Stephine Plum Funny Lula Quotes

What's with the super soaker?" -Stephine
"I had a stork of genius when you called me this morning I said what do I have to do to protect myself from the vampire? And the answer that came to me was holy water! I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner." -Lula
"You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" -Stephine
"Yeah I sucked it out of the church. You know that birdbath thing they got right up front?" -Lula
"THe baptismal font?" -Stephine
"That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." -Lula
"Brilliant." -Stephine ~ Janet Evanovich

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy.
"I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break. ~ Janet Evanovich

Opening my door to Dillon Ruddick, my bulding super. I handed him a cup of coffee. "Sorry about the blood."
"What was it this time?" No one reported gunfire."
"I hit a guy in the face with a hair dryer."
"Whoa." Dillon said.
"It wasn't my fault," I told him.
"Maybe we should lay down some linoleum here. It would make things easier for clean up. ~ Janet Evanovich

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.
They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner."
"He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."
Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?"
"Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."
Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:
"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly.
"Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car.".... ~ Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. ~ Janet Evanovich

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. ~ Janet Evanovich

I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall. ~ Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn."
"She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."
-Ranger and Stephanie ~ Janet Evanovich

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie ~ Janet Evanovich

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash my hands twice waiting for people to come in and start talking. ~ Lynda Barry

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers. ~ Moira Young

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her. ~ Woody Allen

This is the final book about Brian ~ Gary Paulsen

Every so often I would look at my women friends who were happily married and didn't cook, and I would always find myself wondering how they did it. Would anyone love me if I couldn't cook? I always thought cooking was part of the package: Step right up, it's Rachel Samstat, she's bright, she's funny and she can cook! ~ Nora Ephron

I'm a big fan of comedians not having to apologize for anything. Nowadays it seems comedians are always apologizing for being funny. ~ Kevin Dillon

Hey,' he said, touching my waist. 'Hey. It's okay.' I nodded and wiped my face with the back of my hand. 'He sucks.' I nodded again. 'I'll write you an epilogue,' Gus said. That made me cry harder. 'I will,' he said. 'I will. Better than any sh*t that drunk could write. His brain is Swiss cheese. He doesn't even remember writing the book. I can write ten times the story that guy can. There will be blood and guts and sacrifice. An Imperial Affliction meets The Prince of Dawn. You'll love it.' I kept nodding, faking a smile, and then he hugged me, his strong arms pulling me into his muscular chest, and I sogged up his polo shirt a little but then recovered enough to speak. ~ John Green

I stopped thinking and watched in horror as Tex banged the portafilter on top of the espresso machine. Monty hit a button and was drowned out by Tex's voice shouting, "Fucking steam! Give me some more fucking steam, you monster!" Which was followed by Duke shouting, "It only gives as much steam as it gives, man!"
Wonderful. ~ Kristen Ashely

I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me. ~ Andy Weir

I know my rights."
"And I know you're wrong. ~ Scott Blagden

It's funny, I used to do a character that was just a baby - just an adult baby. I would get up onstage and complain about adult stuff, but as a baby. I was in a diaper, and I would require hugs from the audience and reassurance and stuff. ~ John Gemberling

When the reader has stopped to wonder at your delamificatious vocabulary, or, worse, when the reader has stopped because the word you've used has no more meaning to him than a random ptliijnbvc of letters, the reader is not involved in your story ... Generally, saying 'edifice' instead of 'building' doesn't tell your reader anything about the building; it tells the reader that you know that word edifice. ~ Howard Mittelmark

I'd stand on the street corner and score a steak," Cas said.
I couldn't help laughing. "You know, you might be flooded with business."
His mouth stretched into a lecherous grin. "If you come with me we could be rich by morning."
"Very funny. ~ Jennifer Rush

Well, well, well," Santa said once the elf had retreated. "Come and sit on my lap, little boy."

This Santa's beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn't fucking around.

"I'm not really a little boy," I pointed out.

"Get on my lap, then, big boy."

I walked up to him. There wasn't much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjusted
his crotch.

"Ho ho ho!" he chortled.

I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.

"Have you been a good little boy this year?" he asked.

I didn't feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.

He actually wobbled with joy.

"Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?"

I thought it was obvious.

"A message from Lily," I said. "That's what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now."

"So impatient!" Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. "But Santa does have a little something for you" - he shifted a little in
his seat - "right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you'll have to rub Santa's belly."

"What?" I asked.

He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. "Go ahead."

I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.
Rachel Cohn

Most people are idiots ~ Christopher G. Nuttall

I wouldn't mind the early autumn if you came home today I'd tell you how much I miss you and know I'd be okay. It's funny how we never know exactly how our life will go It's funny how a dream can fade with the break of day. Time can't erase the memory and time can't bring you home Last Summer was a part of me and now a part is gone. - Margaret ~ Jacqueline Woodson

I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious. ~ Don Roff

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are. ~ Plato

Gay sex, one. Straight sex, zero ~ Dani Alexander

You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me.
"Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed."
Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social"
"Meaning what?"
Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps."
"That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table. ~ Dashiell Hammett

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone, she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise. ~ Sarah Mayberry

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains. ~ J.K. Rowling

If you associate enough with older people who do enjoy their lives, who are not stored away in any golden ghettos, you will gain a sense of continuity and of the possibility for a full life. ~ Tom Stoppard

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. ~ Conan O'Brien

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. ~ Andy Borowitz

Lots of artists who paint have the experience to one degree or another ... where their thinking doesn't precede their doing ... It's a funny thing, what I really hate yet I have to go through with it, is the preparation. ~ Philip Guston

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it. ~ George Eliot

In my film "Benny's Video," I depicted violence but I failed to say all that I had to say, so I wanted to continue the dialog and that's why I did "Funny Games." The irony is that after I shot "Funny Games," but it hadn't been released at all anywhere. ~ Michael Haneke

I gather you weren't keen on going back to Scotland with your brother at this time of year. I don't say I blame you. Terribly bleak and cutoff in the winter."
"Oh no, Mom," I said, as her words sunk in. "My brother is not going back to Scotland. He and my sister-in-law are going to the Riviera."
The Riviera? I had no idea."
"For my sister-in-law's health. She's feeling rather frail at the moment."
"I don't think that frail would ever be a word to describe your sister-in-law," the Queen said, looking up with a half smile on her lips as a tray of coffee was reeled into the room.
"I managed to have six children without making a fuss. One just got on with it. ~ Rhys Bowen

In my heart, I knew that Whorf was right. I knew I thought differently in Turkish and English - not because thought and language were the same, but because different languages forced you to think about different things. Turkish, for example, had a suffix, -mis, that you put on verbs to report anything you didn't witness personally. You were always stating your degree of subjectivity. You were always thinking about it, every time you opened your mouth.

The suffix -mis had not exact English equivalent. It could be translated as "it seems" or "I heard" or "apparently." I associated it with Dilek, my cousin on my father's side - tiny, skinny, dark-complexioned Dilek, who was my age but so much smaller. "You complained-mis to your mother," Dilek would tell me in her quiet, precise voice. "The dog scared-mis you." "You told-mis your parents that if Aunt Hulya came to America, she could live in your garage." When you heard -mis, you knew that you had been invoked in your absence - not just you but your hypocrisy, cowardice, and lack of generosity. Every time I heard -mis, I felt caught out. I was scared of the dogs. I did complain to my mother, often. The -mis tense was one of the things I complained to my mother about. My mother thought it was funny. ~ Elif Batuman

And Now for a Topic of International Concern:
Corn Thinks

/Kôrn/ -
It does not sink.
It does not blink.
It does not look pink–
Nor does it write in pen and ink.

It does not slink.
It does not link.
It does not like finks–
Nor does it lie; hood or play tiddlywinks.

It is distinct.
It is succinct.
It is not a Sphinx -
Corn thinks.

-Poems on the Run, Vol. I ~ Douglas Laurent

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing. ~ Denis Leary

You need to realise how gorgeous you are.'
She laughs, but I'm not trying to be funny. 'I mean it Flo, you really are. Somewhere under all that disbelief. ~ Dawn O'Porter

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that. ~ Albert Camus

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company. ~ Mark Twain

He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec." Back into the phone he said, "He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!" he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head. ~ Robyn Carr

There is nudity, of course striptease is an essential component of burlesque but it's much more complex and intelligent than a display of nudity for nudity itself. And its often laugh-out-loud funny. ~ Karen Abbott

Will looked at Evie funny. "Advertising?"
"Yes. You've heard of it, haven't you? Swell modern invention. It lets people know about something they need. Soap, lipstick, radios - or your museum, for instance. We could start with a catchy slogan, like, 'The Museum of American Folklore, Superstition, and the Occult - we've got the spirit! ~ Libba Bray

I'm the sexiest of them all! - Carol ~ Matthew Leeth