Humor Police Dark Humor Quotes

Police work can grind a man down, mentally, more than physically. I sensed that it is because of the hours of tedium and boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror. ~ James J. Kavanaugh

Such frankness, even over good tidings, was a further offense to Mr. Fremlin. He felt that it was casual and indecent. Like most countrymen, he had a great respect for traditional mysteries. A little skill decently wrapped up impressed him far more than twice the amount flung nakedly at his feet. Old Dr. Milsom had satisfied his sense of propriety. Never, never would he have told a patient whether or not she was going to live or die; the temperature was his secret, even the name of the complain transpired only in dark hints. Standing by the bedside he would shake his head and purse his lips and consult his gold turnip-watch, so that you felt you were getting the benefit of a rare and esoteric wisdom. ~ Dennis Parry

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) ~ Eve Kagan

When your legs and arms are being torn from your body, you console yourself that you've not yet been beheaded. Of course, right? When your nerves are being extracted strand by strand and your flesh is being dried drop by drop, you simply see past the blood and the bones and think: Hey, at least they haven't torn me apart at the cellular level yet.
Unnerving logic. ~ Angela Panayotopulos

I love dark humor that crosses the line and makes you say, 'That's so wrong!' And that's 'Family Guy' to me. ~ Elena Satine

I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv. ~ Jess C. Scott

Mikhail would be going into a dangerous situation, and a part of her knew he needed most of the night to complete his tasks, but there was no sign of impatience in him. He appeared relaxed and enjoying his time with her, wholly focused on her alone. She appreciated that in him so much--that ability to give her what she needed.
He lifted his head and looked at her. "You always come first with me, Raven."
"I don't know how I managed to get so lucky." She trailed her fingers through his hair. All that dark silk intrigued her. She had never really seen men who wore their hair long and yet still looked so masculine.
"That you can say that after all that has happened amazes me," Mikhail said. He dipped his head to taste the small indent of her belly button. His chin nuzzled her. "Someday my child will grow right here."
"You'd like that, would you? I might get as big as a house."
Mikhail kissed her tummy again and then kissed the path to her breasts. "You will have milk for our babies. That is such a miracle, Raven."
She heard the ache in his voice. The need. He didn't quite believe they would manage to have children, not when his people had been unable to do so for centuries, but he was willing to dream of it--with her.
"We'll find a way to have children, Mikhail. You managed to convert me without becoming deranged." There was gentle humor in her voice.
Mikhail's head went up, his dark eyes meeting hers.
Raven laughed softly. "Did you th ~ Christine Feehan

I need a drink. Now."

After tossing - fine, throwing - my purse and keys on the couch, I march straight into the kitchen. No more delays; it's time to forget tonight. It's been yet another night like all the other first dates that never meet a second one. When you begin to lose count, that's when it's really time for a drink.

Adrian stands there, leaning against the counter in an unbuttoned dress shirt and dark wash jeans. He glances at me as I walk in. "How was your date?" he asks, taking a swig of his scotch.

I brush past him on my mission, opening the cupboard and moving a couple bottles around. I reiterate, "I need alcohol."

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch him hiding a smile before he says, "That bad?"

My face twitches as I ignore his line of questioning. It is more like a statement he wants me to clarify, even though he already knows the answer. Instead, I ask, "I have vodka left, don't I?" I stand on my tiptoes in hopes of spotting something in the very back. Nothing.

He waltzes over and looks with me, his chin almost touching my shoulder. "I think you polished that one off after last week's date." His voice is low right next to my ear, very nearly causing a shiver. ~ Lilly Avalon

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice? ~ Gasmaskman

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd. ~ Jess C. Scott

Evelyn was followed in by a sour-faced woman with long, glamorous dark hair and a stern-looking gentleman in a tuxedo who looked just like Julian, but with less hair. They both looked as though they might buy the auditorium just to burn it to the ground. Even in this crowd they seemed assuredly a cut above the rest. ~ Kristopher Jansma

You think this is funny?" I snorted. "You would. Your sense of humor is so dark, even the lesser demons don't get you. ~ Pippa DaCosta

She was murdered by rebels.' He took in her unconcealed look of shock. 'So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.'
Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but the princess grabbed his arm to stop him. He sent a dark look at her over his shoulder.
'I would never celebrate death, no matter whose it is,' she said, her gaze filled with anger and something else. Something that looked vaguely like sympathy.
'Come now, I'm sure you wouldn't mourn any Damora.'
'I know very well what it's like to lose a parent in a tragic way.'
'Oh, yes, we have so much in common. Maybe we should get married. ~ Morgan Rhodes

My dad told me he knew where to find Zay. Which meant I had to cooperate with him.
...
"Do you see what we have accomplished together? The healing of souls with the magic you carry. We have healed souls in death. With light and dark magic."
"We? No, you stuck your hands in my chest and stole my magic and threw it at them. If you try that again, you won't have hands. Where's Zayvion?"
Okay, maybe I was a little rusty on the whole cooperation thing. ~ Devon Monk

How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there? ~ Pat Frank

Are you really going to turn down gifted help? That's your plan? Do without what could make all the difference?"
"My plan is to move swiftly, strike fast, and get out. You would slow me down."
She arched an admonishing eyebrow. "And if you break a leg in a badger hole while moving swiftly, who is going to help you? I'm going with you, Lord Rahl, and that is all there is to it."
Richard pressed his lips tight as he appraised the determination in her dark eyes.
"You are one stubborn little girl."
"Not a girl," she said with conviction. "Samantha, sorceress serving the Lord Rahl."

******

Richard sighed as he rose up from beside Kahlan. "I know. But there's no choice. It's something I have to do. This threat could kill people in numbers beyond your ability to imagine. I'm the Lord Rahl. I have to do what is necessary to protect all the people of the New World."
Ester dipped her head. "I can't argue with the word of the Lord Rahl..." Ester gestured at Samantha. "But why is she going?"
"Because she is stubborn," Richard said. ~ Terry Goodkind

He comes.
And he comes
loaded
with noise pollution.
If I ever prayed for anything,
it was for a man
to shut up. ~ Casey Renee Kiser

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There's Dracula for Christ's sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There's piss-poor B movies and porn. And don't get me started on the whole Halloween thing. Plastic fangs. Black capes. The only thing the idiots got right are that we drink blood and that we can't go out in daylight. The rest is bullshit, fabricated to alienate us and stimulate fear in the masses. Or just as offensive, the fiction used to create some kind of mystique for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit. ~ J.R. Ward

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself up out of the dark abyss of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash. ~ H.L. Mencken

But I think I want to become part of Scotland when I die. In a coffin, you just turn to dust, so I would prefer to be buried in a wicker casket, or in a sheet like the Africans do, so that I actually become part of the earth. I would like a tree to be planted on top of me.

And I told my wife Pamela a long time ago the epitaph that I want on my gravestone: Jesus Christ, is that the time already?
Failing that, I would like an epitaph in writing so tiny that visitors would have to inch right next to my gravestone to read it. It would say: You're standing on my balls. ~ Billy Connolly

I'm not afraid of the dark.
I am. Humor me. ~ Joss Stirling

A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature.
"If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn't they put him in the cartoon?" Kira wondered. ~ Magnus Wilton

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth ... Then he said, "Let there be light." Which means he made the entire universe in the dark! How fucking good is that? He's brilliant. ~ Ricky Gervais

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were. ~ James S.A. Corey

If you were three times poor, I would still have paid attention to you and fell head over heels in love with you. ~ Olga Goa

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window at back and got in. Then he went and made open the shutters in front and walk out and in through the door, before the very eyes of the police. Then he have an auction in that house, and advertise it, and put up big notice; and when the day come he sell off by a great auctioneer all the goods of that other man who own them. Then he go to a builder, and he sell him that house, making an agreement that he pull it down and take all away within a certain time. And your police and other authority help him all they can. And when that owner come back from his holiday in Switzerland he find only an empty hole where his house had been. This was all done en règle; and in our work we shall be en règle too. We shall not go so early that the policemen who have then little to think of, shall deem it strange; but we shall go after ten o'clock, when there are many about, and such things would be done were we indeed owners of the house. ~ Bram Stoker

Tumbling into a dark, Lewis Carroll labyrinth of filth, pursuing a white rabbit of smut! ~ Russell Brand

Why do those hard choices in life - you know, the ones you make because they're the right damn thing to do - always feel like you've just been kicked in the balls?
Dark Desires at Midnight - Arran ~ Jessica Lee

Mind you," said Ponder, "the universe does have a rhythm. Day and night, light and dark, life and death - " "Chicken soup and croutons," said Ridcully. "Well, not evert metaphor bears close examination". ~ Terry Pratchett

As the Dark Lord spoke when he saw the Archangel Michael descending upon him: We are in some serious shit. ~ C.T. Phipps

Well, I don't know, Lina. But let's just say I've met a lot of dead people. ~ Ruta Sepetys

Ordinarily, anyone who made such a remark to my face would go to the top of my short list for strychnine. ~ Alan Bradley

The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy's encampment: the prick at half-mast. The symbol of the apocalypse: the atomic warhead prick which self-destructs. That was the basic inequity which could never be righted: not that the male had a wonderful added attraction called a penis, but that the female had a wonderful all-weather cunt. Neither storm nor sleet nor dark of night could faze it. It was always there, always ready. Quite terrifying, when you think about it. No wonder men hated women. No wonder they invented the myth of female inadequacy. ~ Erica Jong

Sittin' in a café in dark glasses sippin' coffee dunkin' doughnuts while it's sunny thinking guns guns guns and I've got pockets full of bullets and a suitcase full of money and a fuckin' awful headache and a police rifle that fires dummies and I'm listening to Barney because she really wants to tell me all the fifty million reasons why she's feelin' fuckin' funny and she wants to kill her mummy and she wants me to kill her daddy but there really is no logic to the way we're spending Sunday because we don't know where we're going and we've been drinking since last Monday and Booga's sharpening sticks and he's looking like a monkey and I'm waiting for my tank and I know it will look chumly because Dobson is my man and he's part of my fuckin' family and when I see him next I'm gonna buy him half a shandy. ~ Alan C. Martin

She suddenly began to jump up and down, screaming at the top of her lungs. "The arks are after me! The arks are after me! Help me, the arks are after me!"
...
"The arks! You don't understand, I have the ring and the arks are after me!"
...
(and so the police officer is puzzled long enough for Miriam and Seth to escape) ~ Ted Dekker

Annabelle, what happened to you?" Lillian asked the next morning. "You look dreadful. Why aren't you wearing your riding habit? I thought you were going to try out the jumping course this morning. And why did you disappear
so suddenly last night? It's not like you to simply vanish without saying - "

"I didn't have a choice in the matter," Annabelle said testily, folding her fingers around the delicate bowl of a porcelain teacup. Looking pale and exhausted, her blue eyes ringed with dark shadows, she swallowed a mouthful of heavily sweetened tea before continuing. "It was that blasted perfume of yours - as soon as he caught one whiff of it, he went berserk."

Shocked, Lillian tried to take in the information, her stomach plummeting. "It… it had an effect on Westcliff, then?" she managed to ask.

"Good Lord, not Lord Westcliff." Annabelle rubbed her weary eyes. "He couldn't have cared less what I smelled like. It was my husband who went completely mad. After he caught the scent of that stuff, he dragged me up to our room and…well, suffice it to say, Mr. Hunt kept me awake all night. All night ," she repeated in sullen emphasis, and drank deeply of the tea.

"Doing what?" Daisy asked blankly.

Lillian, who was feeling a rush of relief that Lord Westcliff had not been attracted to Annabelle while she
was wearing the perfume, gave her younger sister a derisive glance. "What do you think they were doing? Playing a few han ~ Lisa Kleypas

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Everyone's always interested in a dark theme, especially when there's humor connected to it. It seems like that helps, if that's an integral and organic part of the whole story. ~ Robert De Niro

My neighbours porch light flickered on. My eyes darted down the street.
"Can we go inside before someone calls the police?" I asked.
"I am the police," Nathan reminded me. ~ Elicia Hyder

Quote taken from Chapter 1:
"The police should be in it, not us. We're out of here." Bill did an about-face to retrace their route to the door.
Piper whipped out a hand and snagged him by the shirttail. Her tone returned to crisp and decisive. "Slow down, Roadrunner. I'm not ready to leave. We've got work to do."
Incredulous, he stared gape-mouthed at her. "You better explain," he said.
She wiggled her nose. "I'm growing nosier by the second about the circumstances surrounding Anna's murder. ~ Ed Lynskey