Acquaintances Humor Quotes

I felt about him as I might feel about a friendly, dimwitted dog that had decided to move in with us. He could not be cast out into the street, but he was shedding all over the furniture. ~ Elizabeth Peters

William: You'd look better with your hair chopped off.
Reggie: You'd look better with your face chopped off. ~ Richmal Crompton

For the first time Rincewind saw the troll.
It wasn't half so bad as he had imagined.
Umm, said his imagination after a while.
It wasn't that the troll was horrifying. Instead of the rotting, betentacled monstrosity he had been expecting Rincewind found himself looking at a rather squat but not particularly ugly old man who would quite easily have passed for normal on any city street, always provided that other people on the street were used to seeing old men who were apparently composed of water and very little else. It was as if the ocean had decided to create life without going through all that tedious business of evolution, and had simply formed a part of itself into a biped and sent it walking squishily up the beach.
( ... ) How does he hold himself together, his mind screamed at him. Why doesn't he spill? ~ Terry Pratchett

Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists. ~ George W. Bush

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. ~ Kristen Schaal

I gave up on being Nice. I started putting more value on other qualities instead: passion, bravery, intelligence, practicality, humor, patience, fairness, sensitivity. Those ~ Anna Kendrick

I touched my scalp where Sula had wrapped the cloth. It still burned, but it made me feel important. I'd been wounded in combat. Anyone could break a leg or dislocate a sholder, but how many people get shot? I could tell by the way Will was looking at me that he was impressed too and not a little bit jealous. I would have quickly traded the head wound, however, for a glass of clean water. ~ Cameron Stracher

Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten. ~ Brian South

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked - but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:
Dear Scumbag Thieves,
If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.
The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver's seat with this message:
Here's $500. It's the best we can do until the holidays.
P.S. Get some decent tires, why don't you. We couldn't sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them. ~ Molly Meadows

So I see you got to know Trish on a pretty intimate level tonight," Max said, focusing her attention back on the present as they made their way down the deserted roads back to her house.
"She was definitely…friendly."
What Landon casually defined as friendly was what Max more accurately described as molestation. Her hands had disappeared under the table, rubbing his leg or whatever she was doing, more times than she spent holding her damn cards. Landon's indifference to the whole thing was entirely impossible to read. Was he enjoying the attention? Wouldn't any man? Not that it was any of her business. Landon was just some guy that she'd let stay with her for a few days. The fact that he was good-looking was irrelevant. Trish could have him for all she cared as long as they kept the indecencies out of her house.
"Well, don't you worry about her. She's a bit of a flirt when she's drunk. I'm pretty sure she'd hit on a monkey."
"You just compared me to a monkey and you don't want me to worry?"
"You know what I mean."
"I'm sorry, I don't."
"Don't tell me that girls like that actually appeal to you."
"Jealous?"
"Hardly," Max shot back defensively. "I just pegged you for a man with higher standards that's all." She couldn't really say why she'd chosen to share her opinion. No harm in giving the guy a little warning, right?
"You've pegged me for a lot of things. ~ Shawn Kirsten Maravel

For a reputed rogue, you're damnably hard to seduce. ~ Erica Monroe

I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact. ~ Hugh Grant

Well, certainly, even separate from what our culture is going through, kids have different personalities and different natural bents and skill sets that they seem to come pre-programmed with. One of my two sons is very athletic. The other one is into social skills and humor. ~ Alex Kendrick

Kelsier: "You've got to have some idea what I could try, Fuzz."
God: "What did you just call me?"
Kelsier: "Fuzz, I've got to try something."
Fuzz/God: "You could try 'My Lord,'" Fuzz said with a huff."
Kelsier: "That's a terrible nickname for a crew member."
...
"So," Fuzz said. "You are not only the first person to punch me, you're also the first to try and recruit me. You are a distinctively strange man."
Kelsier: " You don't know my friends... ~ Brandon Sanderson

Foxy, you made me blow a load in my jeans. ~ Sherilee Gray

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. ~ Neil Gaiman

Humor is a tonic for life's trials. Laughter is the music of the soul. May your day have plenty of each ~ Richard Farley

All that is required of you is an open mind and a little patience. ~ F.K. Preston

Don't worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever.
Neville Fletcher ~ Georgette Heyer

He's a ghost, not a carnival magician.
-Benny Imura ~ Jonathan Maberry

The human brain is like a freight car, guaranteed to carry a certain capacity but often running empty. ~ Lorraine Gokul

I think I might be bi-polar. It's not normal to be this emotionally unstable. ~ Michelle N. Onuorah

Jean smirked and raised an eyebrow at Leor. "Would you like to fly through the Louvre?"
Leor couldn't perceive how that would even be possible. But Jean would inevitably find a way. "No, no!" Leor ardently replied. "Let's just land there and take a walk. Look at some statues, get some air."
"Ah, but do we not have plenty of air, flowing around up here in the skies?" Jean asked, diving down towards the Seine, and then sharply pulling up along one of the slopes.
"Would you like me to vomit again?" Leor asked, with a hand near his mouth. ~ Zechariah Barrett

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, so close!" she said, her smile getting wider. "But close only counts in horseshoes and dragon fire. ~ James Riley

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy ~ Josh Stern

Excuse me soldiers, but do you mind stepping away from your lady friends?"
We were here for the prostitutes.
"And why should we do that crypt Keeper? ~ Khalia Hades

Don't expect the unexpected. Let the unexpected expect you. ~ Kiara S. Maharaj

If a man can't love you for who you are, he's not worth The Dior Gloss. ~ Leah Marie Brown

Mother Nature is a freaky lady who probably created pot so she could spend all her time smoking it. ~ Seanan McGuire

Do you know why I love mathematics?"
"Because it blew your mind for free when you couldn't get drugs?"
Eccles snorted in surprise. "Well, yes, but there's another reason. ~ Brendan Halpin

Sometimes in life, you either laugh or you cry. And I prefer to laugh. ~ Jim Stovall

Men always think I'm too demanding... but all I ask is that they treat me like the goddess I am. ~ Kathy Shaskan

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is not his anymore, and that the crisis is him. ~ Brock Clarke

Congrats, bro. You've just sold your soul to the devil. Wait. You don't have a soul. ~ Jayde Scott