Chris Rock Quotes

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. ~ Chris Rock

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that. ~ Chris Rock

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit? ~ Chris Rock

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it. ~ Chris Rock

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work. ~ Chris Rock

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies. ~ Chris Rock

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. ~ Chris Rock

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man. ~ Chris Rock

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist. ~ Chris Rock

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council. ~ Chris Rock

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school. ~ Chris Rock

If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person. ~ Chris Rock

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials. ~ Chris Rock

Money is the best lotion in the world. ~ Chris Rock

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up. ~ Chris Rock

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go. ~ Chris Rock

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before. ~ Chris Rock

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ~ Chris Rock

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!" ~ Chris Rock

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world. ~ Chris Rock

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing. ~ Chris Rock

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out. ~ Chris Rock

You don't pay taxes-they take taxes. ~ Chris Rock

I can't even put gas in my plane! ~ Chris Rock

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released. ~ Chris Rock

I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house. ~ Chris Rock

Chris Rock is a very funny man. ~ Willie Geist

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'. ~ Chris Rock

I pray there's a God ... I know there's an Oprah. ~ Chris Rock

Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies. ~ Chris Rock

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession. ~ Chris Rock

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence. ~ Chris Rock

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects! ~ Chris Rock

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite. ~ Chris Rock

There's math, and everything else is debatable! ~ Chris Rock

When a musical act performs, the black audience goes crazy for all the stuff, the album cuts, everything. White audiences, they're nice and all, but they're not going to lose it until they get the hits. Comedy is the same thing. ~ Chris Rock

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny. ~ Chris Rock

There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get. ~ Chris Rock

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!" ~ Chris Rock

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. ~ Chris Rock

Men do not settle down. Men surrender. ~ Chris Rock

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let's hope America keeps producing nicer white people. ~ Chris Rock

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? ~ Chris Rock

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. ~ Chris Rock

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say. ~ Chris Rock

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?! ~ Chris Rock

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window. ~ Chris Rock

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about. ~ Chris Rock

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful. ~ Chris Rock

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming. ~ Bill Burr

I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?" ~ Chris Rock

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor. ~ Chris Rock

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times. ~ Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. ~ Chris Rock

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him. ~ Bob Saget

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad. ~ Chris Rock

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things. ~ Chris Rock

As far as stand-ups go, I always loved Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, and Sinbad. Basically, I love black comedians because they're the funniest. I wish I were a black comedian, actually. ~ Adam DeVine

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something. ~ Chris Rock

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus ... and I can plate and set the table. ~ Chris Rock

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say. ~ Chris Rock

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right. ~ Chris Rock

I learned pretty quickly that it's your WORK ETHIC that LEVELS THE PLAYING FIELD. Education helps, but I've met failures who have Ph.D.s. I believe the hardest worker is always going to win. ~ Chris Rock

All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love do we get this evil out of them. Only through love and structure and discipline do they not hate. The kids that hate didn't learn anything, that's the problem. ~ Chris Rock

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. ~ Chris Rock

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer. ~ Chris Rock

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky. ~ Chris Rock

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker. ~ Iliza Shlesinger

Opening for Louis C.K. during his "Hilarious" tour was a great experience for me. He is the generation just ahead of me, because he started so young. So it's like he's sort of a senior and I'm a junior, in terms of the business. He's done so much - from writing on Conan and Chris Rock to writing and directing movies, having his own HBO show, "Lucky Louie," and now having "Louie" on FX. ~ Ted Alexandro

Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy. ~ Chris Rock

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s ... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good. ~ Chris Rock

We Americans commercialize everything. Look at what we did to Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Now, I don't know Jesus, but from what I read he was the least materialistic person who ever walked the earth. No bling on Jesus. He kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most commercial day of the year. In fact we have a whole Jesus birthday season. And then at the end of it, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and say what a horrible Jesus birthday season we had. ~ Chris Rock

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day. ~ Chris Rock

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick ... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people? ~ Chris Rock

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic. ~ Chris Rock

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man. ~ Chris Rock

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me ... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree. ~ Chris Rock

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better. ~ Chris Rock

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a ... window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!' ~ Chris Rock

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips. ~ Chris Rock

I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people. ~ Chris Rock

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats. ~ Chris Rock

I thought, "why don't we be innovative and create something nobody had ever done before?" It was a huge hit and we immediately did a sequel with Chris Rock, Morgan Freeman, Tina Turner and Maya Angelou. ~ Henry Louis Gates

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach. ~ Chris Rock

The Academy Awards ceremony is designed to be without irony, but Chris Rock supplied it anyway with filmed movie-theater interviews with black men and women who had never heard of the movies nominated for Best Picture. ~ Suzanne Fields

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing. ~ Chris Rock

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you. ~ Chris Rock

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad. ~ Chris Rock

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs. ~ Chris Rock

I actually opened for Chris Rock at the Funny Bone one time. ~ Adam McKay

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems! ~ Chris Rock

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks. ~ Chris Rock

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden. ~ Chris Rock

Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be. ~ Chris Rock

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege. ~ Chris Rock

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white. ~ Chris Rock

I see as white people finding loopholes in the slavery laws. ~ Chris Rock

My mother always says: "You know better, so you'll be punished. Your friends don't know better, so they won't be punished. They can go snatch chains and they'll be fine. But if you snatch chains, you'll end up in jail because you know better." ~ Chris Rock

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke. ~ Chris Rock

I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show ... What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it? ~ Chris Rock