Adult Humor Quotes

Oh, I don't mean to infer that you're not a great guy. I'm sure you're the exception to the rule. ~ Jaye Frances

Once we were young, now we are adult. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Sometimes i pretend to be childish just for some shits! ~ Kimmy

Speak kindly to with adult women as you would to your mother. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum! We made it to Hollywood, time to give these aliens the golden boot!" - Angel from the Thousand Years War ~ Angel Ramon Medina

Don't you have a house to blow down? ~ Angela Parkhurst

Treasure the beauty of youthful life and the wisdom of adulthood. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Teeth were created to be shown. ~ Lydhia Marie

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. "Let's just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major stalker vibes, which is odd because you're gay. You are gay, right?"
He narrowed his eyes at me and waved his hand in the direction of his 'muse' as he stated, "I don't want any part of that thing. I just want to honor it for being the only known thing in existence to be touched by the dick of a god. ~ M.C. Lavocat

Time flies when you're masturbating. ~ Green Monk

I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last. ~ Flora Roberts

Nick's job is super dull. He mostly takes care of answering the phone and doing filing, and stapling things. Sometimes the things don't even need stapling, but Nick does it anyway. He makes shiny little railroad tracks along the tops of documents. His record is thirty-eight staples on one thing. Then he picked thirty-seven of them out again because he remembered he was supposed to be professional.
Adulting is hard.
The struggle is real. ~ Lisa Henry

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. ~ M.C. Lavocat

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. ~ Steven Wright

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Women like clothes, they like shoes, they like flowers and they like people to look at them and think,'God, she's gorgeous.' The more people who think that, the better it is. The one day in your life where you get all that rolled up into one is your wedding day. And it
comes with jewelry and presents and ends
with a vacation where it's practically law that you have to wear fabulous underwear and have lots of sex. ~ Kristen Ashley

To her, not packing our lunches every day or joining the PTA is a feminist rallying cry. ~ Christina Lauren

We did not, of course, speak Mandarin, but the question "What the hell do you think you're doing?" has a familiar ring in any language. The mere idea of even attempting to account for ourselves defeated us. We settled instead for explaining, by means of elaborate mime and sign language, that we were barking mad. This worked. He accepted it, but then hung around in the background to watch us anyway. ~ Douglas Adams

Is there a short-eared koobish, then?'
Mmmyes ... ' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.'
We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up. ~ Adam Rex

First of all, let's get one thing straight. Your Italy and our Italia are not the same thing. Italy is a soft drug peddled in predictable packages, such as hills in the sunset, olive groves, lemon trees, white wine, and raven-haired girls. Italia, on the other hand, is a maze. It's alluring, but complicated. It's the kind of place that can have you fuming and then purring in the space of a hundred meters, or in the course of ten minutes. Italy is the only workshop in the world that can turn out both Botticellis and Berlusconis. ~ Beppe Severgnini

And Daniel?" She asked.
"Daniel was a player-"
"Hey!"
"That's what they called the actors." Bill rolled his eyes. ~ Lauren Kate

You can survive up to three weeks without food. You can only survive for three days without water. No one knows how many days you can survive without caffeine. ~ Andrew Shaffer

I've protected my protracted period of infancy. For many years. And I have no desire to become an adult. ~ David Gordon Green

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child. ~ Emo Philips

One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies'
is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent. ~ Lemony Snicket

Annoyed?" said Sophie. "Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me? ~ Diana Wynne Jones

Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.
Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left. ~ Simone Elkeles

Humor is a show of both strength and of vulnerability: you are willing to make the first move but you are trusting in the response of your listener. ~ Gina Barreca

Gokudera: Anyway I don't like that guy.
Tsuna: Huh? Why not?
Gokudera: Anyone older than me is my enemy.
Tsuna: [shocked - thinking to himself] God! That's alot of enemies! ~ Akira Amano

Hershey is so bent on avoiding cliché that each sentence is as tortured as an American whistleblower. ~ David Mitchell

I feel like you're trying to convince me that we don't need condoms, but fuck that. If you impregnate me, I'm going to devour " you like a praying mantis." I pin Zeph against the wall and kiss her hard, because her threatening to kill or mutilate me is always so hot. ~ Gisele Walko

Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

That's the unforgivable sin, you know."
"What is?"
"Refusing to forgive someone."
"Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously. ~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

The fish in the creek said nothing. Fish never do. Few people know what fish think about injustice, or anything else. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

He had a marvelously versatile gift for forgetting things. ~ Heywood Broun

To Beverly Reingold, again and always, and this time to Abby Sider, too ~ Claudia Mills

Hey, look, I thought with a miserable laugh, this day just got worse. ~ Diana Rowland

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi! ~ Jill Conner Browne

They were the kind of couple you rolled your eyes at. The couple you wanted to punch square in their perfect noses, but secretly hoped would become your new best friends and invite you to a private dinner party where you'd eat something made with truffle oil and share a rueful laugh about the party scene in Ibiza. ~ Matt K. Turner

I asked to use the bathroom and sat, recovering, on the edge of a marble bath on a dais - the kind Greek husbands are slain in. ~ Olivia Sudjic

People who make snide comments to authors like "anyone can write a book" or "well, you did it, so obviously I can/it can't be that hard" or poke at a book because it's "romance" or "genre fiction" and act like that somehow makes it substandard because they don't read it ... well, ok, go ahead. Write a bestseller. Don't forget to go through the correct edit process. We'll wait. ~ Michelle M. Pillow

My lesbian translator must be on the fritz. Is that code for your period? Instead of calling it an Alexandria Tampon how about a bloody Mary?" He snaps his fingers and continues, "This bloody Mary is giving me the cramps or Damn you, bloody Mary for ruining my sex life."
Robert Marshall, Flapper Girls ~ Candace Cloud

She needs tampons. Evidently it helps with this process. We have to secure the location of where they are being sold, acquire them and then get them back to my mate posthaste. ~ Alanea Alder

I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out. ~ Robert Frost

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans. ~ George W. Bush

Children are not undeveloped versions of adult people: they are a different race of beings: they are children. ~ Nan Fairbrother

Behind every great man is a great woman' but in front of every great man should be a spectacular woman ~ Josh Stern