Bob Hope Quotes

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. ~ Bob Hope

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything. ~ Bob Hope

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded. ~ Bob Hope

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. ~ Bob Hope

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members. ~ Bob Hope

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold. ~ Bob Hope

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. ~ Bob Hope

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up. ~ Bob Hope

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right. ~ Bob Hope

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf. ~ Bob Hope

And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost. ~ Bob Hope

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it. ~ Bob Hope

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. ~ Bob Hope

To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two. ~ Bob Hope

Dealing with sketch comedy and buddy teams like Abbott and Costello, Bob Hope and Bing Crosby - I just loved buddy comedies. ~ Drake Bell

I'll be like Bob Hope, touring when I'm 100. ~ Dolly Parton

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead. ~ Bob Hope

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends. ~ Bob Hope

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me. ~ Bob Hope

if you were to be loved be loveable ~ Bob Hope

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it. ~ Bob Hope

Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls. ~ Bob Hope

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? ~ Bob Hope

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score. ~ Bob Hope

The very phrase 'Oscar night' used to accelerate my pulse. For one thing - dating myself - it meant Bob Hope. He always had good, strong jokes, that faultless delivery, and always a new joke about his own films' failure - once again - to be honored. ~ Dick Cavett

When you get over 95, every day is your day. ~ Bob Hope

Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh, if you had thought to of that, you'd not be here now. ~ Bob Hope

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. ~ Bob Hope

Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency. ~ Bob Hope

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade. ~ Bob Hope

Bob Hope has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it's off the tee. ~ Jimmy Demaret

It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded. ~ Bob Hope

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. ~ Bob Hope

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies ~ Bob Hope

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. ~ Bob Hope

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career. ~ Bob Hope

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. " ~ Bob Hope

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. ~ Bob Hope

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me. ~ Bob Hope

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes. ~ Bob Hope

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation. ~ Bob Hope

It was a typically British birth ... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward ... I came out in sympathy. ~ Bob Hope

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world. ~ Bob Hope

It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV. ~ Bob Hope

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better. ~ Bob Hope

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. ~ Bob Hope

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed. ~ Bob Hope

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake. ~ Bob Hope

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show. ~ Bob Hope

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. ~ Bob Hope

I combined theatre and films with live TV, such as 'The Royal Variety Show,' performing sketches opposite Bob Hope and Maurice Chevalier. ~ Shirley Eaton

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream. ~ Bob Hope

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete." ~ Bob Hope

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas. ~ Bob Hope

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.' ~ Larry The Cable Guy

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing! ~ Bob Hope

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~ Bob Hope

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents. ~ Bob Hope

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. ~ Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~ Bob Hope

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that? ~ Bob Hope

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top. ~ Bob Hope

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses? ~ Bob Hope

I'm a huge Bob Hope fan, up until about the late '50s. I've seen so many of his movies up until then, and they're a big influence on me and a big influence on Woody Allen, who is basically just ripping off Bob Hope for his first five or six movies. ~ Scott Aukerman

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House. ~ Bob Hope

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! ~ Bob Hope

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip. ~ Bob Hope

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg. ~ Mort Sahl

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags. ~ Bob Hope

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them. ~ Bob Hope

On August 28, 2010, Fox News messiah Glenn Beck hosted a 'Restoring Honor' revival meeting featuring sexy guest star Sarah Palin, much as Bob Hope would roll out Raquel Welch in white go-go boots on his U.S.O. tours to give our fighting men a morale lift in their khakis. ~ James Wolcott

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers ... ~ Bob Hope

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything. ~ Bob Hope

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? ~ Bob Hope

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. ~ Bob Hope

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned. ~ Bob Hope

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~ Bob Hope

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with. ~ Bob Hope

You spell Bob Hope C-L-A-S-S. ~ Lucille Ball

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better. ~ Bob Hope

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon. ~ Milton Berle

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag. ~ Bob Hope

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets. ~ Bob Hope

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family. ~ Bob Hope

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is. ~ Bob Hope

I can still chase women, only downhill ~ Bob Hope

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. ~ Bob Hope

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one. ~ Bob Hope

Television. That's where movies go when they die. ~ Bob Hope

Bob Hope was a blackface comedian. He abandoned it only because he was late for a gig: 'I missed the streetcar to this theater one night and I didn't have time to put the blackface on. Mike Shea, who booked all the theaters, said, "Don't ever put that stuff on your face anymore because your expressions after a joke are priceless. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. ~ Bob Hope

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons. ~ Bob Hope

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug. ~ Bob Hope

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. ~ Bob Hope

I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny. ~ Bob Hope

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life. ~ Bob Hope

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time. ~ Bob Hope

If they liked you, they didn't applaud
they let you live. ~ Bob Hope

I'm from Los Angeles ... I don't trust any air I can't see. ~ Bob Hope

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before. ~ Bob Hope