Alcoholism Funny Quotes

I'm tired of hearing sin called sickness and alcoholism a disease. It is the only disease I know of that we're spending hundreds of millions of dollars a year to spread. ~ Vance Havner

A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can't predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before. ~ Raymond Chandler

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol. ~ Bauvard

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. ~ Joe E. Lewis

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity. ~ George Mikes

Truth is what stands the test of experience. ~ Albert Einstein

Humour is the describing the ludicrous as it is in itself; wit is the exposing it, by comparing or contrasting it with something else. Humour is, as it were, the growth of nature and accident; wit is the product of art and fancy. ~ William Hazlitt

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man's voice called, "Uh, hello?"
Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.
"Hello," Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm.
"Hi," said the man. "The door's locked."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"That's funny" said Skulduggery. "Hold on a moment." He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. "Yes, it's locked. You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?"
There was a delay in response from the other side. "I'm sorry," the man called, "Who am I speaking with?"
Skulduggery tilted his head. "Who am I speaking with?"
"This is Oscar Nightfall."
"Are you sure?"
"What?"
"Are you sure you are who you say you are? This is the Great Chamber, after all. It's a very important place for very important people. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that someone, and I'm not saying that this applies to you in particular, but someone could conceivably lie about who they are in order to gain access to this room. I have to be vigilant, especially now. There's a war on, you know."
Oscar Nightfall sounded puzzled. Who are you?"
"Me? I'm nobody. I'm a cleaner. I'm one of the cleaners. I was cleaning the thrones and the door shut behind me. Now I can't get out. Could you try and find a key?"
"What's your name? Give me you name."
"No. It's mine."
"Tell me your name!"
"My name is Os ~ Derek Landy

We didn't kiss," I said. Jules cocked an eyebrow. "We brushed lips. ~ Leila Howland

Hope you got your things together.'" I sang, stabbing a pillow with my spear. Feathers exploded into the air. "'Hope you are quite prepared to die!'" I spun in a dazzling whirl of lights, landed a killer back-kick on a phantom Shade, and simultaneously punched the magazine rack. "'Looks like we're in for nasty weather!'" I took a swan dive at a short, imaginary Shade, lunged up at a taller one -
- and froze.
Barrons stood inside the front door, dripping cool-world elegance.
I hadn't heard him come in over the music. He was leaning, shoulder against the wall, arms folded, watching me.
"'One eye is taken for an eye . . .'" I trailed off, deflating. I didn't need a mirror to know how stupid I looked. I regarded him sourly for a moment, then moved for the sound dock to turn it off. When I heard a choked sound behind me I spun, and shot him a hostile glare. He wore his usual expression of arrogance and boredom. I resumed my path for the sound dock, and heard it again. This time when I turned back, the corners of his mouth were twitching. I stared at him until they stopped.
I'd reached the sound dock, and just turned it off, when he exploded.
I whirled. "I didn't look that funny," I snapped.
His shoulders shook.
"Oh, come on! Stop it!"
He cleared his throat and stopped laughing. Then his gaze took a quick dart upward, fixed on my blazing MacHalo, and he lost it again. I don't know, maybe it was the brackets sticking out from the sides. ~ Karen Marie Moning

God ... my self in the Bronx always says that God has a funny sense of humor..He has a way of treating things, he deals with each individual soul delicately, tenderly, compassionately but he deals with groups of people [country] according to certain laws and he always observes those laws and that means the innocent are punished with the evil. ~ Malachi Martin

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. ~ Steven Wright

I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Touche.
What does that mean? Jasper raises his eyebrows quizzically.
It means you're right.
Jasper rolls his eyes. Of course I'm touche. I'm always touche. ~ Jessica Brody

In a funny way, poems are suited to modern life. They're short, they're intense. Nobody has time to read a 700-page book. People read magazines, and a poem takes less time than an article. ~ Caroline Kennedy

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" ~ Eddie Izzard

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. ~ George Carlin

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. ~ Charles Kettering

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle! ~ Lauren Myracle

There will be others, many others. You'll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn't feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You'll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that's how this ends. You'll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, "Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what's an information system?"
Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it's beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible ... invisible ... practically invisible. ~ Colin Nissan

Yes, he's got all them different kinds of thoroughbred blood in him, and he's got other kinds you ain't mentioned and that you ain't slick enough to see. ~ Don Marquis

He's the funniest, smartest person I know. It doesn't mean he doesn't bug me and I'm sure I bug him sometimes. ~ Sarah Jessica Parker

It's possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it? ~ Martin Amis

I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted it. Basically, I came to the conclusion a while ago that you can either be really bitter about it or you can make loads of funny jokes. ~ Daniel Radcliffe

It's not funny. How would you like it if your balls fled in fear? My balls haven't been this frightened since I dove into the icy water at the Polar Bear Plunge my first year of high school. ~ K.C. Faelan

Ya know it's funny, what's happening to us. Our lives have become digital. Our friends, now virtual. And, anything you could ever wanna know is just a click away. Experiencing the world through second hand information isn't enough. If we want authenticity we have to initiate it. We will never know our full potential unless we push ourselves to find it. It's this self-discovery that inevitably takes us to the wildest places on earth. ~ Travis Rice

Nicole's door opened, and she stomped down the hall. "I have something to say," she said, giving him the Slitty Eyes of Death. "You're totally unfair, and if I run away, you shouldn't be surprised." "Don't make me put a computer chip in your ear," Liam answered. "It's not funny! I hate you." "Well, I love you, even if you did ruin my life by turning into a teenager," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Did you study for your test?" "Yes." "Good." He looked at his daughter - so much like Emma, way too pretty. Why weren't there convent schools anymore? Or chastity belts? "Want some supper? I saved your plate." She rolled her eyes with all the melodrama a teenager could muster. "Fine. I may as well become a fat pig since I can't ever go on a date." "That's my girl," he said and, grinning, got up to heat up her dinner. ~ Kristan Higgins

That home run ties it up, 1-0. ~ Jerry Coleman

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special. ~ Larry The Cable Guy

You know, in high school I thought Catholicism was funny and sort of ridiculous, but then I also liked it, too. Like, I definitely turned to it in times of trouble. ~ Julia Sweeney

Can I trust him again? Even after all he said? If I do and I'm wrong, the cost is too high. My life. "You'll wait for me to agree to go back with you?" I want to be clear on this point. "You won't force me in any way? Or reveal yourself to anyone, no matter what?"
"I'll wait," he promises. "However long you need."
He'll wait. But he'll be lurking about. Nearby. Watching. And I won't always know it.
Funny how things change. In the beginning, I thought I could never stay here. Now I don't want to leave. Mostly because of Will, but also because I've decided to give Mom and Tamra what they want. A chance. It can't be all about me. If I'm strong enough, smart enough, my draki can make it. And of course, Will can help with that. A few kisses. A smile. A brush of his hand and my draki is revived. And I no longer have to hide it from him.
I can last through high school. For Mom, for Tamra. After graduation, I can go with Will when he cuts free from his family. Just two more years. We'll figure out the specifics. The how and where. For the first time since coming here, I feel the stirrings of hope. I won't let Cassian ruin that.
"You're going to wait forever," I vow. "I won't change my mind."
Cassian's mouth curves enigmatically. Like he knows something I don't. He's eighteen, but in that moment I can believe he has several more years than that on me. "Things change all the time. People change. I'll take my chances."
I shake my head. "You'll see. I w ~ Sophie Jordan

The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens ~ Jana Oliver

Redemption is a funny thing. Even if we don't ask for it - even if we don't think we want it - sometimes we seek it out. In our words and our actions. Because something drives us to make right the things that we did. It's what allows us to keep living with ourselves. ~ Obie Williams

For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow ~ David Frost

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds. ~ Christopher Walken

A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet. ~ Jeanette E. Mathews

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird. ~ Lauren Ambrose As Claire Fisher

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Funny how it all turns to theological babble the more we try to identify just exactly what we're talking about with this whole law business. No wonder C.S. Lewis wrote a story instead! Sure, he tackled the issue of moral law in Mere Christianity too. But nothing sticks in our imaginations quite so clearly as the sight of the White Witch, her bare arms raised above her head, standing over the willing, innocent, self-sacrificing Lion on the Stone Table. ~ Sarah Arthur

My tiny scary friend is coming ~ Laini Taylor

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose. ~ Fred Allen

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started. ~ William Safire

It's funny how many little things you get used to - attached to, even - and never realize until you travel abroad and those things are not available. ~ Karen Hawkins

When I die, I want it to say 'Short and Funny' on my tombstone. ~ John Requa

So that's the secret," the Beast Lord said.
I froze with the spoon halfway to my mouth. That was it. He had figured out what I was and now he was playing with me.
"You okay?" he asked. "Gone a bit pale there."
In a moment he would drop the charade and rip me to pieces. If I was lucky. "Secret to what?"
"Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and" - he raised his hands - "blessed silence."
I went back to the soup. Ha-ha. Very funny.
"What did you think I meant?"
"I don't know," I mumbled. "The ways of the Beast Lord are a mystery to a humble merc like me."
"You don't do humble. ~ Ilona Andrews

What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly. ~ Cassandra Clare

You're walking down Fool's Street, Laura used to say when he was drinking, and she had been right. He had known even then that she was right, but knowing had made no difference; he had simply laughed at her fears and gone on walking down it, till finally he had stumbled and fell. Then, for a long time, he stayed away, and if he had stayed away long enough he would have been all right; but one night he began walking down it again - and met the girl. It was inevitable that on Fool's Street there should be women as well as wine.

He had walked down it many times in many different towns, and now he was walking down it once again in yet another town. Fool's Street never changed, no matter where you went, and this one was no different from the others. The same skeletonic signs bled beer names in vacant windows; the same winos sat in doorways nursing muscatel; the same drunk tank awaited you when at last your reeling footsteps failed. And if the sky was darker than usual, it was only because of the rain which had begun falling early that morning and been falling steadily ever since. ~ Robert F. Young

Listen - life is really going on, right now, around us. Do you see it? Sometimes I lose it but if I sit still and listen, it comes back, and then I think, How funny, this is what being alive is. ~ Robin Morgan