Men Humor Quotes

After a few days, I mused, I would have no trouble. Whoever heard of a revolution of fat men? ~ Louis L'Amour

And this is the library," Mrs. Simcosky said, leading Beth into a generous room with a fire flickering in a river rock fireplace. "Or, as Mason liked to call it, my love den." She drifted to one of the floor to ceiling book shelves and trailed her fingers down a bevy of colorful spines. "He used to call my books 'the other men'. ~ Trish McCallan

Males are the most incomprehensible species. ~ Rachel Cohn

I can see why we need fellows who know how to light fires," Bluth said. "But I don't see why we need people to use fancy words."
"Shhhh," Shallan said. "Don't say that so loudly. If the lighteyes hear, they might stop wasting their time making up new words, and instead start interfering with the business of honest men. ~ Brandon Sanderson

You know," Flynn said, pausing to look over the brim of the glasses at him, "when you start shouting „soundproof booth!‟ I can pretty much tell you‟re thinking about me."
"As long as the „what‟ remains a mystery, I‟ll die a happy man," Jerry said. ~ Sarah Madison

A wise man once said NOTHING ... He just let her vent, nodded his head and live happily ever after! ~ Tanya Masse

The chief drawback with men is that they are too talkative. ~ Marilyn Monroe

We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot mechanic you're sleeping with."
"You are a friend, why do we need to do that?"
"Because you're stiff as a board and not in the way I want you to be. ~ Elle Parker

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. ~ Neil Gaiman

For her seventh birthday, Mazy Gulliver got a Play Bride set that included a white veil, a plastic bouquet and a rhinestone ring. She immediately organized a wedding celebration under the basketball goal where she married Termy Latham, the boy next door. An argument could be made that the incident was merely the first in a long series of hasty, ill-conceived and unwise decisions about men. ~ Pamela Morsi

The end of an ox is beef, the end of a lie is grief.
- Serious Men ~ Manu Joseph

Many have been the wise speeches of fools, though not so many as the foolish speeches of wise men. ~ Thomas Fuller

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life. ~ Samuel Butler

Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the didie to the stench of the shroud. There is always something
(All The King's Men) ~ Robert Penn Warren

She threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsuitable men. ~ Anne Taintor

I won't apologize for my past. A man is supposed to have experience."
"From all indications, you've acquired enough for ten men. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I don't like it when I outweigh my men. ~ Patricia Briggs

No naked man is sought after to be rifled. ~ George Herbert

Some girls are like ants in your pants ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I am not eternity, but a man; a part of the whole, as an hour is of the day. ~ Epictetus

May we as father's pray that God would transform the men that we are in order to heal the wounds that we have caused. And might we kneel before this God every day so that the transformation never stops, but the wounding does. ~ Craig D. Lounsbrough

For those of you who wish to get a feel for it, get in the car and bring it up to fifty miles an hour and then stick your head and arms outside and, while driving, try to fold up a simple bath towel in the wind ~ Gary Paulsen

what? When men can hate without risk, their stupidity is easily convinced, the motives supply themselves. From ~ Louis Ferdinand Celine

The good guys fight for freedom, justice and most words that don't put food on the table. The bad fight to scrub those words from our speech. Only problem is, both sides claim to be good. ~ David Gunn

Oh, I am so sick of the young men of the present day!" exclaimed she, rattling away at the instrument. "Poor, puny things, not fit to stir a step beyond papa's park gates: nor to go even so far without mama's permission and guardianship! Creatures so absorbed in care about their pretty faces, and their white hands, and their small feet; as if a man had anything to do with beauty! As if loveliness were not the special prerogative of woman - her legitimate appanage and heritage! I grant an ugly woman is a blot on the fair face of creation; but as to the gentlemen, let them be solicitous to possess only strength and valour: let their motto be: - Hunt, shoot, and fight: the rest is not worth a fillip. Such should be my device, were I a man. ~ Charlotte Bronte

Some time later there was a knock at his door. He was surprised to find it was now evening and the room was quite dark. The knock sounded again. The landlord was at the door. The landlord began to talk, but Strange could not understand him. This was because the man had a pineapple in his mouth. How he had managed to cram the whole thing in there, Strange could not imagine. Green, spiky leaves emerged slowly out of his mouth and then were sucked back in again as he spoke. Strange wondered if perhaps he ought to go and fetch a knife or a hook and try and fish the pineapple out, in case the landlord should choke. But at the same time he did not care much about it. 'After all,' he thought with some irritation, 'it is his own fault. He put it there. ~ Susanna Clarke

Why would you come to Italy to see Spanish steps? That's like going to China for Mexican food, isn't it? ~ Rick Riordan

The Correspondence-School Instructor Says Goodbye to His Poetry Students

Goodbye, lady in Bangor, who sent me
snapshots of yourself, after definitely hinting
you were beautiful; goodbye,
Miami Beach urologist, who enclosed plain
brown envelopes for the return of your very
"Clinical Sonnets"; goodbye, manufacturer
of brassieres on the Coast, whose eclogues
give the fullest treatment in literature yet
to the sagging breast motif; goodbye, you in San Quentin,
who wrote, "Being German my hero is Hitler,"
instead of "Sincerely yours," at the end of long,
neat-scripted letters extolling the Pre-Raphaelites:

I swear to you, it was just my way
of cheering myself up, as I licked
the stamped, self-addressed envelopes,
the game I had of trying to guess
which one of you, this time,
had poisoned his glue. I did care.
I did read each poem entire.
I did say everything I thought
in the mildest words I knew. And now,
in this poem, or chopped prose, no better,
I realize, than those troubled lines
I kept sending back to you,
I have to say I am relieved it is over:
at the end I could feel only pity
for that urge toward more life
your poems kept smothering in words, the smell
of which, days later, tingled in your nostrils
as new, God-given impulses
to write.

Goodbye,
you who are, for me, the postmar ~ Galway Kinnell

It is statistically proven that the strongest institution that guarantees procreation and continuity of the generations is marriage between one man and one woman. We don't want genocide. We don't want to destroy the sacred institution of marriage. ~ Alveda King

Nicholas: I know you, brother. You've been threatened with matrimonial pursuits before. Why are you really here?
William: I received an invitation.
Nicholas: Not from me you didn't.
William: Of course not from you, brother. Parliament would go up in flames before I receive a social invitation from you. ~ Donna MacMeans

Religion is the frozen thought of man out of which they build temples. ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

There are no heroes, Tian Haoli. Grand Secretary Shi was both courageous and cowardly, capable and foolish. Wang Xiuchu was both an opportunistic survivor and a man of greatness of spirit. I'm mostly selfish and vain, but sometimes even I surprise myself. We're all just ordinary men - well, I'm an ordinary demon - faced with extraordinary choices. In those moments, sometimes heroic ideals demand that we become their avatars. ~ Ken Liu

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world. ~ M.J. McGuire

As we form our individual opinions of our fellow man, let us base them on our similarities and not our differences. ~ Brendan Dooling

My biggest satisfaction is always when I make something beautiful and well-done that I can see on a real man or woman - not only in the glossy magazines. ~ Frida Giannini

If you see an intelligent man who tells you where true treasures are to be found, who shows what is to be avoided, and administers reproofs,follow that wise man ; it will be better, not worse, for those who follow him. ~ Gautama Buddha

Mutability is the badge of infirmity. It is seldom that a man continues to wish and design the same thing two days alike. Now he is for marrying; and now a mistress is preferred to a wife. Now he is ambitious and aspiring; presently the meanest servant is not more humble than he. This hour he squanders his money away; the next he turns miser. Sometimes he is frugal and serious; at other times profuse, airy, and gay. ~ Pierre Charron

Kleptomania is a medical condition beyond the afflicted's control. Picking pockets is a legitimate trade, thank you very much. I only pinch what I intend to take and nothing more. ~ Josin L. McQuein

We aim to be
men who'll make
our mothers proud,
but we end up
making them cry,
and are only
slightly better
than our fathers,
at best ~ Phil Volatile

Let's see... "Advanced Flanking Theory", by U.R. Skrood. "Fighting on the Grid", by Minnie Churse. "Moving on Diagonals", by Wun and Ahaff. Ah ha! Here it is: "Attacks of Opportunity Explained", by Ben Dover and Taye Kitt. ~ Rich Burlew

90% of the work in this country is done
by people who don't feel good. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

What are you terrible at?" I asked, running my hand across his starched shirt. Encouraged by the touch, Maxon drew circles on my shoulder with the hand he had wrapped behind my back.
"Why would you want to know that?" He asked in mock irritation.
"Becaue I still know so little about you. And you seem perfect all the time.It's nice to have proof you aren't.
He propped himself up on an elbow, focusing on my face.
"You know I'm not."
"Pretty close,' I countered. Little flickers of touch ran betwen us. Knees, arms, fingers.
He shook his head, a small smile on his face. "Okay then. I can't plan wars. I'm rotten at it. And I'm guessing I'd be a terrible cook. I've never tried, so-"
"Never?"
"You might have noticed the teams of people keeping you up to your neck in pastries? They happen to feed me as well. ~ Kierra Cass

The most natively interesting object to a man is his own personal self and its fortunes. We accordingly see that the moment a thing becomes connected with the fortunes of the self, it forthwith becomes an interesting thing. ~ William James

They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn't really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment. ~ Gideon Defoe

The one-eyed man stood helplessly by. "I'll help ya if ya want," he said. "Know what that son-of-a-bitch done? He come by an' he got on white pants. An' he says, 'Come on, le's go out to my yacht.' By God, I'll whang him some day!" He breathed heavily. "I ain't been out with a woman sence I los' my eye. An' he says stuff like that." And big tears cut channels in the dirt beside his nose.

Tom said impatiently, "Whyn't you roll on? Got no guards to keep ya here."

"Yeah, that's easy to say. Ain't so easy to get a job - not for a one-eye' man."

Tom turned on him. "Now look-a-here, fella. You got that eye wide open. An' ya dirty, ya stink. Ya jus' askin' for it. Ya like it. Lets ya feel sorry for yaself. 'Course ya can't get no woman with that empty eye flappin' aroun'. Put somepin over it an' wash ya face. You ain't hittin' nobody with no pipe wrench."

"I tell ya, a one-eye' fella got a hard row," the man said. "Can't see stuff the way other fellas can. Can't see how far off a thing is. Ever'thing's jus' flat."

Tom said, "Ya full of crap. Why, I knowed a one-legged whore one time. Think she was takin' two-bits in a alley? No, by God! She's gettin' half a dollar extra. She says, 'How many one-legged women you slep' with? None!' she says. 'O.K.,' she says. 'You got somepin pretty special here, an it's gonna cos' ya half a buck extry.' An' by God, she was gettin' 'em, too, an' the fellas comin' out thinkin' they're pretty lucky. ~ John Steinbeck

Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it. ~ George R R Martin

Miracle: An event described by those to whom it was told by men who did not see it. ~ Elbert Hubbard

The President's white men, the promise of order and continuity; and it was oddly comforting, like the sound of rain in the night. ~ V.S. Naipaul

Men hate to be misunderstood, and to be understood makes them furious. ~ Edgar Saltus

Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored. ~ Eoin Colfer

This is the doctrine of Christian Science: that divine Love cannot be deprived of its manifestation, or object; that joy cannot be turned into sorrow, for sorrow is not the master of joy; that good can never produce evil; that matter can never produce mind nor life result in death. The perfect man - governed by God, his perfect Principle - is sinless and eternal. ~ Mary Baker Eddy

While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits of the dead ... While you do not know life, how can you know about death ~ Confucius

The happy man only feels at ease because the unhappy bear their burden in silence. Without this silence, happiness would be impossible. ~ Anton Chekhov

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority! ~ William Howard Taft

He did not say, 'Define me envy', and then, when the man defined it, 'You define it ill, for the terms of the definition do not correspond to the subject defined.' Such phrases are technical and therefore tiresome to the lay mind, and hard to follow, yet you and I cannot get away from them. We are quite unable to rouse the ordinary man's attention in a way which will enable him to follow his own impressions and so arrive at admitting or rejecting this or that. And therefore those of us who are at all cautious naturally give the subject up, when we become aware of this incapacity; while the mass of men, who venture at random into this sort of enterprise, muddle others and get muddled themselves, and end by abusing their opponents and getting abused in return, and so leave the field. But the first quality of all in Socrates, and the most characteristic, was that he never lost his temper in argument, never uttered anything abusive, never anything insolent, but bore with abuse from others and quieted strife. ~ Epictetus

A man leaves much when he leaves his own country. ~ Cormac McCarthy

It is a difficult matter for man to realize the extreme importance of social discriminations which seem outwardly insignificant but which produce in woman moral and intellectual effects so profound that they appear to spring from her original nature. ~ Simone De Beauvoir

Art and relligion are not professions: they are not occupations for which men can be paid. The artist and the saint do what they have to do, not to make a living, but in obedience to some mysterious necessity. They do not product to live - they live to produce. ~ Clive Bell

John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man. ~ Jay Leno

The only thing I really missed was sitting next to one very extraordinary girl." I didn't think I was breathing anymore.

"She sounds wonderful." I tried some humor to shake off my nervousness.

"You have no idea. ~ Kristen Day