Stephanie Plum Ranger Quotes

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. ~ Janet Evanovich

I went to the beauty salon today and got spruced up," Grandma said. "Ever since Mildred Frick called me a slut my phone hasn't stopped ringing. I got two dates for the weekend."
"It might not be such a good thing to have men calling you because they think you're a slut," I said. "They're only going to be after one thing."
"I hope that's true. I don't want to find out I went blond and bought all them thongs for nothing. ~ Janet Evanovich

Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons"
Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones ~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum: Do you have your stun gun and pepper sray?
Lula: Does a chicken have a pecker? I could invade Bulgaria with the shit i've got in my handbag. ~ Janet Evanovich

I have bad car juju."
-Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie ~ Janet Evanovich

Look at that skirt," my mother said when she opened the door to me. "It's no wonder we have so much crime today what with these short skirts. How can you sit in a skirt like that? Everyone can see everything."
"It's two inches above my knee. It's not that short. ~ Janet Evanovich

When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school. ~ Janet Evanovich

This cigarette tastes like ass, she said.
I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it. ~ Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love
[Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it. ~ Janet Evanovich

It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. ~ Janet Evanovich

My mother had been slicing up the chicken. She took a drumstick and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it around a little, picked it up and put it on the edge of the plate.
"There," she said, "we'll give him this drumstick."
"Deal. ~ Janet Evanovich

My sex life is okay."
"Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner. ~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum, off-road warrior. Now this was the way it should be, I thought. Taking action. Hauling ass in the woods behind Diesel. Well, okay – truthfully, I wanted to be in front of Diesel. I wanted to ride point, lead the charge, be the big kahuna. Unfortunately, Diesel was the one who'd memorized the aerial map. And he was supposedly the one with super senses.
'Big whoop-de-do, super senses,' I said.
'I heard that,' Diesel yelled back to me.
'No, you didn't.'
'Yes. I did. ~ Janet Evanovich

I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head I saw myself Thinking- Stephanie Plum High Five ~ Janet Evanovich

I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."
I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."
Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli ~ Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie] "This won't be so bad," I said to her, making an effort at convincing myself. "How about your blanket? We could wrap him up in the blanket. Then we could pick him up without actually touching him."

"I suppose that'd be all right," Lula said. "We could give it a try"

I spread the blanket on the ground beside Elliot Harp, took a deep breath, hooked my fingers around his belt and rolled him onto the blanket. I jumped back, squeezed my eyes closed tight and exhaled. No matter how much violent death I saw, I would never get used to it. "I'm gonna definitely have the runs," Lula said. "I can feel it coming on."

"Forget about the runs and help me with this body!" Lula grabbed hold of the head end of the blanket, and I grabbed hold of the foot end. Harp had full rigor and wouldn't bend, so we put him in the trunk headfirst with his legs sticking out. We carefully closed the lid on Harp's knees and secured the lid with a piece of rope Lula had in her trunk.

"Hold on," Lula said, pulling a red flowered scarf from her coat pocket, tying the scarf on Harp's foot like a flag. "Don't want to get a ticket. I hear the police are real picky about having things sticking out of your trunk."

Especially dead guys. ~ Janet Evanovich

My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. ~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie: "I have a list of Kenny's friends. I'm going to run through it."
Morelli: "Where'd you get this list?"
Stephanie: "Privileged information."
Morelli: "You broke into his apartment and stole his little black book."
Stephanie: "I didn't steal it. I copied it."
Morelli: "I don't want to here any of this. You're not carrying concealed, are you?"
Stephanie: "Who, me?"
Morelli: "Shit, I must be crazy to work with you ~ Janet Evanovich

Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."
In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped."
"That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk. ~ Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. ~ Janet Evanovich

You sure you don't want to go?" Grandma Mazur asked my mother.
"I didn't know Moogey Bues," my mother told her. "I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger."
"I wouldn't go either," Grandma Mazur said, "but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down."
"She's your responsibility," my mother said to me. "She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable. ~ Janet Evanovich

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while. ~ Janet Evanovich

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk.
Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

Bitch, this is a gun... ~ Janet Evanovich

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead! ~ Janet Evanovich

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want? ~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum, psycho bait. ~ Janet Evanovich

Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me. ~ Janet Evanovich

These are desparate times." - Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight. - Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW!
A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window.
"Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead.
(Three to get Deadly) ~ Janet Evanovich