Earth Humor Quotes

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth. ~ Graham Chapman

Falling in love means your reserve chute didn't work as you hurtled back to earth ~ Josh Stern

I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth. ~ Janet Evanovich

Imagine trying to live in a world dominated by dihydrogen oxide, a compound that has no taste or smell and is so variable in its properties that it is generally benign but at other times swiftly lethal. Depending on its state, it can scald you or freeze you. In the presence of certain organic molecules it can form carbonic acids so nasty that they can strip the leaves from trees and eat the faces off statuary. In bulk, when agitated, it can strike with a fury that no human edifice could withstand. Even for those who have learned to live with it, it is an often murderous substance. We call it water. ~ Bill Bryson

Love is the purest form of each individual on the planet Earth ~ Nitin Yaduvanshi

THE SQUEAK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH! ~ Lisa Fiedler

A lamb was a young animal which was legendary for sleeping well on the planet Earth. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don't be the one left without a chair. ~ Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth ~ Augusten Burroughs

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. ~ Steven Wright

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth. ~ Stephen Hawking

The Beatles did everything with down-to-earth humor, honesty, optimism, style, charisma, irreverence, intelligence, and a particularly spiky disdain for falseness. ~ Mark Lewisohn

Annwyl?" Ragnar repeated, suddenly remembering that Keita had said the same name before they'd
burst out of the woods. "This is Annwyl?" Ragnar looked the woman over, from her absurdly large feet
to the top of her unkempt head. "This?"
This human who had more muscles than seemed necessary for any royal and watched him and his kin
with what he could only term as the mad eyes of a diseased animal. ~ G.A. Aiken

Come on guys, you cant fight like this forever"
"Actually," Simon said, raising his hand,"I can".
Jace made a weird noise and I realized he was trying not to laugh-which by the way, wasn't working. ~ Cassandra Clare

The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church - read on - and give his life for her (Eph. V, 25). This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is - in her own mere nature - least lovable. For the Church has not beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; he does not find, but makes her, lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man's marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other sort) never despairs. He is a King Cophetua who after twenty years still hopes that the beggar-girl will one day learn to speak the truth and wash behind her ears. ~ C.S. Lewis

Roughly speaking, there are three kinds of people in the world ... the division follows lines of real psychological cleavage. I do not offer it lightly. It has been the fruit of more than eighteen minutes of earnest reflection and research. ~ G.K. Chesterton

You don't pray?" Ram asks.
"Which one should I pray to," I say flatly, "the dragon, or the fairy?"
Ram stares at me.
I tug on my ponytail. "That's our religion," I explain, suddenly self-conscious. "A mountain fairy married a dragon. That's where we all come from."
I can see the shy smile poking at Ram's lips. "You're half-fairy?"
"And half-dragon," I remind him.
"Right. Definitely. ~ Rose Christo

...the princes of the Earth had hardened their hearts against the Law of the Lord, and of their pride there was no end. And each of them thought within himself that it was better for all to be destroyed than for the will of other princes to prevail over his. ~ Walter M. Miller Jr.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat ... college, ~ Woody Allen

It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant. ~ Jane Austen

Look at what Al Davis has done. He hired the first Hispanic head coach (Tom Flores), the first black head coach (Art Shell), and now me. It's not a coincidence. People in sports talk a lot about inclusiveness and giving people opportunities. While they talk, I only see one person doing it. Al is the last person on Earth who'd do this for a pat on the back. A pat on the back would annoy him. He does it for the right reasons. ~ Amy Trask

EARTH DAY reminds the people of the world of the need for continuing care which is vital to Earth's safety. ~ Margaret Mead

But the aspect of secrets is they leak out. If they didn't leak, they wouldn't be interesting. ~ CLAMP

Find the humor in the madness to find the happiness in the sadness. ~ Me

You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don't go nutty on me. ~ Nicki Elson

Before the current decade ends, fee-paying passengers will be experiencing suborbital flights aboard privately funded vehicles ... It won't be too long before bright young men and women set their eyes on careers in Earth orbit and say: "I want to work 200 kilometers from home-straight up!" ~ Arthur C. Clarke

See the turtle of enormous girth, on his shell he holds the earth. If you want to run and play, come along the beam today. ~ Stephen King

Is 'tired old cliché' one? ~ Steven Wright

Let me be the first to say, there isn't a hell big enough for some of the assholes we have walking here on this earth. ~ Lisa Gardner

So, you want to be like Christ? Me too. But that kind of godliness won't just happen by hanging around a church or thinking lofty thoughts three or four times a day or learning a few verses of Scripture. It will take more - much more. Disciplining ourselves will require the same kind of focused thinking and living that our Master modeled during His brief life on earth. ~ Charles R. Swindoll

Well," I said, "you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city's sewer system. Perhaps you're related ... ?"
Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn't imagine what. ~ Rick Riordan

There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it indeed seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to the riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven? Where the devil was heaven? Was it up? Down? There was no up or down in a finite but expanding universe in which even the vast, burning, dazzling, majestic sun was in a state of progressive decay that would eventually destroy the earth too. ~ Joseph Heller

Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing. ~ Jon Scieszka

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. ~ Bill Maher

Too bad!' the feisty poet responded.
'Yes, too bad!' the stranger agreed, his eye flashing, and went on: 'But here is a question that is troubling me: if there is no God, then, one may ask, who governs human life and, in general, the whole order on earth?'
'Man governs it himself' Homeless angrily hastened to reply to this admittedly none-too-clear question.
'Pardon me,' the stranger responded gently, 'but in order to govern, one needs, after all, to have a precise plan for a certain, at least somewhat decent, length of time. Allow me to ask you, then, how can man govern, if he is not only deprived of the opportunity of making a plan for at least some ridiculously short period -well, say, a thousand years- but cannot even vouch for his own tomorrow? ~ Mikhail Bulgakov

The coming together of a man and woman was a holy thing, after all. God had chosen this way of replenishing the earth. God did everything so elegantly, with such an exquisite attention to detail. She knew this from studying the flowers in the garden and watching the morning sky, all mauve and pink and orange. So beautiful. But God had looked at all this, His ideas, His wonderful sense of color and design put into action, and had said merely that it was good. Not great. Not fantastic. Just good. But when He had looked at man and woman together, He had said it was "very good". ~ Naomi Ragen

Expansion in love is an action that is available to every being in the universe all the time. A willing awareness will take
us to heaven, a loving attitude will make us free. Nothing else controls our fate. Good or bad behavior is secondary.
Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are thinking, love yourself for thinking it. Love is the
only dimension that needs to be changed. If you are not sure how it feels to be loving, love yourself for not being sure of
how it feels. There is nothing on earth more important than the love which conscious beings feel towards each other,
whether or not it is ever expressed. ~ Thaddeus Golas

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it. ~ Will Cuppy

Lissa lowered her voice and added, "I might not even go to school anyway. I might defer and join the Peace Corps and go to Africa and shave my head and dig latrines."
"Shave your head?" I said, because, really, this was the most ludicrous part of the whole thing. "You? Do you have any idea how ugly most people's bare heads are? They've got all kinds of bumps, Lissa. And you won't know until it's too late and you're flat-out bald. ~ Sarah Dessen

Every single person I've seen in the past few days asks me about the Leg.
How is it?
How's the Leg?
The Leg is attached. Thanks for asking. There's The Leg right there. It's on display, always outside of the sheets and blanket, although the whole thing is still so wrapped up it looks like I borrowed The Leg from some ancient Egyptian mummy.
How's The Leg?
It seems a bit mummyish, thanks. ~ Michael Grant

No quality imparts apparent strength to its possessors more effectively than faith. From hospital beds to battlefields, it is the iron that strengthens a man to confront his destiny. ~ Mike Corbett

Situated on an island which I think it will one day cover, it rises like Venice from the sea, and like that fairest of cities in the days of her glory, receives into its lap tribute of all the riches of the earth. ~ Frances Trollope

When I look to my guiltiness, I see that my salvation is one of our Saviour's greatest miracles, either in heaven or earth. ~ Samuel Rutherford

You're jumping over the bench, jumping back onto the ice and you're working as a unit. Defenders can move up the ice and score goals as well as the forwards. It's a real fast, physical game. It's the fastest game on earth so it's pretty enjoyable to watch. ~ Gerad Adams

Nothing is unchangeable but the inherent and unalienable rights of man. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you. ~ Aaron Dennis

Earth is the material with the most potential because it is the original source material. ~ Michael Heizer

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. ~ Henny Youngman

And we were all of us alone, clinging to a rock spinning through the star-strewn darkness and trying desperately to matter. To make some sort of everlasting mark, however true or awful that mark may be. Spinning endlessly alone - until we're not alone, and we stumble into someone else trying to mark the chaos, and we cling tighter to that person than we ever have to the world itself. That spark in another, that resonation of the soul - a counterpoint in the dark - was more real and more important than the earth beneath our feet. ~ Joe Ducie

Babe, when we have sex, we create magic. We leave earth. We travel the fucking universe. Sex with you goes on and never ends. It transcends. I'm fucking addicted to it. Addicted to you. I didn't want to share you. ~ S. Ann Cole

And here am I, budding among the ruins with only sorrow to bite on, as if weeping were a seed and I the earth's only furrow. ~ Pablo Neruda