Shifter Humor Quotes

Feeling a little calmer?" she asked, leaning against the desk again.

Dax snorted. "Mellow as anything. I'm ready to curl up and take a nap now. Don't mind if I purr. ~ Katherine McIntyre

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Anyone without a sense of humor is too pretentious to be a good magician. ~ Anton Szandor LaVey

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. ~ Jon Stewart

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh ... " ~ Steven Wright

You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant. ~ Jill Shalvis

When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit. ~ Roxane Gay

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow. ~ Rick Riordan

If he didn't call you by name, then you've got nothing to worry about. Maybe he has a glass eye and couldn't look at anyone but you."
"You could be right. But I've always thought glass eyes were kind of expressionless, not hate-filled and menacing. ~ Liliana Hart

[Science] works! Planes fly. Cars drive. Computers compute. If you base medicine on science, you cure people. If you base the design of planes on science, they fly. If you base the design of rockets on science, they reach the moon. It works ... bitches. ~ Richard Dawkins

All of us are in the manufacturing industry - manufacturing either our own happiness or unhappiness. ~ Ogwo David Emenike

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.
Have you been watching Oprah again? ~ James Patterson

I hate you," I muttered.
Noah smiled wider. "I know. ~ Michelle Hodkin

The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time. ~ Morrissey

Choose life, choose to be happy and make somebody smile. ~ Ray S. Jones

Hail to the Beast Lord! I waved my spatula for emphasis.
Jim spared me an ugly look and turned to Dali. ~ Ilona Andrews

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. ~ George Carlin

'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.'
'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones. ~ T.J. Klune

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader.- Capt. Bligh(ret.) ~ Robert Asprin

He didn't know Rachel very well, but assumed her behavior would be similar to most women he encountered. As soon as he stepped foot inside she would attack, not allowing him to get in a word. At least that was what he imagined. ~ Wendy Owens

There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay. ~ Polly Horvath

Fresh proof of the risks you run in writing about players, and of the advisability of not standing to leeward of their self-esteem when one has had the misfortune to wound it in the slightest degree. When you criticize a singer, you do not have his colleagues up in arms against you. Indeed, they generally feel that you have not been severe enough. But the virtuoso instrumentalist who belongs to a well-known musical organization always claims that in criticizing him you are 'insulting' the whole institution, and though the contention is absurd he sometimes succeeds in making the other players believe it. ~ Hector Berlioz

Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her. ~ Liane Moriarty

What do you do with all your money?"
"Me and the French hoard gold. ~ Dashiell Hammett

The question: What color is my parachute?
The answer: blood red, brains gray, sludge black. ~ Jesse Petersen

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. ~ Steven Wright

Shoelaces are the first way society ties up the individual. ~ Jimmy Breslin

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?'
'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.
'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'
'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty. ~ Terry Pratchett

At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks him or herself are really just about one thing: how should you live your life? ~ Fredrik Backman

"I don't doubt tall, dark, and seriously cute had a vision, but I'm still going to wait for Kit's call on this one."
"Did she just call me cute?" Corey said.
Hayley turned on Tori. "Did you just flirt with my boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend?" Corey said.
"Are you coming?" I asked Corey. "Or staying to flirt back?"
"Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said.
"Yeah, I think it's hot," Corey said with a grin. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"
I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.
"First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."
Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"
I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson."
"I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first. ~ Myra McEntire

Without missing a beat he said, "This year, Santa, I'd like a pony and an Easy-Bake Oven."
Raja grunted and pushed him off to the side. "You'll be getting coal in a place where it hurts if you ever attempt to sit in my lap again. ~ Karsten Knight

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.'
'And yet it is still extremely funny. ~ Cecelia Ahern

It's been a pretty tough day," he said. "No sense making it worse with a salad. ~ Susan Juby