Humor Poke Quotes

Keep poking things with your stick and it'll be okay. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Morfran thrust his axe straight up. He pretty much seemed to have one sign for everything: poke a hole in the sky. ~ Ilona Andrews

Time to sit down," Fred told Harry, "Or we're going to get run over by the bride. ~ J.K. Rowling

Fuckhead:
The name's MariKETA.
Go to hell,
The WITCH, doing a creepy spell somewhere right now. ~ Kresley Cole

Because we don't really sparkle. ~ John G. Hartness

We should all just face reality and stop taking our meals together. ~ Jonathan Tropper

I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love. ~ P.D. James

Darwin says people like you need to die. (Carrow) ~ Kresley Cole

Kenneth was a sitting duck. In fewer than three years he would kneel alone in this very room, on the exact spot where he now stood, emptying the contents of his desk into cardboard boxes from the liquor store while his gaunt bitter wife reviled him in the Goldbergs' living room and choked the Goldbergs' big brass ashtray with with unfiltered cigarette butts, and if anyone were then to ask him for the secret of a happy life, he would answer: Stasis. ~ Jincy Willett

I'll keep it in my bedside drawer, in case I'm woken in the middle of the night and mistake the cat for an intruder. An honest accident."
"You're not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Like many people who dress in black, the lump of coal was interested in becoming an artist. ~ Lemony Snicket

It is when we are knocked down that we learn the most about standing up. We stop trying to be perfect. ~ Amy Lisewski

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant ... The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives. ~ Derek Landy

I like sporks. They're like spoons, but you can poke people with them. ~ Ed Robertson

Max can't hear or speak, but he communicates okay. He wasn't programmed for fear - whoever rolled the genetic dice left that out too. If Mama asked Max to deliver a package to the Devil, Max would go straight to Hell. Unlike others of my acquaintance who had made that particular trip, I had complete confidence that Max would come back. Max the Silent is one tough boy. In fact, he's so infamous that one time over in night court when he was being arraigned for attempted murder, nobody even laughed when the judge told him that he had the right to remain silent. They all knew that Max never attempted to murder anyone. ~ Andrew Vachss

Did the guy who invent the shower cap also invent the fitted bed sheet? ~ Gregor Collins

I suppose you'll not let me rest until I admit that I like your company?"
"You're getting to know me well ... "
"Very well, I'll admit. You're slightly more than tolerable. ~ Jody Hedlund

I lied about Beau, hoping to save your relationship with him. I fully intended to walk away from both of you."
Sawyer laughed but the humor didn't reach his eyes. "You really think Beau was going to just let you go? Not in this lifetime."
"He loves you," I argued.
"I know. The thing is, he loves you more. ~ Abbi Glines

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof I
hope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not
understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound
is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence
is printed in a different character shall be judged to contain something
extraordinary either of wit or sublime. ~ Jonathan Swift

Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster. ~ David Ogilvy

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way. ~ John Zorn

This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses. ~ George W. Bush

Try never to find humor in peoples dismay and misfortune ... so that they won't find humor in yours ~ Timothy Pina

You see?" said Laurent. "He has forgiven me for the small matter of the whip. I have forgiven him for the small matter of killing my brother. All hail the alliance. ~ C.S. Pacat

Dad said High Lonesome, as the area was known, wasn't a place for the soft of head or the weak of heart, and he said that was why he and I made out just fine there, because we were both tough nuts. ~ Jeannette Walls

with me,it is 'better never than late ~ Ngugi Wa Thiongo

I gave him my Order smile: sweet grin, hard eyes, reached over to my passenger seat, and pulled out my submachine gun. About twenty-seven inches long, the HK was my favorite toy for close-quarters combat. The rider's eyes went wide.
"This is an HK UMP submachine gun. Renowned for its stopping power and reliability. Cyclic rate of fire: eight hundred rounds per minute. That means I can empty this thirty-round clip into you in less than three seconds. At this range, I'll cut you in half." It wasn't strictly true but it sounded good. "You see what it says on the barrel?"
On the barrel, pretty white letters spelled out PARTY STARTER. ~ Ilona Andrews

Son of a good goddamn holy motherfuck. ~ Laura Kaye

When I was a kid," Orr replied, "I used to walk around all day with crab apples in my cheeks. One in each cheek."

... A minute passed. "Why?" [Yossarian] found himself forced to ask finally.

Orr tittered triumphantly. "Because they're better than horse chestnuts... When I couldn't get crab apples," Orr continued, "I used horse chestnuts. Horse chestnuts are about the same size as crab apples and actually have a better shape, although the shape doesn't matter a bit."

"Why did you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks?" Yossarian asked again. "That's what I asked."

"Because they've got a better shape than horse chestnuts," Orr answered. "I just told you that."

"Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanically aptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?"

"I didn't," Orr said, "walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab applies in my cheeks. When I couldn't get crab apples I walked around with horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. ~ Joseph Heller

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were. ~ Edward R. Murrow

We did not, of course, speak Mandarin, but the question "What the hell do you think you're doing?" has a familiar ring in any language. The mere idea of even attempting to account for ourselves defeated us. We settled instead for explaining, by means of elaborate mime and sign language, that we were barking mad. This worked. He accepted it, but then hung around in the background to watch us anyway. ~ Douglas Adams

Suddenly, Blaze appears, alone. "She's in the middle of something really important. What do I tell her?"

Jen groans. "Tell her she gets to hack into the CIA's system. She won't be able to pass that up. ~ C.B. Cook

Britt's frequent romances always took off like rockets propelled by promise and power and star-crossed destiny. Then, a few months in, they all fizzled like a Tesla fifty miles from the nearest charging station. ~ Becky Wade

Nothing draws attention to thunder thighs more than shorts riding up your crotch. ~ K.A. Barson

Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back. ~ J.R. Ward

Some people love and some pretend. ~ Rahul Kumar Tilwani

Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day. ~ Antoine De Saint Exupery

This particular one was very, very heartwarming and is the relationship of an older man and a young boy that are essentially on the run. And so yeah, as I say, Barry Crump wrote a lot of books and this one got into the hands of Taika Watiti who then writing the screenplay decided to really vamp up if that's the word, or ramp up and modernize certain phrases - getting in the humor. So he added a lot of a real comedy perspective onto it which is what I think the story needed anyway, especially for it to turn into a film. And it worked. ~ Rhys Darby

I don't talk with everybody because i am not everybody, i am single. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true
humor. ~ Mark Twain

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. ~ George Bernard Shaw

What's the difference between depression and South America?
If you really had to, you could conquer South America. ~ Doug Westberg

Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. ~ J.K. Rowling

Randy held out the koosh. "What is it?" "I have no idea," Donna said. "Your asshole scrubber? ~ Chris Genoa

See, Drew, there are three kinds of males in this world: boys, guys, and men. Boys - like Billy - never grow up, never get serious. They only care about themselves, their music, their cars. Guys - like you - are all about numbers and variety. Like an assembly line, it's just one one-night stand after another. Then there are men - like Matthew. They're not perfect, but they appreciate women for more than their flexibility and mouth suction. ~ Emma Chase

My corps of attorneys will contact you in the morning wherever it is that you carry on your questionable activities. I shall warn them beforehand that they may expect to see and hear anything. They are all brilliant attorneys, pillars of the community, aristocratic Creole scholars whose knowledge of the more surreptitious forms of living is quite limited. They may even refuse to see you. A considerably lesser representative may be sent to call upon you, some junior partner whom they've taken in out of pity. ~ John Kennedy Toole