Latecomers Funny Quotes

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird. ~ Lauren Ambrose As Claire Fisher

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases. ~ T. Colin Campbell

John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.' ~ Stephen Merchant

Let's put to rest one cliché. You can sell refrigerators to Eskimos. The people of Savoonga are Yupiks, the westernmost of the Eskimo tribes, closer to Siberians than American Eskimos in their appearance, and their customs, and their distinctive, liquidly sibilant native language. And, yes, they all have refrigerators. In the winter, food gets freezer burn if left out in the elements. Eskimos need refrigerators to keep their food warm. ~ Gene Weingarten

Research for fiction is a funny thing: you go looking for one piece of information, and find something altogether different. ~ Nell Freudenberger

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers

Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous. ~ Jennifer Coolidge

I wonder why Steven wasn't at swimming club tonight?" Archie asked.
"He's caught bronchitis," Mrs Akran said.
Imran thought for a second before replying. "I would like to catch a dinosaur too. I wonder what he feeds it?"
Archie looked at his friend his face looked as if he was in pain before he burst out laughing. "Imran you're tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it's not a type of dinosaur. ~ Mark A. Cooper

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.' ~ Marc Maron

I have no pleasure in any man who despises music. It is no invention of ours: it is a gift of God. I place it next to theology. Satan hates music: he knows how it drives the evil spirit out of us. ~ Martin Luther

No one here is allowed to die without my permission. ~ Doug MacLeod

Pick this one, she vibrates! ~ Erica Larsen

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing. ~ Fran Lebowitz

My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor. ~ Kevin Hearne

It's so funny how my name has always been such a big deal. When I was growing up, my family was always moving. I had to meet new people all the time. And they'd laugh. ~ Calista Flockhart

If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia. ~ Dana Marie Bell

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

All problems with writing and performing come from fear. Fear of exposure, fear of weakness, fear of lack of talent, fear of looking like a fool for trying, for even thinking you could write in the first place. It's all fear. If we didn't have fear, imagine the creativity in the world. Fear holds us back every step of the way. A lot of studies say that despite all our fears in this country - death, war, guns, illness - our biggest fear is public speaking. What I am doing right now. And when people are asked to identify which kind of public speaking they are most afraid of, they check the improvisation box. So improvisation is the number-one fear in America. Forget a nuclear winter or an eight-point nine earthquake or another Hitler. It's improv. Which is funny, because aren't we just improvising all day long? Isn't our whole life just one long improvisation? What are we so scared of? ~ Lily King

Pie in a bed of raw onions. Human skull looking put-upon.
Howl ~ Diana Wynne Jones

Lifetime called. They want their movie of the week back. ~ Kelly Moran

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. ~ Mitch Hedberg

it is funny how things are always perfect as long as you keep quiet. And then, what's the point in having an awesome lover when you do not let yourself admit it, even to your closest friends? And, if you do not kiss and tell, are your affairs real, or nothing more than bedroom distractions; check-in before midnight, check-out before 9 AM? ~ Gina Wings

Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?"
"I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!"
"Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge.
"Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up ... Read the next question!" ...
"What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?"
"'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that."
"We have to answer in proper sentences."
"'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways! ~ Hilary McKay

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady. ~ Honore De Balzac

On the ground, Cash gave a signal, and all the guys lined up by the pool. In unison, they stripped off their shirts and tossed them onto the grass. An audible sigh- like the ones you hear on a sitcom that is "filmed in front of a live studio audience"- filled the room. It was almost funny, really. Such a strong reaction to a bunch of shirtless boys. ~ Kody Keplinger

Now keep in mind, memories aren't historical archives. They're - improvisations, really. A lot of the stuff you associate with a particular event might be factually wrong, no matter how clearly you remember it. The brain has a funny habit of building composites. Inserting details after the fact. But that's not to say your memories aren't true, okay? They're an honest reflection of how you saw the world, and every one of them went into shaping how you see it. But they're not photographs. More like impressionist paintings. Okay? ~ Peter Watts

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! ~ Mike Birbiglia

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? ~ George Carlin

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' ~ Conan O'Brien

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. ~ Chelsea Handler