Relationship Humor Quotes

Now," he said. "I want to hear about your day. Did you read any new books?"
"I've read all the books we have." She wrinkled her nose. "Armies aren't very good about carrying libraries with them. I can't imagine why. We'd fight so much less if everyone would just sit down and read."
Gifford's laugh rumbled through him, loud against her ear. "A question I often ask myself. Imagine how much money the realm would save if the rulers focused their finances on libraries, rather than wars."
"Not if I were allowed to shop for books."
"England would go bankrupt," he said gravely. "Thank God for wars."
She pushed him away, playful. "You can't switch sides like that."
The corner of his mouth quirked up. "It's too late. I've switched already, and since you've forbidden switching that quickly again, I'm stuck opposing you."
"Congratulations," she said. "You've just described our entire relationship. ~ Cynthia Hand

It's complicated. He's not ... ' Human? 'He's playing hard to get. ~ Nicki Elson

My dogs can't do anything
and what a relief. I don't make any demands of them, and I don't try to shape them or their future. For the most part, I trust them to make the right choices for themselves. I always look forward to seeing them, and I love just watching them sleep. What a great relationship. ~ Amy Chua

It's about time people told the truth about beautiful women. They do not shimmer down staircases. They do not descend, as was once supposed, from on high, attached to nothing other than wings. Clara was from somewhere. She had roots. ~ Zadie Smith

At least if I
was picking guys up in fits of drunken idiocy, they were not only handsome, but also even mildly clever. ~ C.E. Murphy

I need a sample of your blood,' said Kira.
Marcus raised an eyebrow. 'I didn't know we'd reached that stage of our relationship. ~ Dan Wells

Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody. ~ Loretta Chase

To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend ... I suppose I ought to have realize it's ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship. ~ Robert Harris

Boyfriend huh? I didn't realize we had taken things to that level."
"Oh, I'm sorry
this is my first undercover operation," Jordan said. "I'm a little unclear about the rules. Are we seeing other people in this fake relationship? ~ Julie James

Watch it, buster. There's only room for one sarcastic malcontent in this relationship. ~ Christine Warren

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something. ~ Sue Monk Kidd

When you're older, no matter how good your humor is you don't always feel perky and peppy. But if you sit home all day and brood about it, it gets worse. ~ Iris Apfel

You took away
My ray of sunshine,
My unending glow.
You took away
Everything with you,
My dreams and my feelings! ~ Jyoti Patel

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. ~ Christopher Moore

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy's credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn't be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty. ~ Hannah Harrington

So what is it really like? What happens when people die? Noor asks Alice Bhatti, who after finishing her shift has changed into a loose maxi and is lying down on a wheelie stretcher, her forearm covering her eyes. A half-torn poster on the wall behind the stretcher says : Bhai, your blood will bring a revolution. Someone has scrawled under it with a marker: And that revolution will bring more blood. Someone has added Insha'allah in an attempt to introduce divine intervention into the proceedings. Some more down-to-earth soul has tried to give this revolution a direction, and drawn an arrow underneath and scribbled, Bhai, the Blood Bank is in Block C. ~ Mohammed Hanif

A pick-up artist gave me a good piece of advice: the three most important things in a relationship are honesty, trust and respect, and if you don't have those, you don't have love. ~ Neil Strauss

Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong. ~ Pinterest.com

Adrian briefly closed his eyes. "It's alright, Winston. We're just trying-"

"No, it's not all right," said Oscar, slamming his fist on the table. "It's obvious you know something, and we're not leaving this room until you tell us what it is!"

Winston frowned. "They said we only had fifteen minutes."

"That-" started Oscar, holding up a finger. Then he deflated, clearing his throat. "- was actually true... ~ Marissa Meyer

He was afflicted with an education and a sense of humor. He was inspired by a purpose. He was armed with a phone book. He was doomed. ~ Alfred Bester

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence. ~ Charles Bukowski

It's my first trip as president of the United States. ~ George W. Bush

Harold stuck his chest out a bit. "I'm the Senator's representative in this district," which made me think of the relationship priests supposedly have with God. ~ John Fox

Well, he's scraping up what there is. Reckon we'll need every ready hand when it comes to a battle. Yours too, maybe.'
'Oh, you'll have to hold me back!' Calder slapped the hilt of his sword. 'Can't wait to get started!'
'You ever even drawn the fucking thing?' sneered Tenways, stretching his neck out to spit again.
'Just the once. I had to trim your daughter's hairy cunt before I could get at it. ~ Joe Abercrombie

Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it. ~ Stephen Colbert

A series of howls and war cries echoed through the camp ... The werewolves and Japanese had attacked.
-pg.353 Forbidden Nights with a Vampire Kerrelyn Sparks ~ Kerrelyn Sparks

I'm terribly sorry, Fergal."
"What for? Marrying him? I should think you would be, Angel. ~ Trisha Ashley

The [Vietnam War Memorial] Wall became a magnet for citizens of every generation, class, race, and relationship to the war perhaps because it is the only great public monument that allows the anesthetized holes in the heart to fill with a truly national grief. ~ Adrienne Rich

They must be looking everywhere for you," said Tawny, stretching out her wings to their full span - which was very far indeed!
It seemed to Luna that Tawny was saying that Maria was looking for her across the whole wide world.
"Luna The Moon Pig, The Pig Who Hid ~ Suzy Davies

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor. You don't want any woman to look under the carpet, guys, because there's lots of flaws underneath. Joanne believes my character in a film we did together, 'Mr. and Mrs. Bridge' comes closest to who I really am. I personally don't think there's one character who comes close ... but I learned a long time ago not to disagree on things that I don't have a solid opinion about. ~ Paul Newman

Ah hell, this was bad. Double-chocolate-chips-to-my-hips kinda bad. ~ Priya Kanaparti

I always see people tweeting about these crazy amazing things their boyfriend or girlfriend did for them. You shouldn't have to constantly be trying to prove your love when you're in a relationship. ~ Matt Prokop

I used to be into 'forbidden fruit', but I've moved on to'verboten vegetables ~ Josh Stern

The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else. ~ Napoleon Hill

Marriage is an ongoing, centuries-long social experiment that is mostly controlled by the individuals in the relationships who insist on determining what the relationship terms are going to be. And that's why the terms of marriage change with every century and decade. We're shaping it from the inside. Marriage endures because it evolves. Obviously it does. None of us would accept marriage on its 13th century terms, not even the most conservative people. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. ~ Dennis Miller

The soft stuff is always harder than the hard stuff. ~ Roger Enrico

I don't understand how teens in this generation stress being in a relationship/love more than adults do about their future. She's testing him to see if he's loyal, he's testing her to see if she's after money. So, basically it's a messed up-stressed-testing generation. Love has been blown so far out of proportion I reckon. The stress surrounding the single sentence 'I love you' is saddening. Relax!!! You're young! Your teen years are supposed to be fun. You have your whole lives ahead to find the right one. Just sit back, chill and live life the way it comes. ~ Manasa Rao

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you. ~ Rita Mae Brown

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing ... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry. ~ J.K. Rowling

He was irritable with Orr, who had found two crab apples somewhere and walked with them in his cheeks until Yossarian spied them there and made him take them out. Then Orr found two horse chestnuts somewhere and slipped those in until Yossarian detected them and snapped at him again to take the crab apples out of his mouth. Orr grinned and replied that they were not crab apples but horse chestnuts and that they were not in his mouth but in his hands, but Yossarian was not able to understand a single word he said because of the horse chestnuts in his mouth and made him take them out anyway. ~ Joseph Heller

We should lower the bar for what must happen in a person's life for their suffering to be acknowledged. "The current paradigm is encouraging all of us to think we are in abusive relationships," Hodes explained. "And if you are not in an abusive relationship, you don't deserve help. Being 'abused' is what makes you 'eligible.' But everyone deserves help when they reach out for it. ~ Sarah Schulman

It is always one of the tragedies of any relationship, even between people sensitive to each other's moods, that the moments of emotion so rarely coincide. ~ Nan Fairbrother

Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again. ~ Mark Twain

Oh, That's great! Now how does that help me? ~ Morgan Smith

Since I didn't have a spork handy, I leaned over the sink and scooped up a palmful of cold water and pressed it against my face. There had to be a better option than a violent sporking. There had to be a way to get rid of my dad. ~ Devon Monk

For some people, getting pregnant is as easy as catching cold. And there certainly was an analogy there: Colds and babies were both caused by germs which loved nothing so much as a mucous membrane. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

(Sadie)"I'm not judging you, Dylan. I love vampire movies. If I looked surprised it was only because it's so different from your TV work, that's all."
His shoulders relaxed a notch. "Sorry. Olly gives me a lot of shit for selling out. He doesn't get that no one is ever going to make his movie about two old men on a fishing trip. Or, even if they do, no one is every going to go see it. ~ Sarah Mayberry

I read the first few," said Jackaby. "I've instructed my duck to just file the rest directly under P. I left it to him to decide if that was for politics or paranoia. ~ William Ritter

What's the big deal with France? How come everyone wants to go there? Let me tell you about France. Their music sucks. Their movies suck. Their berets suck. Their croissants are pretty good, but the place overall still sucks.My family went there once on the way to visit Dad's homeland family. EuroDisney. Need I say more? ~ David Levithan

Vaclav Havel had this great sense of humor. And you kind of felt that he was making a little bit fun of everything at the same time. ~ Judy Woodruff

Always drink upstream from the herd. ~ Will Rogers

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

I might also say, regarding reviews and reviewers, that I have yet to read a review of any of my own books which I could not have written much better myself. ~ Edward Abbey

She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration. ~ C.I. Dennis

Digression and digestion. It's what we do. ~ David Duchovny