeah . . ." Owllwin paused as if he was glancing around, then he whispered through the wall, "Dragon."
Cricket blinked. "Why can't I say that? ~ Ash Gray

In sooth, thy life sounds passing strange and shitty. ~ Austin Grossman

Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy. ~ Lois Greiman

Children inherit their parents' madness. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

There was nothing worse, Veppers thought, than a loser who'd made it. It was just part of the way things worked – part of the complexity of life, he supposed – that sometimes somebody who absolutely deserved nothing more than to be one of the down-trodden, the oppressed, the dregs of society, lucked out into a position of wealth, power and admiration.
At least people who were natural winners knew how to carry themselves in their pomp, whether their ascendancy had come through the luck of being born rich and powerful or the luck of being born ambitious and capable. Losers who'd made it always let the side down. Veppers was all for arrogance – he possessed the quality in full measure himself, as he'd often been informed – but it had to be deserved, you had to have worked for it. Or at the very least, an ancestor had to have worked for it.
Arrogance without cause, arrogance without achievement – or that mistook sheer luck for true achievement – was an abomination. Losers made everybody look bad. Worse, they made the whole thing – the great game that was life – appear arbitrary, almost meaningless. Their only use, Veppers had long since decided, was as examples to be held up to those who complained about their lack of status or money or control over their lives: look, if this idiot can achieve something, so can anybody, so can you. So stop whining about being exploited and work harder.
Still, at least individual losers were quite obviously statistical freaks. Yo ~ Iain Banks

I think you're intelligent and charming, and that you're a person with a kind heart. I know that when you want to, you can look more beautiful than anyone I've ever met. You're independent, you've got a good sense of humor, and you show surprising patience with children. -Alex ~ Nicholas Sparks

I lunged, low and quick, and drove about a foot of cold steel into his danglies. Hey, I don't care what kind of fearie or mortal or hideous creature you are. If you've got danglies, and can loose them, that's the kind of sight that makes you reconsider the possible genitalia-related ramifications of your actions real damned quick. ~ Jim Butcher

Never wear a top hat and tails and bring a saw to a funeral ~ Josh Stern

At the heart of quantum mechanics is a rule that sometimes governs politicians or CEOs - as long as no one is watching, anything goes. ~ Lawrence M. Krauss

We are fans of Mozart and Beethoven, as well 'South Park' and Borat. We believe that we can attract many people who eschew the serious ambiance of concert halls and don't go to classical music concerts because of such reasons. However, there is a 'serious humor' on the stage: funny and ridiculous. That is important! ~ Aleksey Igudesman

We take a beautiful little boy and we put him in a diaper and we give him a lethal weapon and we say LOVE. Which makes absolutely no sense. ~ Mark Hart

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach ... but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?" ~ Jim Gaffigan

Ms. Wrack's mother, Mrs. Wrack, had been a mermaid: a proper one who lived on a rock and combed her hair and sang. But sailors had never been lured to their doom by her, partly because she looked like the back of a bus and partly because modern ships are so high out of the water that they never even saw her ~ Eva Ibbotson