Store Humor Quotes

CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?
ME: Um, I'm just getting hot dogs.
CASHIER: That'll be four thousand dollars...or you can join our club.
ME: Um, I can't come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I'll join.
CASHIER: It's really convenient. Fill out this personal information for the next ten minutes. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials ... I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months ~ Josh Stern

I couldn't do anything. I'd work in a department store for a couple of weeks, but I couldn't hack it. I couldn't even type! I had no skills whatsoever outside of show business. ~ Helen Reddy

I'm trying like hell to leave a footprint, carbon or otherwise. ~ M.A. Bookout

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! ~ Henny Youngman

If you enjoy books with happy endings than you are better off reading some other book. ~ Lemony Snicket

What's the most important thing in life?" Coleen asked.
"Pie," Charlie said with a grunt. "Pass it, Momma."
Coleen was undeterred and stares at Lena, awaiting an answer.
"Love? Respect?"
Coleen stabbed the table with her finger. "Family. Most of the time, you don't love or respect them, but they're important. ~ Robin Alexander

The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland; while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets) and vice versa. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in mind (and verce visa). ~ W.C. Sellar

Some people say, "I only want to do God's work." How do you know what God's work is?? ~ Art Hochberg

Jerry Seinfeld is amazing in many ways, not the least of them his ability to find humor, and convincing us to find it, too, in the million-and-two details about modern life that under different circumstances might send us into paroxysms of rage. ~ Tom Shales

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments. ~ David Sedaris

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you. ~ Scott Dikkers

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

I had no way to have a sense of humor about The Exorcist. I didn't know how. And this enabled me. ~ Linda Blair

'Foo Kyu' is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence."
"Just think about his poor son, 'Foo Kyu Two.' ~ John Zakour

I am an evil Giraffe. ~ Eddie Izzard

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you're attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret. ~ Colin Nissan

Let's see," mused the dragon, "that doesn't tell us much, does it? What sort of a word is this? Is it an epithet, do you think?"
Gawaine could do no more than nod.
"Why, of course," exclaimed the dragon, "reactionary Republican. ~ Heywood Broun

You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge. ~ J.K. Rowling

Sam LeClaire was a good-looking son of a bitch. ~ Rachel Gibson

You know, I was thinking about my in-laws." I strolled closer, craving his heat. And his scent. And the power that continuously hummed through him like an infinite source of energy. "You know, from your supernatural side? By being married to you, I am Satan's daughter-in-law, Jehova's sister-in-law, and Jesus's aunt by marriage. ~ Darynda Jones

Men come and go but bills are forever. ~ Michael Baisden

You know, my sister and I can't understand what Dawson sees in you. You're just a silly little human." His arm shot out so fast it was a blur, picked up a strand of her hair. "And you're really not even that pretty."
Oh ... oh, that stung more than it should have. Tears burned her eyes as she fought to keep her voice level. "I guess it's a good thing, then. A relationship between us would never work."
His eyes narrowed. "And why is that?"
"Because I'm allergic to assholes. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Embrace your craziness ~ Jennifer Coissiere

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! ~ Elizabeth Peters

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' ~ Mitch Hedberg

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. ~ Bill Bailey

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.) ~ Christopher Moore

Jokes are ideally pleasurable. They are an act of assassination without a corpse, a moment of total annihilation that paradoxically makes anything possible. ~ Penelope Gilliatt

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm thening or nowing. ~ Jasper Fforde

I don't need anybody here."
"Sure you do. Who's going to answer the door while you're asleep in your casket? ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

What in the seven levels of hell did my son see in this place?" Horace asks.
We're standing on the street on Thursday morning, staring up at the house, after taking inventory of the place. From here, I can see five different spots where the brick needs to be repaired and pick out where shingles are missing on the sloped roof. The porch sags, and the windows are dingy. But if I let my eyes go out of focus and ignore all that, I can kinda picture what the place might look like after a little - never mind - a lot of TLC.
"It has good bones?" I suggest.
"It's got old bones," he mutters.
I smirk. "Yeah? So do you. Doesn't mean they're all bad."
He smacks my arm, but he's grinning. "Just wait till you get to be my age, and then tell me how good old bones are. ~ Erica Cameron

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ~ Emo Philips

It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day. ~ Dorothy Parker

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to run away. Or scream, at the very least. Its tail, which was at least three feet long, twitched back and forth in what seemed to be annoyance. Or maybe anticipation. I didn't know. I'd always been more of a dog person.
I cleared my throat, and the panther stopped and flicked up one of its rounded ears. Listening.
Um, nice kitty? ~ Jennifer Estep

You wound me, prince." Puck looked anything but hurt, and I crossed my arms. "Um, I guess you're still mad about that whole harpy fiasco. I swear, I thought those caves were empty. ~ Julie Kagawa

I've said it once and I will say it again, why can't everyone just speak English? The Americans give it a bit of a go - why can't
other nations? ~ Louise Rennison

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie. ~ George Carlin

A man who sees nothing has no use for his eyes," the Mountain declared. "Cut them out and give them to your next outrider. Tell him you hope that four eyes might see better than two ... and if not, the man after him will have six. ~ George R R Martin

Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!"
Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head. ~ Christopher Andersen

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable. ~ Jerry Coleman

Blondes are said to be more fun, but a well-caffeinated brunette is a kick-in-the-pants! ~ A.C. Mckaskle

My rapier wit hides my inner pain. ~ Cassandra Clare