Witty Birthday Quotes

You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look. ~ Seymour Hicks

I binge when I'm happy. When everything is going really well, every day is like I'm at a birthday party. ~ Kirstie Alley

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous."
"Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous."
"Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously.
"There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it."
"I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion. ~ David Eddings

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. ~ Henny Youngman

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. ~ George Carlin

Histories make men wise; poets, witty; the mathematics, subtle; natural philosophy, deep; moral, grave; logic and rhetoric, able to contend. ~ Francis Bacon

Saunas in Germany are usually co-ed and they are also clothing-free, not clothing optional, but butt-naked. The whole point of the sauna is to sweat out the body's impurities and help with circulation; wearing clothing is contrary to that goal. Therefore, be forewarned that if you want to use the sauna you'll have to do it in your birthday suit. Also, when using the sauna you'll have to sit or lay on a towel so as not to get sweat on the wooden benches in the sauna. ~ Steven Somers

For her seventh birthday, Mazy Gulliver got a Play Bride set that included a white veil, a plastic bouquet and a rhinestone ring. She immediately organized a wedding celebration under the basketball goal where she married Termy Latham, the boy next door. An argument could be made that the incident was merely the first in a long series of hasty, ill-conceived and unwise decisions about men. ~ Pamela Morsi

Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth. ~ Francesca Lia Block

I tried to bake a cake for my mother's birthday - it took me four hours. It was terrible, and I cried for three days. ~ Rachael Ray

To talk of the size of a thought is odd, perhaps, but to say that someone is thinking big thoughts is not without meaning. "I want you all to come to my birthday party" is a bigger thought than "I want only some of you to come." Bodhicitta is theoretically the biggest thought anyone can think because of the number of beings involved, what it wants them to have, and the length of time it must last before its motivating power dies out. Since the duration of a thought is a variable of the aim, in the sense that the actions motivated by a thought cease when the aim is attained, one can conceive of thoughts that last longer and longer. Bodhicitta necessarily lasts until the last living being reaches the state free of suffering, because it is only then that the aim is finally achieved. This explains the prayer of Samantabhadra at the end of the Gandavyūha section of the Avataṃsaka Sūtra, which the Dalai Lama often invokes: "For as long as space endures may I remain to work for the benefit of living beings. ~ Gareth Sparham

I would love a family. I'm at the age where the wish for a child gets stronger. But who knows. ~ Cameron Diaz

God ... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive. ~ Ayn Rand

Warner Studios official in the era of silent movies: Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? ~ H.W. Brands

Ask her to wait a moment I am almost done. ~ Carl Friedrich Gauss

Did you get Mom a birthday present?" Helen asked.
"Yes," Gansey replied. "Myself."
"The gift that keeps on giving."
"I don't think that minor children are required to get gifts for their parents. I'm a dependent. That's the definition of dependent, is it not?"
"You, a dependent!" his sister said, and laughed. "You haven't been a dependent since you were four. You went straight from kindergarten to old man with a studio apartment. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

The reason I met my husband was because I remembered a friend's birthday. The moral of the story is: Remember people's birthdays. ~ Julianna Margulies

A technicality I'm prepared to hide wildly behind. ~ Jim Butcher

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar. ~ Groucho Marx

Melancholy men, of all others, are the most witty. ~ Aristotle.

Birthdays? yes, in a general way;
For the most if not for the best of men:
You were born (I suppose) on a certain day:
So was I: or perhaps in the night: what then? ~ James Kenneth Stephen

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. ~ George Carlin

John F. Kennedy brought style and charisma to the White House and a first family that captivated the country: a handsome, witty president, an elegant first lady, and two adorable young children. ~ Kitty Kelley

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge ~ Robert Breault

If life is a birthday cake let my face be smeared with its icing of cognac and kindness. ~ Aberjhani

Interventions are really emotionally exhausting and I would never ever want to have one. In the same way, I would never want to have a surprise birthday party. That would be horrible. ~ Margaret Cho

Glenda Adams has written a wicked and witty novel. ~ Diane Johnson

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. ~ Bill Cosby

Unable to swim, he had maneuvered to fall off an old-timers' party yacht in the Hudson River. His departure was not remarked by the revelers. They motored on toward the Atlantic and he bobbed around in the wash. He couldn't swim. But he did. He learned how. Before he knew it, he was making time and nearing the dock where a small Italian liner sat dead still, white, three stories high. Nobody was around when he pulled up on a stray rope on the wharf and walked erect to the street, where cars were flashing. Day after tomorrow was his seventieth birthday. What a past, he said. I've survived. Further, I'm horny and vindictive. Does the fire never stop? ~ Barry Hannah

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. ~ Robert Orben

I've been blessed, because the type I started in was competition based. It was about being witty and smart and innovative and different. I don't get backlash like some of the reality shows today because that's not who I am. ~ Eva Marcille

Then when you think in years to come Of Birthdays long ago You may remember fondly How much we love you so. ~ Janet Horne

The back of my neck breaks out in a sweat, and I'm getting nervous. Why is he just standing there, staring at me? "What do you want?" I press, my tone curt.

He opens his mouth but then closes it swallowing.

"Pike, Jesus - "
"The day you left," he blurts out, and I stop.

I wait, listening as a look of fear crosses his eyes.

"The house was so empty," he continues. "Like a quiet that was never there before. I couldn't hear your footsteps upstairs or your hairdryer or anticipate you walking into a room. You were gone. Everything was…" he drops his eyes, "gone."

A ball lodges in my throat, and I feel tears threaten, but I tense my jaw, refusing to let it out.

"But I could still feel you," he whispers. "You were still everywhere. The container of cookies in the fridge, the backsplash you picked out, the way you put all my pictures back in the wrong spot after you dusted my bookshelves." He smiles to himself. "But I couldn't rearrange them, because you were the last to touch them, and I wanted everything the way you had it."

My chin trembles, and I fold my arms over my chest, hiding my balled fists under my arms.

He pauses and then goes on. "Nothing would ever go back to the way it was before you came into my house. I didn't want it to." He shakes his head. "I went to work, and I came home, and I stayed there every night and all weekend, every weekend, because that's where we were together. ~ Penelope Douglas, Birthday Girl

Being traded is like celebrating your 100th birthday. It might not be the happiest occasion in the world, but consider the alternative. ~ Joe Garagiola

Such is their mutual antipathy that friends have observed that Diana finds her husband's very presence upsetting and disturbing. He in turn views his wife with indifference tinged with dislike. When a Sunday newspaper reported how the Prince had pointedly ignored her at a concert at Buckingham Palace to celebrate the Queen Mother's 90th birthday, she remarked to friends that she found their surprise rather odd. "He ignores me everywhere and has done for a long time. He just dismisses me." She would, for example, never contemplate making any input into any of his special interests such as architecture, the environment or agriculture. Painful experience tells her that any suggestions would be treated with ill-disguised contempt. "He makes her feel intellectually insecure and inferior and constantly reinforces that message," notes a close friend. When Charles took his wife to see A Woman of No Importance when he celebrated his 43rd birthday, the irony was not lost on her friends. ~ Andrew Morton

When Batty got back home from walking the dogs, there were teenagers lounging all over the place, some left over from the basketball game, some arriving for the birthday dinner, some who fit into both categories. For once, she hardly cared, too delighted to see that Oliver's sleek car was no longer in the driveway. Hoping that he was gone forever, she rushed into the house and ended up in the kitchen, where dinner preparations were in full swing. Mr. Penderwick was chopping up vegetables for quesadillas, Rosalind was pulling a cake out of the oven, Jeffrey was shredding cheese, and Iantha was cooking up small, plain cheese quesadillas for Lydia, who was to be fed before the big dinner got rolling. Then there were the non-workers: Lydia in her high chair, wearing both her crown and her lamb bib, her new pink rabbit beside her; Jane sitting cross-legged on the floor, in everyone's way; Ben, strutting around, showing off his new Celtics T-shirt; and Asimov, sticking close to Jeffrey, hoping for falling cheese. ~ Jeanne Birdsall

On my tenth birthday a bicycle and an atlas coincided as gifts, and a few days later I decided to cycle to India ... However, I was a cunning child so I kept my ambition to myself, thus avoiding the tolerant amusement it would have provoked among my elders. ~ Dervla Murphy