Schumer Quotes

I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations. ~ Amy Schumer

The fundamental weakness in the Tea Party machine is the stark difference between what the leaders of the Tea Party elite - plutocrats like the Koch Brothers -want and what the average grassroots Tea Party follower wants. ~ Chuck Schumer

I went to the public schools myself. And they were great for me. ~ Chuck Schumer

... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they don't need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren't alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they're in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor. ~ Amy Schumer

Democrats don't relate to middle-class people. ~ Chuck Schumer

You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of shit. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you've been wearing a very wrong size your whole fucking life. You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else's heart. The first time someone you love dies. The ~ Amy Schumer

Most German perpetrators were never punished or rewarded for their behavior, but they had learned something about themselves. They know what they did or didn't do in the most morally fraught moment of their lives. They have seen themselves in extreme circumstances and, in that, they have seen their own extremes. ~ Fern Schumer Chapman

Wall Street excesses helped lead to the Great Recession. ~ Chuck Schumer

Republicans always try to paint Democrats as weak on defense. This time, they can't. After all, Mitt Romney's idea of an overseas accomplishment is sending U.S. jobs there. ~ Chuck Schumer

When one has success, the answer is not to undo that success. It is to continue what has been done. ~ Chuck Schumer

If we say the Geneva Convention is obsolete, then what do others who have our soldiers say? ~ Chuck Schumer

I'm sure in the past I've said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can't deliver. I'm sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There's something beautiful about truly being there for another person. ~ Amy Schumer

I want to attract the best people into teaching. ~ Chuck Schumer

I think it's a little insulting, a bit insulting to American workers when Rand Paul says that unemployment insurance is a disservice. ~ Chuck Schumer

My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better. ~ Amy Schumer

The 2014 election was not a repudiation of government in general. ~ Chuck Schumer

Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you. ~ Jon Corzine

My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master's degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half. ~ Amy Schumer

I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head. ~ Amy Schumer

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled. ~ Wendy Liebman

Laughter is the best way to get over something or get closer to something. It's one of the things I respect most about Amy Schumer. She's found a way to get us closer to ourselves and see the ugly side of humanity, but not in a way that's pointing a finger or that's angry. She does it in a way that makes us see the absurdity and laugh at it. ~ Brie Larson

When someone takes a private photo, on a private cell phone, it should remain just that: private. ~ Chuck Schumer

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes. ~ Amy Schumer

I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression towards women. I don't really know where that comes from, but I feel a total responsibility, and I'm gonna do my part, to continue on the path that I'm on. ~ Amy Schumer

I understand what I'm saying here. Feeling this way is a theme in every girl's life, I think, and at that age, you think there's some other version of yourself that is waiting to come out and blow everyone's dick off. I am so glad this is almost fifteen years ago and I know myself and my body now. Sorry, girls this age, but if you can, just skip the self-hatred and the striving to be some other type of girl. Just let that phase pass you by and love yourself how you are. Don't waste any energy on it. If you want to lose a little weight, fine. Make sure you are healthy, but fuck, skip all the rest. You are hot and the person who will love you won't notice ten pounds. I really promise. ~ Amy Schumer

Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright. ~ Amy Schumer

I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me. ~ Amy Schumer

In fourth grade, I had a talk with the school psychologist about all the things that actively terrified me . . . After our session, he handed my mom a list of all my fears . . . Highest (and most memorable) on the list was the specific fear that I'd accidentally churn myself into butter. This was inspired by a creepy antique children's book called Little Black Sambo, which is one of those stories from the simpler, more racist times of yore when people wrote frightening, insulting tales to help children fall asleep at night. It was highly popular back in the day and has since been rightly banned or taken out of circulation. But my mom had a copy lying around. It's about a boy who goes on an adventure and ends up getting chased by tigers, who circle and circle around a tree so fast that they churn themselves into a pool of butter, which the boy then takes home for his mother to use to make pancakes. Like ya do. Anyway, I was always riddled with fear that I'd somehow be transformed into melted butter, which now doesn't really sound like that much of a bummer. It sounds more like how I'd like to spend my last twenty-four hours on this earth. ~ Amy Schumer

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty. ~ Amy Schumer

I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around. ~ Amy Schumer

Well, the tough thing for them is that the Republican primary is pretty far over to the right, just as the Democratic primary is further over to the left than the average voter in each party. ~ Chuck Schumer

I feel very strongly that we need to change the way we do trade because it has been one of the major factors that lead to decline of middle class incomes. ~ Charles Schumer

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked. ~ Amy Schumer

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea
he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band. ~ Amy Schumer

One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time. ~ Amy Schumer

I'd like to see the health care professionals making decisions, not some bureaucrat in Indianapolis working for an insurance company. ~ Chuck Schumer

What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this "problem" for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it. ~ Amy Schumer

I told him that it was a rude question and we went back and forth a little bit, and of course, if you do anything other than just smile and nod and thank them for their time, if you actually have an unfavorable or emotional response to a rude question, the shit hits the fan. People react as if you obviously can't take the heat and need to get out of the kitchen. But I've never been a smile-and-nod type of girl, nor have I ever been one to get out of the kitchen. ~ Amy Schumer

I told the President, I told Rahm Emanuel and others in the administration that I thought the policy they took to try to bring about negotiations is counter-productive, because when you give the Palestinians hope that the United States will do its negotiating for them, they are not going to sit down and talk. ~ Chuck Schumer

I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship. ~ Amy Schumer

So I want my kids to go to public schools because I think it's a better education overall. ~ Chuck Schumer

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month. ~ Amy Schumer

I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologizing for. Because guess what? We all have that shit. We're all human beings. ~ Amy Schumer

You have to show Israel that it's not going to be forced to do things it doesn't want to do and can't do. ~ Chuck Schumer

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

We certainly want those at the top to do well, but if you base your entire presidency and your entire economic platform on helping them do even better, you're missing what makes the economy tick. Because not everyone has been as fortunate as Mitt Romney, you cannot base your whole approach on a life experience as rarified as his. ~ Chuck Schumer

You know, my name ... comes from the word shomer, guardian, watcher. My ancestors were guardians of the ghetto wall in Chortkov. And I believe Hashem [Orthodox for God] actually gave me that name. One of my roles, very important in the United States senate, is to be a shomer
to be a or the shomer Yisrael. And I will continue to be that with every bone in my body ... ~ Charles Schumer

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque. ~ Amy Schumer

Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us. ~ Amy Schumer

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be. ~ Amy Schumer

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot. ~ Amy Schumer

Ironically, the tattoo represents the opposite for me today. It reminds me that it's important to let yourself be vulnerable, to lose control and make a mistake. It reminds me that, as Whitman would say, I contain multitudes and I always will. I'm a level-one introvert who headlined Madison Square Garden - and was the first woman comic to do so. I'm the 'overnight success' who's worked her ass off every single waking moment for more than a decade. I used to shoplift the kind of clothing that people now request I wear to give them free publicity. I'm the SLUT or SKANK who's only had one one-night stand. I'm a 'plus-size' 6 on a good day, and a medium-size 10 on an even better day. I've suffered the identical indignities of slinging rib eyes for a living and hustling laughs for cash. I'm a strong, grown-ass woman who's been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by men and women I trusted and cared about. I've broken hearts and had mine broken, too.
Beautiful, ugly, funny, boring, smart or not, my vulnerability is my ultimate strength. There's nothing anyone can say about me that's more permanent, damaging, or hideous than the statement I have forever tattooed upon myself. I'm proud of this ability to laugh at myself - even if everyone can see my tears, just like they can see my dumb, senseless, whack, lame lower back tattoo. ~ Amy Schumer

I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless. ~ Amy Schumer

It was especially striking to me to learn that gun violence is specifically a women's issue: women in America are eleven times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other developed nations. ~ Amy Schumer

I am not special just because I'm famous right now. ~ Amy Schumer

Mitt Romney's only bottom line is the one at the end of his own bank statement. The problem is that he confuses his own narrow, self-interest - and that of people like him - with the national interest. He thinks as long as we do right by the Mitt Romneys of the world, America will be just fine. ~ Chuck Schumer

Looking back now, I'm horrified that she let me play that role. To allow your thirteen-year-old to be your support system while you are simultaneously ripping her world apart is not a kind thing to do. I ~ Amy Schumer

You know, we have three branches of government. We have a House. We have a Senate. We have a President. ~ Chuck Schumer

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does? ~ Amy Schumer

She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake. ~ Amy Schumer

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride? ~ Amy Schumer

women in America are eleven times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other developed nations. In the eighteen states that require background checks for all handgun sales, 46 percent fewer women are shot and killed by intimate partners than in the states that do not. ~ Amy Schumer

I'm totally opposed to vouchers. I will fight them tooth and nail. ~ Chuck Schumer

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will. ~ Amy Schumer

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. ~ Amy Schumer

America is a place where we all come together. It is a place of consensus. ~ Chuck Schumer

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh. ~ Amy Schumer

He rose grumpily, fell to the floor, and crawled. I looked at his exposed butt crack, a dark unkempt abyss that I was falling into. I was short of breath. I felt paralyzed. His asshole was a canyon. This was my 127 hours. I needed to chip away at the rock and get out. ~ Amy Schumer

I made education the highest priority of my campaign - actually education and jobs - and the reason is a simple one: I think the future of America depends on it. ~ Chuck Schumer

Imagine how a Teddy Kennedy or a Bill Clinton would take the news that one woman in ten, say, has the power to resist his blandishments by deadly force, and you'll get a perfect idea of how a Charles Schumer or a George Bush feels about armed taxpayers. ~ L. Neil Smith

Giving up even an ounce of precious freedom is a very serious thing to do. ~ Chuck Schumer

You shoot saltwater in your ass? ~ Amy Schumer

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that. ~ Amy Schumer

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. ~ Amy Schumer

I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you. ~ Amy Schumer

I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about. ~ Amy Schumer

One of the most troubling aspects of the Rubio-Schumer Gang of Eight Bill was that it gave President [Barack] Obama blanket authority to admit refugees, including Syrian refugees without mandating any background checks whatsoever. Now we've seen what happened in San Bernardino. When you are letting people in, when the FBI can't vet them, it puts American citizens at risk. ~ Ted Cruz

The living take a part of the dead with them, carrying them around in their minds, like a song that lingers after the music has been turned off. ~ Fern Schumer Chapman

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years. ~ Amy Schumer

Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments - the American people really don't care. ~ Chuck Schumer

It's relaxing sometimes, just being human. ~ Amy Schumer

Well, I think it's too early to call Fallujah a failure. ~ Chuck Schumer

The dome of the U.S. Capitol has fallen into severe disrepair ... As the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration, which oversees matters of the Capitol's physical plant, I have serious concerns about the consequences of omitting this funding from the stopgap spending measure. ~ Chuck Schumer

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. ~ Lewis Black

If I were running against Chuck Schumer. I would take every one of his Sunday press releases - and there are 52 for as many years as he's been there - and I would ask, 'How many of the things he said he was proposing became law?' I doubt many. ~ Ed Koch

RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife. ~ Amy Schumer

The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'. ~ Amy Schumer

I'm of the belief that in most industries, women have to work twice as hard to get half the credit. After putting in so much effort to make a good movie, it felt pretty demeaning when they called it a "female comedy." This meaningless label painted me into a corner and forced me to speak for all females, because I am the actual FEMALE who wrote the FEMALE comedy and then starred as the lead FEMALE in that FEMALE comedy. They don't ask Seth Rogen to be ALL MEN! They don't make "men's comedies." They don't ask Ben Stiller, "Hey, Ben, what was your message for all male-kind when you pretended to have diarrhea and chased that ferret in Along Came Polly? ~ Amy Schumer

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant. ~ Amy Schumer

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion. ~ Amy Schumer

Mitt Romney would move the Court even further right, putting landmark decisions like Roe v. Wade at risk. Some say Romney would repeat the past. I disagree - he'd be worse. ~ Chuck Schumer

If other cows with mad cow disease were slaughtered, we wouldn't know where to begin looking for people who might have been affected, .. With a comprehensive tracking system, we would. ~ Charles Schumer

My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. ~ Amy Schumer

But these days there are a lot of younger people who would like to go into teaching but don't because the economic opportunities are sometimes elsewhere. ~ Chuck Schumer

I basically believe that until China stop stealing our intellectual property, and until they stop keeping our companies out that do good things, the amount we will gain from export jobs is minimized, and the amount we lose in middle class incomes is maximized. ~ Charles Schumer

What the public hates the most is when they think the politicians aren't listening to them. They understand that we can't solve all their problems with a snap of our fingers, but they sure want us to try because we are public servants. ~ Chuck Schumer

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde. ~ Amy Schumer

We are on the precipice of a crisis, a Constitutional crisis. The checks and balances, which have been at the core of this Republic, are about to be evaporated by the nuclear option. The checks and balances that say if you get 51% of the vote, you don't get your way 100% of the time. It is amazing, it's almost a temper tantrum. ~ Chuck Schumer

Seeing the people I love happy. 4. ~ Amy Schumer

The vast majority of the people employed by Wall Street are the secretary who goes in to work on the Long Island Rail Road, who makes fifty, sixty, seventy thousand dollars a year. ~ Chuck Schumer