Humor Australia Quotes

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? ~ Steven Wright

Never complain, never explain personal motto of ~ Kerry Packer

By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don't have any substantive dimension to them ~ Kevin Rudd

Such are the foolish dreams of idealistic children who believe that anything can possibly get better over time. ~ Joseph Fink

Why is it that churches and religions and that whole gang behave as if they have got the whole God knowledge down. I mean what kind of arrogance is that? ~ Art Hochberg

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury. ~ Sophie Kinsella

Are you so busy fighting you cannot see your own ship has set sail? ~ Uncle Iroh

If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place. ~ Aviva Moore

Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I'm not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I'm going to look like I'm walking around with an enormous load in my pants. ~ Meg Cabot

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. ~ Lois Greiman

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. ~ Oscar Wilde

And what if Aaron drank from the unwilling? If he killed men and women – what then?"
"I don't know that he did." Kalina turned to face him. They drove on. "It sounds like he stuck to Vampire Wine. Which is more than I can say for you."
"Listen," said Jaegar. "You eat your steak. I'll eat my humans. You don't need to get self-righteous with me. As far as I'm concerned – you're just food."
"I'm food that can talk. And in any case – you don't seem to make up your mind whether you want to sleep with me or have me for dinner."
"Both, really. ~ Kailin Gow

If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it. ~ Andy Weir

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out." ~ Jim Gaffigan

When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work. ~ Brandon Mull

He smiled. "You're into me, I can tell."
"I'm not into you," I said hotly. Hotly, because as soon as the words left my lips, sparklers erupted on top of my head.
Hudson looked at them, and a grin spread across his face. The baby cooed and reached out, trying to grab the flaring light. Hudson moved farther away. "Don't touch. Just look at Mommy's pretty liar hat."
He was enjoying this way too much. "Okay," I said. "Maybe I like you a little."
The sparklers dimmed, but didn't go out.
Hudson raised an eyebrow.
"All right," I said, nervously eyeing the area to make sure no one saw us. "I'm into you."
The sparklers died, but I didn't wait around for more commentary. I headed to the inn. Behind me I heard Hudson still talking to the baby. "Yes, we like Mommy's flaming hairdo, don't we? ~ Janette Rallison

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends. ~ Adam Ferrara

No spoilers!" "It's history!" "History that I don't know. ~ Becky Albertalli

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days. ~ Diana Pharaoh Francis

She reminded Juliet of the parrot the shopkeeper owned. Both the woman and bird belonged in cages, preferably the same cage, so the bird could poop on all that velvet and lace. ~ Jordan Elizabeth Mierek

Be careful of averages and how they're applied. One way that they can fool you is if the average combines samples from disparate populations. This can lead to absurd observations such as:
"On average, humans have one testicle. ~ Daniel J. Levitin

We're starting to push the envelope in terms of the expectations, and you can also have your own style, personality and sense of humor, because now we're allowed to. ~ Lisa Guerrero

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking 'What would the founding fathers do,' but I have yet to witness a single séance. ~ Bauvard

We were developing a machine that used egg white, heat and sugar to synthesize methanol when a power surge caused an implosion. Owens was meringued. By the time we chipped him out the poor chap had expired. ~ Jasper Fforde

Where would we be without our painful childhoods? ~ Rebecca McNutt

In the first years of our lives we learn how to shit, talk, walk, sleep, eat and, most importantly, how to royally piss off our parents. ~ A.G. Phillips

For most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

The statement 'There is nothing more American than an Indian' happens to be a multidimensional paradox. Try and not say too many of those. That might open your mind to ideas that could cause sanity point loss. ~ Charles Slagle

The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent. ~ Emily Bronte

Everyone thinks to the extent of their own depravity," #HenriettaLedyanova , #FatefulItalianPassion . ~ Olga Goa

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more ... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.
[I saw hate in a graveyard
Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005] ~ Stephen Fry

I went to a lot of different high schools. I had quite a sporadic schooling experience. I went to school in England briefly, to boarding school, and I went to a few different ones in Australia as well. I'm really lucky! I have friends in most countries. ~ Alice Englert

You're making me rethink my stance against cold-blooded homicide. ~ Gena Showalter

Hardy! Hardy - " He had come for me. I nearly lost it then. In the wild torrent of relief and gratitude, there were at least a dozen things I wanted to tell him at once. But the first thing that came out was a fervent, "I'm so sorry I didn't have sex with you."
I heard his low laugh. "I am too. But honey, there are a couple of maintenance guys with me who can hear every word we're saying."
"I don't care," I said desperately. "Get me out of here and I swear I'll sleep with you. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I don't believe in magic. ~ J.K. Rowling

He said he talked to Jesus all the time. Even when he was driving his car. That killed me. I just see the big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs. ~ J.D. Salinger

If somebody doesn't call me a bitch once a day, I figure I'm not doing my job. ~ J.D. Robb

Because of their DNA, most men loved a damsel in distress. Every time a man sees a pretty lass in trouble, even the boorish slob-of-a-man transforms into a chivalrous knight-in-shining-armour. This was why most women (no matter how strong, competent or resourceful) were forced to act shy, demure and helpless so that their men could feel like strong grizzly bears or ferocious mountain lions. ~ Mallika Nawal

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Honest change? Honest? Has someone altered the definition of the word while my back was turned, or have you recently developed a sense of humor? ~ Ellen Kushner

The world's full of wonder, he said. Or at least horror that looks wondrous from afar. ~ Luke Scull

Mister Dresden," he said. "And Miss Rodriguez, I believe. I didn't realize you were an art collector."
"I am the foremost collector of velvet Elvii in the city of Chicago," I said at once.
"Elvii?" Marcone inquired.
"The plural could be Elvises, I guess," I said. "But if I say that too often, I start muttering to myself and calling things 'my precious,' so I usually go with the Latin plural. ~ Jim Butcher