Memoir Bookseller Anecdote Humor Quotes

A remarkable number of the memoirs of booksellers are basically anecdote delivery devices. ~ Travis McDade

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee. ~ Wes Locher

Word from the outside, whether it arrived in a mail sack or a news report, seldom overshadowed the facts of our lives. We talked in facts -- work and weather, the logistics of this fence, that field -- but stories were how we spoke. A good story rose to the surface of a conversation like heavy cream, a thing to be savored and served artfully. Stored in dry wit, wrapped in dark humor, tied together with strings of anecdote, these stories told the chronology of a family, the history of a piece of land, the hardships of a certain year or a span of years, a series of events that led without pause to the present. If the stories were recent, they filtered through the door to my room late at night, voices hushed around the kitchen table as they sorted out this day and held it against others, their laughter sharp and sad and slow to come. Time was the key. Remember the time...and something in the air caught like a whisper. Back when. Back before a summer too fresh and real to talk about, a year's work stripped in a twenty-minute hailstorm; a man's right hand mangled in the belts of a combine, first day of harvest; an only son buried alive in a grain bin, suffocated in a red avalanche of wheat. ~ Judy Blunt

After all, this was the place where I'd had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football's first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil. ~ Wes Locher

I would go to parties and say I was an editor, and people, especially women – and that was important to me back then – would say, "Oh, really?" and raise their eyebrows and look at me a little more carefully. I remember the first party I went to after I became a teacher, someone asked me what I did for a living, and I said, "Well, I teach high school." He looked over my shoulder, nodded his head, said, "I went to high school," and walked away.

Once I repeated this anecdote around a big table full of Mexican food in the garden at a place called La Choza in Chicago, and Becky Mueller, another teacher at the school, said that I was a "storyteller." I liked that. I was looking for something to be other than "just" a teacher, and "storyteller" felt about right. I am a teacher and a storyteller in that order. I have made my living and my real contribution to my community as a teacher, and I have been very lucky to have found that calling, but all through the years I have entertained myself and occasionally other people by telling stories. ~ Peter Ferry

The man beside me, apropos of nothing, raises his hand and says that there is 'a story' that man started society because he was 'cast out of a garden because of a sin.' He doesn't attribute this anecdote, leaving it a blind item from a source we might not know. He seems nice enough but potentially dangerous. ~ David Rakoff

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt". ~ Amy Schumer

He flapped his mouth some more, and then shook himself awake, came to a decision, and starting sneaking huge, theatrical looks around the restaurant, as a way of telling all the other lunchers that I Am Now Going To Give This Man An Important Piece of Paper. ~ Hugh Laurie

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt. ~ J.K. Rowling

Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence ~ Joseph Heller

Ted, I swear to God, quothe he. ~ George Saunders

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. ~ Robert Benchley

You say: 'Oh, please forgive'
You say: 'Oh, live and let live.'
But sorry doesn't help us.
Sorry will not save us.
Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).
Sorry doesn't help us.
Sorry won't protect us.
Sorry won't undo all the good gone wrong. ~ Morrissey

the fraternity system is a very important target for us... it is a boot camp for the evilest part of the status quo. ~ Upright Citizens Brigade

I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves Our Lady of the Perpetual Astonishment ~ Kurt Vonnegut

It has been observed
that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. ~ Ambrose Bierce

You quit treating people like animals and maybe I'll consider it. ~ James Dashner

Queequeg was George Washington cannibalistically developed. ~ Herman Melville

Thank you sir," she said. "I hope that your friend feels better soon."
I shrugged. "The ways of the Lord" I said, "are often dark, but never pleasant. ~ Robert B. Parker

Shortly after this exchange my roommate suggested we start throwing water balloons at the construction workers. Not really at them because, I know, I know, it's not their fault. But believe me, it's hard to look down and see a man with a seven-speed power drill plowing through a brick wall and tell yourself he's not responsible for the noise. ~ Sloane Crosley

We are gods with anuses. ~ Ernest Becker

When you're watching something on TV that sucks, you change it. So when your life sucks you should be able to change it too.
-Butt-Head, of Beavis and Butt-Head; Chicken Soup for the Butt ~ Butt-Head

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs. ~ Bill Maher

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. ~ Richard Lewis

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. ~ Daniel Tosh

There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says.
'Done,' I say.
'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.
'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone.
'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.'
(Katniss and Boggs) ~ Suzanne Collins

Mom recognizes only two sources of wisdom
the bible and Hallmark. ~ Paula Wall

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. ~ M.C. Lavocat

Buford, my beloved vintage 1930's Underwood Universal Champion Portable typewriter. You are both my writing partner and my best friend. This journey you and I have been on has been fun. Although in 2016 you gave me carpal tunnel. In both hands. Didn't think I knew it was you, did you? You sneaky sombitch. ~ A.K. Kuykendall

He'd spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he'd been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home ~ Rachel Gibson

This smells like shit," MacRuairi said, smearing the black seal grease over his naked skin. They'd bundled their armor and weapons in a pack to keep them dry when they crossed the river. The seal grease would not only help them blend into the darkness, it protected them from the cold December waters.
"You'll be grateful for in in a few minutes." MacSorley grinned. "The water will freeze your bollocks off."
"Which shouldn't be a problem for you anymore," MacRuairi said dryly.
"Damn, cousin, was that a joke?" MacSorley shook his head. "It does snow in hell."
MacRuairi muttered something under his breath as he finished applying the grease. ~ Monica McCarty

Because we're the best: we use all organic. ~ Catherine Clark

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth. ~ Bill Maher

He was rewarded with a silver-and-red can of soda. He brandished it at the dolphin warriors as if spraying them with bug repellant.
"Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"
The dolphin-men began to panic. They were on the edge of retreat. Percy could feel it. ~ Rick Riordan

I like to sit at home in mild terror as the world rages outside without me, hoping that no one is going to drop by and expect me to come up with a humorous anecdote or ask me to have an opinion on something. ~ Samantha Irby

We're human. We all occasionally wet ourselves. No one is really better than anyone else. We're just all trying to make it through the year as best we can. We screw up sometimes. We succeed sometimes. We laugh. We cry. We go on.
Those are the things we should really share with each other this holiday season, right, if we dare send a letter? We should share the truth. We should share the insanity. ~ Wade Rouse

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector ~ Eva Ibbotson

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason. ~ Nenia Campbell

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.) ~ Christopher Moore

Looking for a supernova, therefore, was a little like standing on the observation platform of the Empire State Building with a telescope and searching windows around Manhattan in the hope of finding, let us say, someone lighting a twenty-first birthday cake. ~ Bill Bryson

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can do. ~ Golda Meir

No, we're talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize, Jacque answered. (about fane) ~ Quinn Loftis

Listen,' Thomas said, slowly getting to his feet, hoping Minho wouldn't be stupid enough to try anything. "There's something about us. We're not just random shanks who showed up on your doorstep. We're valuable. Alive, not dead."
The anger on Jorge's face lessened ever so slightly. Maybe a spark of curiosity. But what he said was 'What's a shank? ~ James Dashner

I must court her now,' said the Prince. 'Leave us alone for a minute.' He rode the white expertly down the hill.
Buttercup had never seen such a giant beast. Or such a rider.
'I am your Prince and you will marry me,' Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, 'I am your servant and I refuse.'
'I am your Prince and you cannot refuse.'
'I am your loyal servant and I just did.'
'Refusal means death.'
'Kill me then.'
'I am your Prince and I'm not that bad - how could you rather be dead than married to me?'
'Because,' Buttercup said, 'marriage involves love, and that is not a pastime at which I excel. I tried once, and it went badly, and I am sworn never to love another.'
'Love?' said Prince Humperdinck. 'Who mentioned love? Not me, I can tell you. Look: there must always be a male heir to the throne of Florin. That's me. Once my father dies, there won't be an heir, just a king. That's me again. When that happens, I'll marry and have children until there is a son. So you can either marry me and be the richest and most powerful woman in a thousand miles and give turkeys away at Christmas and provide me a son, or you can die in terrible pain in the very near future. Make up your own mind.'
'I'll never love you.'
'I wouldn't want it if I had it.'
'Then by all means let us marry. ~ William Goldman

I saw Derzhavin only once in my life but shall never forget that occasion. It was in 1815 at a public examination in the Lyceum. When we boys learned Derzhavin was coming, all of us grew excited. Delvig went out on the stairs to wait for him and kiss his hand, the hand that had written 'The Waterfall.' Derzhavin arrived. Derzhavin entered the vestibule, and Delvig heard him ask the janitor: 'Where is the privy here, my good fellow?' This prosaic question disenchanted Delvig, who canceled his intent and returned to the reception hall. Delvig told me the story with wonderful bonhomie and good humor. ~ Alexander Pushkin

Aisles and aisles of absolventina, theopathine, genuflix, orisol. An enormous place; organ music in the background while you shop. All the faiths are represented too - there's chistendine and antichristendine, ormuzal, arymanol, anabaptiban, methadone, brahmax, supralapsarian suppositories, and zoroaspics, quaker oats, yogart, mishnameal and apocryphal dip. Pills, tablets, syrups, elixirs, powders, gums - they even have lollipops for the children. Many of the boxes come with halos. ~ Stanislaw Lem

Canada?" Ash said. "You didn't say it was in Canada.
"I said Ontario." (Maya)
"I thought you meant Ontario, California."
"Seriously?" Tori said,rolling her eyes. "A helicopter to California? You may be hot,but your sister clearly inherited all the brains in the family."
"Did she call me hot?" Ash whispered to me, looking more annoyed than he ever did when someone called him a jerk.
"She hasn't been on a date in six months", Derek rumbled behind us. "No offense, but as long as aren't related to her, you're fair game. Hell, even
"
Tori spun on him. "I didn't know."
"Um, wait a sec," Corey said. "So Ash is hot and I'm seriously cute? Is there a difference?"
"Yes," Hayley said, and propelled him through the line. ~ Kelley Armstrong

I realized that no, no one would actually come to save or even stop me, I had absolutely no choice. The scale tipped: the moment not doing it became more difficult and unbearable than just doing it. ~ Aspen Matis