Jeff Garlin Quotes

I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean.

Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine!

For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey.

I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting.

I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not.

As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money.

Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains.

I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip.

I'm a freak for great movies. I love movies.

There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.

I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.

I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families.

Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes.

I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work.

Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them!

I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do.

The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing.

Acting's fine if the script's written by Paddy Chayefsky and Martin Scorsese directs it, but unless you have something like that, I don't really enjoy acting.

First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh.

The reality is [in] any emotional situation, a compulsive eater eats or an alcoholic
drinks. What people misunderstand is that when you're a compulsive overeater,
you don't just eat when things are bad. You eat when you feel anything.

I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David.

Only now I have added "living green" to the list. And that's when I realize: there is no ending to the story. There is no "I lost my 70 pounds and my house is completely green."

It's an ongoing process. There is no end game.

It's like success. You think that at some point you make it and then it's easy. Nope. The hard work never goes away. In some ways it's harder. No coasting.

I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.

Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself.

I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.

The worst kind of idiot is the one who doesn't think they're an idiot.