Ya Comedy Quotes

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I never leave the house without [my Santa hat]. In fact, I pretty much never leave my room without it. I honestly don't know how this habit started and believe me, I'd break myself of it if I could, but I'm a little bit OCD about the Santa hat. Whenever I try to put it away, I get this horrible, overwhelming feeling that somehow Christmas will be destroyed if I do. ~ Kieran Scott

Just as he reached for my neck, I tased him. I was there to bag and tag, not to kill. Besides, if I had to carry separate weapons for every paranormal I took out, I'd be dragging around a full luggage set. Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine's pink with rhinestones. Tasey and I have had a lot of good times together. ~ Kiersten White

When Dad was a kid, he wanted to be a lumberjack, but unfortunately he'd been cursed with the build of an accountant and the brain of an astrophysicist. These qualities had combined to make him the third-most-visited orthodontist in northern New Jersey. ~ Kieran Scott

I become quite inhibited particularly when I do comedy, I won't - there's a whole thing of allowing an audience in and if you - if you cover yourself with a mask of, kind of, severity, which I'm quite good at doing, that's masking fear of course, then people feel shut out. ~ Ian McLeod

Any comic is a tragic soul. Comedy is one of the things that allows one to survive. Particularly if one has been in the process of separating off the emotions, it's one place you can process them. ~ Twyla Tharp

Well, for me, it's the relationship between comedy and life - that's the edge I live on, and maybe it's my protection against looking at the tragedy of it all. It's seeing life in balance. Comedy and tragedy co-exist. You can't have one without the other. I'm of the school that anything can be funny, if seen from a comedic point of view. ~ Harold Ramis

Don't you remember what your grandfather used to say? That thing about pots and people?"
"That pots were like people," Alex replied flatly, thinking back to his grandfather carrying a tray of wet freshly thrown clay pots across the studio in ancient Athens. "He said you couldn't tell how well they'd turn out until they'd been fired in the kiln."
"Well then?"
"Well then, what?" muttered Alex. "Some pots shatter in the heat, Aries. I should know. I was the one who had to sweep them up every evening. Sometimes it's better not to go near the fire."
"Well, that's the spirit I must say!" huffed Aries. "Thank you very much! ~ Julia Wills

I'm not saying writing comedy's brain surgery, but there is a certain pressure to it. It's the equivalent of doing homework that's going to end up on national television. ~ Miranda Hart

Stand-up comedy is a lot about amplifying emotions and situations; movie acting has a lot to do with mellowing things down and making them subtle. The transition was almost terrifying because of the magnitude of change. ~ Vir Das

One should not chug an entire glass of wine at an elegant dinner party. I start hacking and coughing, having practically water-boarded myself out of sheer humiliation. ~ Lisa Daily

Johnson released a harsh breath. "Well. Guess I'll go on home and see if a ball game is on. See ya." Johnson turned to leave. "The Braves are on tonight," Ronowski called out to Johnson's back. God had to close his mouth, gaping open in surprise. Johnson turned and wasted no time asking the blond beauty if he wanted to watch the game with him. Ronowski flushed when all their attention was focused on him. "Uhm. Sure. I just need to get my stuff. I'll be r-right back," he stammered and walked quickly toward the precinct. God saw Johnson watch Ronowski's ass move as he walked; not taking his eyes off him until he was inside the building. Johnson turned back toward him and waggled his eyebrows. "Well my night is looking brighter." God ~ A.E. Via

Forget walking, right now I could fly."
-Marcus ~ Katie Michaels

There is remedy for all things except death - Don Quixote De La Mancha ~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

What sparked my imagination as a little girl stirs my faith today, reminding me that a misogynistic king running a dangerously dysfunctional superpower is nothing new and nothing God can't handle. Maybe a little biblically inspired dark comedy is just what we need "for such a time as this. ~ Rachel Held Evans

I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul. ~ J. B. Smoove

At Murry Bergtraum [High School] if you were really funny you sat at this table at with all of the funniest dudes, the toughest, the coolest - everybody sat at that table. It was like the ghetto Algonquin Round Table. [Comedy] was my entry, my membership card. ~ John Leguizamo

What I'm saying, my little wall flower, is desire becomes your enemy when your mate is being a butt head. And Decebel is in mega, super-sized butt head mode. Do ya feel me? You see where I'm going with this or do I have to sit you down and have the birds and the bees conversation? ~ Quinn Loftis

Really, more than anything, The 2000 Year Old Man is a huge influence on all of our comedy, but specifically the live version of Oh, Hello. ~ Nick Kroll

There's the exciting part about comedy - if you catch an act just before they go mainstream, that's the best. After they hit the mainstream, everything gets watered down a little bit. ~ Tommy Chong

Yaroo!" I shouted, and I didn't give a beetle's bottom who heard me. "Ya-rooo! ~ Alan Bradley

I get frustrated by the fact that comics go on stage with some kind of agenda beyond comedy - I'm not sure it should be about that. ~ Andrew Lawrence

I'm just the librarian. I can only give you the books. I can't give you the answers. ~ Kami Garcia

I feel like comedy had a boys'-club label when we were starting. ~ Abbi Jacobson

There are not that many roles in comedies that are completely driven by a young actress. ~ Will Gluck

I'm making a list of when it's acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I've got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I've just written the word 'chops'. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas? ~ Gideon Defoe

Paul sold his soul for you, didn't he?' Riley turned towards him, astonished, 'How did you know?' Beck adjusted the blanket again. 'I just figured it out. That's what a man should do for his daughter. Or his woman.' He looked her straight in the eyes. 'I'd do it for you if it kept ya safe,' he said tenderly. He'd go to Hell for me. In that instant, Riley knew she'd do the same for him. ~ Jana Oliver

Get some sleep, soldier boy. ~ Julie Kagawa

I don't get it. Why would you want to endure someone who squeezes the toothpaste the wrong way and deprives you of a simple pleasure every morning? ~ Judy Balan

I love doing sitcoms. I love doing comedy. I love the whole shooting match. ~ Rachael Harris

He squinted at me. What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control? ~ Janet Evanovich

Really, I just love doing comedy. Any form it takes is great, as long as I can keep doing it, you know? If I can do my show and 'The League' while also getting to do other bits, that's awesome. ~ Nick Kroll

Everyone says your first time should be magical. You should be in love. You should feel safe. Because you can't go back once you've done it. That will always be your first time. Years later this is what I'll remember as my first time. That inflated sensation is long gone. Now I just feel nauseous; it
s the feeling I get when reality dawns. ~ Kerry Cohen

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you've come to expect from Jessica Alba. ~ Chelsea Handler

[At Boston College] I started working on the kinds of skills that you need for comedy. It's about being creative and learning to use your gift for being able to let loose and be very unself-conscious. It took me time though before I was really able to get comfortable doing that. ~ Amy Poehler

This is my chance to get out there and appease the fans of my music as well as show people that I do do standup comedy because a lot of people don't know that's where I started. ~ Nick Cannon

In a world where PG 13 means kinda-sorta-depends on your level of morals, I don't wish to loosen our kids' morals just because some adults choose to say, "They are going to see it anyway." If we don't show them that integrity is something you should always have in the back of your mind, then we've given up on them. ~ Cyndi Goodgame

I ain't nobody's sidekick.
I AM Batman
And Robin,
minus the mask, plus the vagina. ~ Casey Renee Kiser

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I plant a gentle parting kiss on his lips, our strategy is well and truly screwed at this stage anyway. We barely lasted a day. ~ Siobhan Davis

I never get tired of looking at her [Catherine Keener] and it always surprises me, despite how many hours of film I've shot on that face. She's fantastic. She does comedy and tragedy so equally well. She wears her feeling so on the surface for both. I try to stop myself from casting her but I just keep coming back to her. She's just so fantastic to work with. ~ Nicole Holofcener

You'll never get anywhere by staying in your comfort zone!! ~ R.S. Grey

Victory was close. Just one final push. "Send in the rest," I ordered. "All wings attack. Take that base down now. ~ Julie Kagawa

There's no doubt about it. Arcadia is Tom Stoppard's richest, most ravishing comedy to date, a play of wit, intellect, language, brio and, new for him, emotion. It's like a dream of levitation: you're instantaneously aloft, soaring, banking, doing loop-the-loops and then, when you think you're about to plummet to earth, swooping to a gentle touchdown of not easily described sweetness and sorrow. ~ Vincent Canby

We try to take it from one at-bat to the next, ya know it's easier said than done, but all put together it looks good in the end. ~ Evan Longoria

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience. ~ Doug Stanhope

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that's if you live to be 185."
"And that's meant to make me feel better?" I said.
"No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny. ~ John Zakour

Philosophy is problem-solving. There's a philosophical problem, and then you try to solve it by approaching it from different angles and seeing what way works. That's what comedy is: you have a topic and you try to just hit it as many different ways as you can. ~ Kumail Nanjiani

As soon as he stood in front of her, she folded her arms and looked cross.
"You don't have any gardening skills. You turned down a prestigious job to weed the garden?
"I will be rewarded richly in treasures untold."
She raised a brow.
"I've heard dragon-shifters pay a lot of money to merchants and the like.
"Aaagh, but you are also a dragon-shifter of a sort.
Yes, but I am a gardener, which means I don't go on high-risk missions to earn my gold. ~ Terry Spear

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. ~ Al Franken

A pang of deep longing ripples through me. I'm torn between my promise to send Aydan to the Abyss and my need to keep him safe. The opposing forces fragment what remains of my mind, breaking me down once again. ~ Christine Fonseca

Comedy is a very, very, very stringent business. ~ Chuck Jones

We are not the policy department, except for those of us who are," Jackaby revised. ~ William Ritter