Mom Humor Quotes

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi! ~ George Lopez

Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE! ~ Tanya Masse

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom. ~ George Lopez

MOMB - noun - One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM ... Because she's the BOMB! ~ Tanya Masse

My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics. ~ Kristin Gore

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB! ~ Tanya Masse

[Lynda's mother] You're stupid and you don't know it, that's you're problem. You talk, talk, talk, all the time. No one wants to listen to an idiot.

[Young Lynda] Uh. OK. Thanks, Mom. ~ Lynda Barry

Fighting! Fighting like white-trash dumb monkey ...
-Park's mom ~ Rainbow Rowell

I'm a pretty tenacious person; I get that from my mom. So sometimes, I use dark humor. I can't take myself too seriously. ~ Art Alexakis

There are some socks that shouldn't be washed by your mom. ~ Becky Albertalli

Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!"
"Goodnight mom! ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Being a Hot Mom means being respected as a mom and a woman. And, the key to being a Hot Mom is having a sense of humor about yourself and all the crazy situations that arise. ~ Jami Gertz

The young nihilists," Dad called us.
"What are nihilists?"
"Nihilists believe that nothing has any meaning. They believe in nothing."
"Yeah," said Earl. "I'm a nihilist.
"Me, too," I said.
"Good for you," Dad said, grinning. Then he stopped grinning and said, "Don't tell your mom. ~ Jesse Andrews

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!' ~ George Lopez

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.
This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy. ~ Rick Riordan

Rats have a sense of humor. Rats, in fact think the world is very funny. And they are right, dear reader. They are right. ~ Kate DiCamillo

[Leafpool] waved her tail in greeting as she padded past Cloudtail and Daisy; as she left the clearing she heard Cloudtail meowing, "This time try to pretend I'm a badger and I'm going to eat your kits."
"But my kits really like you," Daisy protested. ~ Erin Hunter

You pray to God to save you. I'll stick with Smith & Wesson. We'll see who is alive in the morning. ~ Raegan Butcher

Oh, you should have been born with my abilities, if only to have felt the rage that seeped from him."
I didn't want to think much about his abilities. "Who's to say he won't splatter you as well?"
"Perhaps he'll try- but I have a feeling he'll kill Amarantha first. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Why don't you and I have a nice penetrating man-to-man conversation? ~ Sanami Matoh

Decide what you want and go for it, Fred, it's just a matter of will power!" I remember you saying that to me more than once.'

I did not recall saying this nor did it sound like anything which anyone would say more than once, assuming he had ever had the misfortune to say it at all, but I was glad that Freddie had such rosy memories. ~ Iris Murdoch

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis ... ~ Conan O'Brien

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. ~ Richard Curtis

A wife's prayers for her husband have a far greater effect on him than anyone else's, even his mother's. (Sorry, Mom.) ~ Stormie O'martian

My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful. ~ Aubrey Plaza

If chance be the Father of all flesh,
Disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
And when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker. ~ Steve Turner

Standing exposed on a rooftop, with no railing and the wind whipping about him, threatening to pull him flailing and screaming to the ground? That held no interest for him. ~ Matt Forbeck

Thirty
the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice. ~ Will Durant

Good-humor only teaches charms to last,
Still makes new conquests and maintains the past. ~ Alexander Pope

Is there a tumor in your humor? ~ Robbie Williams

Kevin doesn't just wake up with that spiky bedhead look, Pudge. He works for it. He loves that hair. They leave their hair products here, Pudge, because they have duplicates at home. All these boys do. And do you know why?'
'Because they're compensating for their tiny penises?' i asked. ~ John Green

Wait, you are not even surprised that your own uncle, framed you, for an assassination?"
"No, I'm surprisingly not surprised.". ~ Rea Lidde

Oh, Neil!" Andrew wiggled his cigarette at Neil in greeting.
"Hello."
"Can we talk?" Neil asked.
"Today's not a good day," Andrew said. "Try again tomorrow."
"I wouldn't crash your birthday party if it wasn't important."
Andrew grinned. "Sarcasm from Neil? Your repertoire of talents is ever-expanding."
"Two minutes," Neil said.
"So persistent. ~ Nora Sakavic

Ignorance is not your strong suit. You should stick with stupidity ~ William A Kolbe

What's funny is my mom took me to the theater for the first time when I was six years old, and I was just amazed by it. I just said, 'Hey Mom, can I do this too?' And so she signed me up for little theater classes, and I remember my first audition for a play when I was seven years old was for 'The Thankful Elf.' ~ Dana Davis

In Ankh-Morpork even the shit have a street to itself," said Detritus, awe and wonder in his voice. "Truly, this a land of opportunity. ~ Terry Pratchett

I'll find you, don't worry. My body won't be with you all the time, but you'll always have my heart. I'm your worrier, remember?"
"I'll never forget. I promise. I'm your High Priestess and you've pledged yourself to me. That means you have my heart, too."
"Then both of us better stay safe. A heart's a hard thing to live without. I should know. I've tried it. ~ P.C. Cast

I think there are probably just as many adults who would miss the humor of my books, if not more, as there are children. ~ Daniel Handler

How about I pick out something for your mom, and you pick out something for mine? That way if our moms hate what we got, which they won't say if they do, we can push the blame off on each other. ~ Keary Taylor

I was given baby doll toys myself, and they proved a stark reminder that my life was expected to revolve around childbearing - just as my mom's had before me, and her mom's had before her. ~ Beth Ditto

All this talk about artificial intelligence is really just hype, it will take at least fifty years before we have to let them vote. ~ Kenneth E. Boulding

It's not that I don't trust you, Dunstable, it's simply that I don't trust you. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I live in a pretty liberal place, so it's a lot of hidden racism and things like that. If you really look up California, it's a really shitty place when it comes to things like that. ~ Vince Staples

I never write anything without humor, just because I like humor, but at the same time, it is a way for anything fantastical to become relatable. ~ Joss Whedon

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. ~ Chelsea Handler

Don't worry mom . I am still a virgin. ~ Benji Madden

In today's globalized world nothing is sure. Routines are falling; stereotypes are breaking. Life has never been as piquant as it is now. So go out of your way; leave your cocoon. Do that crazy thing and be happy you did it. ~ Ogwo David Emenike

Why don't you come with me?"
"Why? Where are you going?"
"Home. I've had enough. I hate England."
"Hate England?" It was too much to grasp, with a head full of searing headache. ~ Geraldine McCaughrean

Watching Mom try to act girlie would be entertainment in itself. Our last attempt at a girls' day started with a pedicure and ended with a monster-truck rally. That was five years ago. And so was her last pedicure. ~ Anna Banks

Then you've got Georgetown, and I really just like everything about them. When I went down there with my mom, it really opened my eyes to what they were all about. I have to factor in what a school like that can do for me, even away from being a basketball player. ~ Nerlens Noel

We love you Effie! ~ Suzanne Collins

Marriage requires the giving and keeping of confidences, the sharing of thoughts and feelings, respect and understanding always, marriage requires humility - the humility to repent, the humility to forgive. Marriage requires flexibility (to give and take) and firmness: not to compromise principles. And a wise and moderate sense of humor. Both need to be pulling together in the same direction. ~ Richard L. Evans

Remind me again-why do you hate me so much?"
I don't hate you."
Could've fooled me."
She folded her cap of invisibility. "Look ... we're just not supposed to get along, okay? Our parents are rivals."
Why?"
She sighed. "How many reasons do you want? One time my mom caught Poseidon with his girlfriend in Athena's temple, which is hugely disrespectful. Another time, Athena and Poseidon competed to be the patron god for the city of Athens. Your dad created some stupid saltwater spring for his gift. My mom created the olive tree. The people saw that her gift was better, so they named the city after her."
They must really like olives."
Oh, forget it."
Now, if she'd invented pizza-that I could understand. ~ Rick Riordan

Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?"
"Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see. ~ J.D. Robb

Rough Night, Kitten? ~ Cherise Sinclair

Your ability to survive anything that gets thrown at you sometimes leaves the rest of us swallowing ulcer medication for days afterward. I don't like the taste of Maalox. ~ Patricia Briggs

And we all vied, in saving face, to be the greatest student of human nature, the person with the quickest sense of humor. ~ Kurt Vonnegut