Larry The Cable Guy Quotes

I follow the baseball team on the Internet more than I do the football team. Generally you can get a Nebraska game anywhere. Before I started doing big arenas and stuff and had a tour bus when I was just working comedy clubs way back when I would always listen to the games in my hotel room on the Internet.

I was born and raised in Pawnee City, Nebraska. I lived right next to the sale barn and I raised pigs. My dad was a guidance counselor at Wymore High School. He was also a preacher and did farming as well. We leased out our crop land but had cattle and horses.

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.

I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I'm not going to call for anybody to be fired. That's not what America is all about.

When Pixar calls and says, 'Hey, you wanna be in a Pixar movie?' you don't do a lot of contemplating!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.

As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats.

'Cars' has been a godsend. I mean, I get paid to talk into a mic. Honestly, I had no idea it would become as big as it did. When I first got the part of Mater, it was actually a small part. I did the voicing for it, though, and the animators liked it so much they rewrote the original script so that Mater could be in it more.

Living in a small town you couldn't go anywhere on a Saturday where a store had the game on. If you were downtown you heard the game. If you were at the gas station you heard the game. I remember I would be mowing the lawn and I would stop for the Nebraska game. I would have it cranking outside.

I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all.

We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.

I've been fortunate, I've been blessed, and I attribute my success to all my fans. People want to do things with you when you have a big fan base, and I have a great fan base.

I love food: biscuits and gravy, cheese grits, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken-fried steak with white gravy ... but my favorite dish is my wife's beanie weenie cornbread casserole. It's so good. It sounds stupid, but if you eat it, it's heaven. Of course, it's only something you can eat if you've got a lot of money.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

One of my little girls is named Reagan. Her first words were, 'Mr. Larry, tear down this crib.' That was her first words, it was very sweet. My first words were, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'

I'm not a party guy, and I'm not a Hollywood guy, either.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

I don't think every joke has to be so dadgum cerebral. I mix it up really good, because that's the kind of humor I like. I like the goofy one-liner type stuff.

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.'

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT CRITICS, LIKE I SAID THEY DONT BUY TICKETS.

When you're married with kids, you just think differently.

I hate flying. I'm not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I'm not a big fan of it.

Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."

I pretty much live on my tour bus.I do well around 300 shows a year. A lot of times I will do two shows a night.

Some guy came up to me with his kids, ages probably 10 and 12, and said that the reason he likes me is because he sat through an hour and twenty-minute show, and I didn't cuss one time. So it just really depends.

There's nothing better than a Nebraska summer so I wanted to live there in the summer time and visit my family and go to as many Nebraska games as I could.

I've never judged anybody by how they look or how they dress. I basically judge them on their character. And that's how I lead my own life.

I've always felt that if you've been blessed, you should try to help as many people as you can. I just think that's the right thing to do.

I was scared into being good. But I'm sure I did regular kid stuff.

I am called to love my neighbor, which I do. I can disagree with my neighbor about several things, but I'm not going to hate my neighbor. It's not up to me to hate anybody. It's not up to me to judge anyone. It's up to me to be nice, to be kind and to do everything I can to help somebody.

I don't hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.

When you're doing comedy, it is so subjective. What is funny to you is not funny to another person. What is dirty to you is not dirty to the other person. Comedy is one of those things you throw against the wall and see what sticks.

I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?

What a piece of garbage this smart car is. There's a commercial - the smart car has zero percent interest for six years. Well, good, I got zero percent in six years in buying this smart car. I'll tell you that much. I mean, it's ridiculous. My buddy has a smart car, totaled it. He hit a deer tick.

I don't take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Even before I did stand-up, I've always been the kind of guy - and I talk about it on stage - who says I like people and I always look for the good in people. I say, 'Every person has something good about them, if you can just find it.'

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I don't even see it as cable TV anymore. I've been called 'Larry the Cable Guy' for so long, I don't even think about it being about cable. I don't know anything about cable.

We're homebodies. I've gotten to see my kids' first steps, first smiles, first words. Every day is a weekend.

I was always getting in trouble because I was the class clown but I always made teacher laugh. I remember I thought I was going to fail that class but I ended up passing it and I really think it was only because I was good entertainment for her.

I split time between Nebraska and Florida. I'll come to Nebraska in the summertime and stay through Thanksgiving and then I go back to Florida because I have family in both places. One of the reasons I got the place in Nebraska is I've always wanted to live back in Nebraska.

Doing a kid's movie is fun when you have kids. You don't want to do kids' movies if you don't have kids. When you have kids, things change in your life.

I don't judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn't spell. I judge a person by their character.

THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PREACHER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T AGREE WITH SOME OF MY MATERIAL BUT THEN AGAIN THERE'S NO SIGN ON MY COMEDY EVENT THAT SAYS "REVIVAL HERE TONIGHT". IM SURE GOD HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO TO MY 8 OCLOCK OMAHA SHOW. THE SHOW IS THE SHOW AND CHURCH IS CHURCH.

I'm more of a rodeo type guy.

I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo

I'm a huge NASCAR fan, but I'm not a gearhead. I've never been into fixing cars. It's not because I don't like it. I would love to know more. It's just my dad never taught me that stuff because my dad wasn't a mechanic.

Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying, with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city
5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a genius.

I have thick skin. I'm not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there's something I think might offend me, I don't listen to it.

THE ONLY GOOD THING IS MY FANS LIKE ME AND COME TO SEE ME AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. EVERYBODY ELSE CAN KISS MY ASS. IF THEY DONT LIKE MY POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS THEN THEY CAN KEEP THEIR UPTIGHT P C ASS AWAY FROM MY SHOW. ITS THAT EASY.

I LOVE WAL-MART. I CONSIDER MY JOKES TO BE VERY JEUVINILLE. STUFF A 14 YEAR OLD WOULD LAUGH AT BECAUSE THATS THE SENCE OF HUMOR I HAVE. ALL THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHURCH GROUPS HOWEVER WAL-MART AINT SUNDAY SCHOOL. AS LONG AS I DIDNT USE OFFENSIVE FOUL LANGUAGE I KNEW ID BE FINE. WAL-MART GETS IT, THATS WHY THEY BLOW AWAY THE COMPETITION. BESIDES ITS THERE STORE THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT. THATS AMERICA BABY!

Tony Orlando is one of the nicest guys I have ever met - bar none - in my entire life. I was always a fan when I was a kid - you know, huge fan. Who wasn't a fan of Tony Orlando?

When I look at my audience, I can tell better who's in the crowd and the kind of joke I shouldn't do. It's just complicated. I guess I sift through to make sure these jokes are a little different with not such a harsh edge to them. That's pretty much how I handle the crowd.

I used to be a chick magnet. Now, I'm just a refrigerator magnet.